If Only …in my dreams

A little under five years ago, I had my first dream with Zach in it.  I remember a young man coming closer and closer and my heart rate going faster and faster in anticipation of seeing “who” the young man was.  As he came into my view, I was so overcome with excitement, joy, relief~I suppose I felt all the emotions that come from seeing someone you love whom you have not seen in a very long time.  When I reached up with the reality of being able to truly hug my son, I awoke.   Zach was in my dream.  He came to see me.  And with his handsome face and big beautiful bright smile, his eyes seemed to penetrate my soul letting me know he was all right and that he is near and watching over me.

Last January, early in the morning of my birthday, I had another dream.  I felt as if a child was at my bedside.  When I looked up, there was Zach (probably around the age of 3-4) staring at me.  He wanted to get into bed and snuggle, just as he did when he was a little boy.  I opened the covers and he climbed right in and snuggled right up.  Then, all of a sudden, he was deep into the covers down by my feet, curled up into a ball staring up at me.  I lifted the covers and asked him, “What are you doing?”  His darling little face, bright smile, and with those sparkling blue eyes that seemed to penetrate my soul again seemed to say, “I love you Mom.”  From that dream I sensed yet again, Zach is near and our angel is watching over us.

Just a few months ago, I had another dream of Zach.  In my dream, I was showing a woman around a place that is very special and sacred to me.  I was explaining to her the different areas and sharing “why” each place is significant and important to me.  I also shared that I began serving there shortly after Zach’s passing.  This woman asked me “how” Zach died.  I shared with her how he passed away.  To which she replied, “That is so sad.”  Our conversation continued by her asking me if I see Zach when I am serving there.  I replied with, “Every time!” (Of course, I do not see him every time, but this was in my dream).  She then asked me, “Do you see him now?”  I looked across the room we were in and there was Zach.  Again, his countenance was as bright as the sun.  He was lovingly staring at me as if to reassure me he is always near.

Each of my children has had a dream with Zach visiting them.  My husband has had many dreams with Zach visiting him.  I believe dreams are a way that loved ones can communicate with us.  I also believe that the Spirit can communicate through our loved ones those very things we need to know and things we need to do.  I love Elder Richard G. Scott’s talk he gave in regards to personal revelation.  And in this particular talk, Elder Scott addresses dreams and their significance to each of us personally.  I am attaching the talk if you are interested in reading it.

Elder Richard G. Scott "How to obtain revelation and inspiration"

One of Zach’s favorite Christmastime books was “The Polar Express.” We love the movie and I especially love the song “Believe” by Josh Groban.  The lyrics of this song resonate with me and speak to my soul.  Specifically:

“Believe in what your heart is saying

Hear the melody that's playing

There's no time to waste

There's so much to celebrate

“Believe in what you feel inside

And give your dreams the wings to fly

You have everything you need

If you just believe”

At this time of year, I believe that our Father in Heaven gave us the greatest gift, His Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I believe with all my heart that He provided a way through the gift of His infinite atonement for us to be with our families “forever” again.  “Believe in what you feel inside and give your dreams the wings to fly; you have everything you need… if you just believe.” 

As for now, I can see Zach… if only in my dreams.

Gone but not forgotten

Merry Christmas Zach!

And then, there are sweet angels who remember our Zach

Last hike in Zion

He is our "angel"

"BELIEVE"

What if just three words…. ?

I have been pondering this thought for a while and wanted to write a few of my feelings on the topic.  What are the three words you ask?  “I love you.”  Those three simple yet powerful words have had a profound impact on my life. 

I come from a long line of southern kissers, huggers, and those that tell each other they love you often.  My siblings, parents, grandparents, children, grandchildren, and even my cousins never fail to express love to one another.  When “love” is present, there is a beautiful spirit that seems to bring a light to each and every heart. 

But, what if, the last words you say to someone you love are “I love you?”  What if that is the last thing you were given by someone you love before they departed this Earth?  Is that love something that could forever change you?  Is that love something you were meant to have as a gift?  Is it a gift that would speak to the depths of your soul and lift you from the depths of grief?  Personally, I think love is the key that unlocks and opens many doors.  Doors of change, compassion, serving, helping, lifting, and the list goes on.

