When Hope Is Alive and Well

Every year when Zach’s birthday comes around, I typically ponder for days about what to share. For weeks, I have been pondering “hope” and how that has helped to ground me and stay focused on what is most important in my life.

Why “hope,” you ask?

For me, “hope” has simply been a part of everything important in my life. For instance, when I serve in the temple, I am always hoping for some sort of positive spiritual experience. An experience that lifts, teaches, and blesses me. The experiences do not have to be grandiose. The experience could simply be offering a hug to someone who appears to need one. And then, having them offer gratitude for recognizing/acknowledging their suffering. The experience could be listening to someone who needs to share whatever they are struggling with. Or the experience could be standing in the hall or in the Celestial Room and feeling my heart swell with joy because the Spirit whispers to me that Zach is all right, happy, and busy. Those fulfilled hopes build my faith.

I had always “hoped” my living adult children would be incredible humans and parents. They are. To see them using their education, skill sets, and kindness to help bless others is such a marvel to witness. To have a bird’s eye view of how each child parents brings me such joy. Each has their own parenting style. And each child has sweet relationships with their children. To see this hope realized, in real time, makes my heart swell to near bursting.

When Zach was born, I had so many “hopes” and dreams for him. When he was young, he struggled learning the very basics in school. Because I was optimistic with hopes for his ability to “learn,” I knew he needed added help. I hired a tutor to help him. Zach had ADHD and as he got older, the struggle with education became even more prevalent. My “hopes” never died. I continued to see he get the aid he needed to achieve the grades I knew he could get. He did, in fact, improve to the point of getting A’s.

We tried “team sports” with Zach. I never had any “hopes” for him to be great, only hoped he would learn how to be a team player. I could see that team sports was not a good fit, so I signed him up for golf and Karate. He LOVED golf! His golf instructor was so good with him and very patient! Was Zach a great golfer? No, he was an ok golfer. But he loved it. He loved golfing with his dad, his brother, and his brother-in-law. It boosted his confidence. Seeing his love for the game and seeing his joy helped to fulfill some of my hopes for him. Karate-oh how he loved Karate. He would scream the loudest “Hay-ya.” His Karate instructor was so good with Zach. He helped to teach self-discipline and respect all while having fun. You could not go and watch Zach doing Karate without smiling. To feel my “hopes” grow for his successes and watch as he enjoyed this sport was yet another blessing.

Then came the drums. Zach begged and begged for a drum set. I caved and got him one for Christmas. He would bang on those things ALL.DAY.LONG! My “hopes” were that he would play them in a “rhythmic” manner. He signed up for band at school to play percussion. I also signed him up for private drum lessons. Zach’s band teacher was wonderful in tutoring him.  His tutor was also great. Zach loved playing those drums and percussion instruments at school. He was quite good, because he loved to play them. My hopes of him making beautiful rhythmic sounds came to fruition.

Obviously, my hopes were shattered when Zach took his life. My very soul gutted when we found his lifeless body hanging. The utter anguish of watching his body taken away in a body bag can truly never be fully described. A moment in time I will never forget. The loss. The pain. The tragedy. In the blink of an eye, he was gone.

And yet, like stars appearing in the sky one by one, the seeds of hope began to reappear and blossom in my heart. I hoped to be the anchor in our family as they navigated their grief. I desperately hoped to feel the Savior’s Atonement succor me, lift me, and carry me through this time. I hoped when I reached for His hand, He would be there to grab hold of mine and keep me from falling into the mires of despair. He did. He was there through it all. The Savior still walks beside me every day. My hope, my faith, my focus is on Him, our Savior. He is the very center of everything I am and everything I hope to become.

I hope Zach knows how much I dearly love him. I hope as he is watching us, that he is proud of us, and that he sees we can survive any and every storm by turning our hopes and hearts to Him, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Hope is, indeed, alive, and well in my heart.

2 Nephi 31:20
20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

Happiest Birthday my little drummer boy!!!

                                                                         Zach in the parade

Zach Skim Boarding

When You Believe

Do You Believe?

As I was walking this morning and pondering a talk I just listened to, the question that came to my mind was “Do you believe?”  I began to think about Santa and how wholeheartedly I believed in him as a child. I then recalled teaching my children “if you always believe in Santa, you will always get the best Christmas gifts.”  Of course, now, there is the “Elf on the Shelf” who helps Santa every year in bringing joy by doing all the outrageous things to make all the children, who believe, smile. Christmas truly is one of the most magical times of year.  

Fifty years ago on Christmas Day in 1975, I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  This was a magical day for me and my family as we each entered the waters of baptism.  The entire Korea Seoul Mission was there to witness our family being baptized.  This was the day that began my journey as a member of Jesus Christ’s church. 

Little did I know, back then, that I would need the gospel in my life to endure the many trials that would line my life’s road.  Of course, the most difficult of trials was exactly two weeks before Christmas when our beautiful boy Zach ended his life. Is there life after death?  Will I see my loved ones again? Zach? Can families really be together forever?  Is Zach our angel now?  Can the Savior truly heal my wounds and carry me through the storms of life?  Is the temple a place where we can find peace, solace, healing, and even joy?

If you know me at all, you will know how I would answer these questions.  In the twinkling of an eye, Zach was gone.  The loss and pain that fractured my soul, in that moment, cannot be adequately described.  But, here is my “how” and “why” I can press on.  There IS life after death.  I believe that with the entirety of my soul.  This offers “hope.”  I know with my most motherly heart of hearts that I WILL see Zach again.  This brings “peace.”  Families CAN be together forever.  This is “the plan.”  I have felt the Savior’s love and comfort as I traversed this particularly challenging time in my life.  For truly, I understand how “His yoke is easy” to lighten my burdens.  When I am in the temple, I feel like I have come “home.”  The temple helps me understand “the plan,” to find “peace,” and to make my “hope” burn brighter than the noonday sun.