Back in March of 1996, I received a phone call from a close friend of my brother Tom.  He told me that Tom had been admitted to the hospital and the doctor told him that Tom would not be leaving.  Tom had gone in to finish out his life in that hospital. 

I flew out to be with my brother.  He was in excruciating pain with his liver failing and each subsequent system in his body beginning to shut down.  My brother was not a member of our church, but I know he thought a lot about it.  As I sat with him, he kept looking out his hospital window as if he was searching for something.  When I would ask him what he was looking for, he would simply say, “Nothing.”  A few hours had passed when he exclaimed, “there it is!  I knew it was out there somewhere!”  I asked him, “What is out there?”  The Dallas Temple.  He then had me sit him up in order to look at the Temple.  There we sat in his hospital room side by side, holding hands, and staring at the place where families can be sealed together, forever.  In that tender moment, my brother knew I loved him and I knew he loved me.

As Tom began to fade into a coma, I aroused him enough in order that I might say what would be my final good-bye.  He held my hand and told me how grateful he was that I loved him and supported him through thick and thin.  And then, he told me how much he loved me.  That was the last thing he spoke to me before he passed away.  Those three simple words were a gift that would carry me through the grief of losing my brother.

Fast forward to July 3, 2000.  I was sitting at our desk in the office that evening.  I had a recurring prompting to call home.  I questioned that prompting as I had spoken to my mother just that morning, and really wondered “why” I would receive that particular prompting.  Mom wasn’t going to be home, but Dad was.  I really didn’t want to call Dad, as he was incredibly good at lecturing and offering unsolicited advice.  Most of my siblings and mother will tell you that I am, in fact, a very independent person coupled with a dose of a “Type A” yet very “yellow” personality.

Yet, there I was with this prompting that was circling me and beckoning me to, “CALL HOME!”  Hence, I called home.  Dad answered.  Quite honestly, that was one of the best and most incredible conversations I had had with my Dad.  Yes, he did offer his unsolicited advice.  But for whatever reason, I was able to listen and actually accept what he had to say.  Towards the end of our conversation, he told me how proud of me he was.  He told me what a good mother I was.  And, my Dad told me how much he loved me.

Upon finishing my conversation with Dad after talking nearly 30 minutes, I began to think, maybe I simply needed to hear and know that my Dad loved me.  Honestly, the thought made me smile and grateful I had called home.

On July 4^th, the very next day at about 10am, I received a call from my sister informing me that Dad had a heart attack.  My sister explained that hospital personnel had placed my family into a private room awaiting the doctor’s report.  The physician finally came in and told them that they had done everything they could and that my father had passed away.  My father was a career officer.   Thus our soldier, our father, went to his heavenly home on July 4^th. 

What if I hadn’t called home?  What if I didn’t hear my father tell me how proud he was of me?  What if I didn’t hear him tell me he loved me?  What if I didn’t listen to that prompting?  Those are a lot of “what if’s.”  But the fact of the matter is, I did listen.  I did call home.  And, my last memory and conversation was to hear that my father loved me.  Those three simple words continue to bless my life, as I often ponder that moment in time ~ “I love you.”

Now, let’s fast forward, again, to December 10, 2011.  It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I was busily getting the laundry caught up.  I had a pile of Zach’s laundry to put away and went into his room to do just that.  Zach was in his room on his computer.  As I went to put his clothes away, he turned to me and said, “Mom, I love you.”  I looked at him giving him a raised eyebrow questioning “why” he would so randomly tell me that, but I told him I loved him too.  I went into his closet and put his clothes away.  And as I came out, he got up from his chair, came to me, put his arm around me, hugging me, and said, “Mom, I really do love you.” 

I well remember that his sweet declaration of not just once, but twice, filling me up to where “my cup runneth over.”  The very next day, December 11^th, Zach left this mortal existence.  As I have pondered Zach’s affirmation over and over and over again, how sweet and profound those three little words have become in my life.  I have those beautiful and simple words deeply rooted and fixed to the depths of my soul.  How grateful I am that my Zach left me with this gift, his gift of love.  He knew I would need that gift to traverse through the depths of grief.

The gift of love is an emotion that one cannot begin to describe, and yet we recognize it, feel it deeply, and it literally can fill us with a joy beyond compare.  I am grateful for a family to love, and to have their love in return.  What if just three words could bless your life?  I love you.  Don’t let the opportunity pass you by…

“Love your family. Spend time, be kind and serve one another. Make no room for regrets. Tomorrow is not promised and today is short.”  Unknown

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”  Mother Theresa

Sometimes the light in Zach's room is so bright, I feel like he is there filling it up with light.

This is where I work on my genealogy and I know I have an angel helping me <3

Moments That Matter Most <3

Have you ever wondered if God really knows who you are?

I have.

Since Zach’s passing I have had moments where I have truly wondered if God really knows who I am.  And during those moments I find myself asking, “Heavenly Father, do You really know who I am?”

For those particular moments of sincere questioning, an answer has always come.  My answers have come in many ways and most of them are unexpected, yet tailored just for me.  And through those unforeseen answers, I feel His loving words, “oh my dear daughter, I know who you are and I love you.”  And almost every time, I also feel Him tell me “you already know this.”

I can feel His love through my beautiful family.  When I look into their eyes and feel of their unconditional love for me, I somehow know that my Father in Heaven loves me.  There is something “heavenly” about a family’s love.  Whether through phone calls, face time, texts, or actual visits, hugs, and even kisses, I believe those are the precious moments that not only keep us close as a family, but also keep us close to God.  The love I have for my family offers me a glimpse of the love that my Father in Heaven has for even me.

I can feel His love through incredible friends.  Let me just say that on one or more occasion (mostly more), my dear friends have blessed my life.  My friends just seem to know when I need a Diet Coke, yummy chocolate cake, a new emoji app, a text, or a phone call.  In a world where everyone is so incredibly busy, that simple act of what I label as “service” let’s me know I am loved.  It reminds me of the scripture from Mosiah 2:17:  “And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.”

Through gratitude, I can truly feel of my Father in Heaven’s love for me.  Why gratitude you ask?  Let me just begin by saying that my sweet mother taught me gratitude at a VERY young age.  For every gift or help I may have received, I had to write “Thank You” notes.  That tutoring has continued on to my children.  After Zach’s funeral, I wrote nearly 130 thank you notes.  People didn’t expect it, but with all the charitable acts that were sweetly given to us, how could I not?!  Writing those thank you notes was therapeutic.  At a time when I was emotionally devastated, those thank you notes helped me to feel of God’s love for me.  Through those thank you notes came the realization of ALL that was done for my family and me.  I thought of the scripture in Ephesians 1:16 “Cease not to give thanks…”  Gratitude in everything we have, do, or receive is essential in keeping us grounded in knowing and appreciating God’s love for us.

Yesterday morning I opened our patio doors to enjoy the cool air just after it had finished raining.  I observed some of the low lying clouds hanging over the bluffs, the grass seemed a little greener, a few rays of the sun were trying to peek out between the clouds, the fresh smell that comes from rain, and then the words to a Primary song came to mind.

“I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain

And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.

I want to be the best I can and live with God again.”

I want to be the BEST I can to live with God again.  I have a deep love for my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ.  For with that particular love, I begin to understand, feel, and know of how They reciprocate Their love for me.  Unconditional love.  A parent’s love for their children is steadfast and unconditional.  And so it is with our Father in Heaven~He is steadfast in His love for each of us.

I Am His Daughter

1 next to 8 looks a lot like 18

When you put 1 next to 8, it looks a lot like 18.  Yes Zach, you would be 18.  As I have been uploading the pictures of your life, I have had so many memories flood my mind.  Memories of the day you were born.  Those memories of your little boy antics brought me smiles, tears, and sometimes frustrations.   But most of all, I feel as if I am staring at a piece of my heart.  The piece that seems to hold my deepest motherly love for you, and wrap me in those precious moments in time that leaves me with a longing to see you and simply hug you.

That angelic face

Always trying to be funny

Chillaxing in the recliner

When I look through the pictures of your short but sweet life, I marvel at how each one holds a story.  Each one holds a treasured memory.  And with all those memories of days gone by, I find myself pondering the many different things you would be doing if you were here.  Dating.  Graduating from high school.  Preparing for a mission.  Attending college (most certainly the University of Utah as you promised Dad you would go there!).  Marriage.  The list could go on and on, just as I have seen each of your siblings succeed in their progression of this life.

He actually gave the surprise away - ha!