Who knew, back on December 25, 1975, that a young, immature, and inexperienced young girl would “need” to know, understand, and believe what those missionaries valiantly taught?  This girl, now “older woman,” that’s who.  For, I do believe. 

The magic of Christmas is not just in believing in Santa, the gifts, or that Elf of the Shelf.  The magic of Christmas lies within each of our hearts, the light of Christ.  May your light burn bright for the world to see with the “Light of Christ” this Christmas season.  May you find your comfort and peace through following Him, each and everyday.

**We miss you Zach and think of you every day.**  Zach is our angel.  Of course, I believe he is!

An “Angelversary” message 💙

Where there’s life, there’s death, where there’s sorrow, there’s grief, and where there’s love, there’s gratitude

 Obviously if I am writing a little blog piece, it must either be Zach’s birthday or his angelversary.  It is Zach’s birthday. He would be 27. We live in a time stamped world while Zach’s existence is neither marked by time nor naps nor bruises nor hurt nor pain.  I believe the world Zach exists in now is filled with joy, with love, with peace. I believe Zach is with our Savior and that is certainly the best place, the safest place he can exist.

When Zach came into this world, he became part of our world, as each of our children and grandchildren are a part of our world. The joy that comes from bringing these beautiful souls into this world cannot be adequately described. But suffice it to say, “there was joy in all the land!”  We had hopes and we had dreams for Zach. Hopes and dreams that are never to be realized, in this life anyway.

Zach’s short life brought us joy. His smile. His laugh. His hugs. His zest for life. His desire for friends. His desire to do well in school. His desire to share the gospel, especially when he collected fast offerings. His heart was pure. His soul, beautiful. All these memories, these moments, these incredible treasures of his life, I hold near and dear to my heart. They bless me. They carry me. And they teach me. What have I learned?

Where there is life, there is also death. The death of a child is oh so crushing and is intensely painful. And yet, somehow, we can surface from those crushing waves of sorrow and grief. While we begin to take those deep calming breaths, we realize, “we are going to survive this tragedy.” Like any wound, time has a way of mending our hearts while leaving scars that offer perspective, offer vision, and give us a brighter outlook for tomorrow.

Love. Oh how grateful I am to know love. To know it has no boundaries. To know the depths of love. To understand that love is a big part, perhaps the biggest part, of each of our souls. Love enables us to feel and embrace an infinite number of emotions. Compassion, concern, empathy, sympathy, joy, happiness, sorrow, grief, to name a few.

How grateful I am for all of it! I recently watched an excerpt from a podcast with Anderson Cooper and Steven Colbert on “Loss.”  Steven Colbert said this: “With existence comes suffering. There’s no escaping that. If you are grateful for your life, then you have to be grateful for all of it. You can’t pick and choose what you are grateful for.”  He went on to say, “what do you get from loss? You get awareness of other people’s loss-which allows you to connect with that other person-which allows you to love more deeply. And, to understand what it is like to be a human being.”

Is it possible to be grateful for “all of it?”  I believe so. I believe so because I am grateful for Zach. I am grateful for his short life. I am grateful to love that young man with all my heart. And while I wished he was still here, I am grateful for the many things I have been blessed with and the many lessons I have learned from his passing. I am, indeed, grateful for all of it.

Happy Birthday Zach! You are missed each and everyday. But today, we celebrate the day you came into this world and forever stole our hearts.

Love you forever,

Mom 

https://www.threads.com/@andersoncooper360/post/DMO5wztPki4?xmt=AQF07daVyeRkoYz9IAMdI-RvxISL9fjXxzzr4Aqbf5XTIw

“You’ve got all my love!”

Holding On Through the Mists of Grief and Pain

 It truly is hard to imagine that Zach has been gone as many years as he lived, 13.  Each year at this time, I have written things my heart desires to share with each of you… each of you, that is, who know me and read the writings from my heart. I suppose I share 1) to remember and 2) to lift and offer hope…. Quite possibly, to someone out in the universe who may need to read the thoughts of an old lady’s heart.

Quite honestly, “remembering” Zach’s death anniversary usually carries a “mix” of emotions. I have a routine I typically carry out this time of year. I buy floral from Michaels. Every time I do, my eyes begin to water as I carefully choose those precious pieces to form the bouquets to place at his headstone. The floral arrangements are nothing spectacular but made with “all my love.”  Mark & I head to the Cemetary at Thanksgiving and lovingly place the flowers in the urns. There are friends who remember him, visit him, and send me their pictures standing by his headstone. An angel always leaves drumsticks for him, signed with love.

In our religion, we have been taught how to hang on when traversing through the mists of grief and pain-aka “mists of darkness.”  The iron rod. We consider “the iron rod,” to be the “word of God.”  “How” exactly does this help, you may wonder. This takes effort.

My “iron rod” has become very personal. I begin each day working out, walking my sweet dog Gus while listening to General Conference talks. I read and study the scriptures, attend the Temple, and of course pray. I know my Savior is reaching for me, and through doing those very things, I am reaching back for him. He is the One who has carried me and steadied me as I traversed through those mists of grief and pain. I believe, the one requirement is for me to simply hold on to that precious iron rod. Faith. Hope. We can do everything, even the most difficult of things, in and through Him, our Savior.

As I have come through those particularly challenging times, I am always in awe of the peace and comfort I personally feel. I understand how “His yoke is easy, and He has made my burdens light.”  Though Zach left this world by taking his life, Zach has been embraced by our Savior. He is whole