He was so excited for my 50th surprise birthday party

 Many of your friends sent me graduation announcements.  I decided to be brave and attend graduation.  For whatever reason, I sat in this one particular section, in the row “P.”  I saved three seats, one for Dad, me, and you.  I happened to be sitting in the section by the stairs where the graduates would walk past me.  I saw so many of your friends.  I called their names and waved like a crazy lady.  Many of them yelled, “I love you Wendy Pulsipher!”  Oh how they made me smile.  I am happy for their success and feel so blessed that they would include me in their special day.  At moments when I felt as if a tear might slip, I felt you sitting next to me.  I felt you smiling and happy to see your friend’s successes.  I also felt as if you put your hand on top of mine, letting me know “all is well.”

Receiving his Arrow of Light~my friend Tanya got the headdress

Dropping Rachel off at college

18.  You would be 18.  With all the pondering of  “who you’d be today,” I find myself comforted in knowing how happy you are.  I truly find myself having the desire and need to make you proud of me.  Am I steadfast in my faith?  Am I serving with all my heart, might, mind, and strength?  Am I trying to help others who have faced the same type of trial in losing someone they love?  Am I being the kind of mother that makes you say, “Yo, that’s MY Mom!”?  I am NOT perfect, but as you, my angel son, watch over me, I pray that I am “making you proud!”  

Hiking Observation Point just a few months before his passing

Such a cute young man

He just had to wear these glasses that weren't his

Thank you for so richly blessing my life.  Thank you for visiting me in my dreams.  Thank you for being near and for those rare treasured moments when I feel you squeeze my hand or give me a hug.  Those really are the simple things in life that bring my heart comfort and most certainly peace.

My people @ Chelsea's graduation

I am working on your birthday flowers for the headstone.  I found “royal blue” floral pieces this year, your favorite color.  Dad and I will be sending you your special balloon bouquet with our messages of love attached.  Happy Birthday Zach. 

With My Forever Love,
 Mom

                                                       Who You'd Be Today

                                                                         Enough

Graduation… I want to go, but can only imagine…

This is the year!  Zach would be graduating from high school, and OH.HOW.I.WANT.TO.BE.THERE!!!!  I imagine waking up early and making his favorite breakfast.  I imagine pressing his shirt and pants.  I imagine him wearing his favorite tie (the one from Aaron and Katie’s wedding~the one we buried him with…).  I imagine him giving me a hug before he leaves and giving me his big beautiful smile.  I imagine him hopping into his car, and then watch him drive off down the street.  I imagine getting ready and making sure that I have my camera to capture every moment.  I imagine getting to the auditorium early so that I can have the BEST seat in the house!  I imagine standing as the 2016 class, with whom Zach would be graduating, files in.  I imagine carefully watching to see where he is in the processional line.  I imagine finding him, tears coming, and being completely filled with this incredible joy. 

And then, I imagine them reading his name “Zachary Pulsipher.”  I imagine I am snapping pictures like crazy, and crying, and trying to focus and savor this beautiful moment in time.  Zach was my baby.  This would have been the natural order of things. 

However, Zach graduated four years ago.  His graduation was FAR different than the one I ever imagined.  And yet, I have somehow found some peace and LOTS of comfort. 

And now, I imagine Zach in the arms of our Savior.  I imagine Zach teaching people the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I imagine that big beautiful smile and his fun engaging personality drawing people to hear what he has been commissioned to teach.  I imagine him with my Dad, my brother Tom, and Mark’s mother.  I imagine the angelic work he is going about and doing.  I imagine him close by and hugging me, especially when an unexpected tear slips out and rolls gently down my face. 

I am glad my imagination can look at both sides of the veil.  I am ever grateful that my understanding of the Plan of Salvation helps me to imagine what life is like for Zach now and what work he is, in fact, going about and doing.  I more than imagine, but know, Zach is happy where he is. 

A quote that I quite like:
"The imagination is a pallete of bright colors.  You can use it to touch up memories ~ or you can use it to paint dreams."  ~Robert Brault

So, on May 24th, 2016, I secretly imagine sitting in the audience.  I secretly imagine standing as all those wonderful students, Zach went to school with, come filing in.  I secretly imagine them reading Zach's name and remembering a friend who is no longer with them.  I secretly smile and secretly shed a tear (or two). 

I can only imagine….

Graduation from Pre-school...  oh, how this makes me smile!

I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe <3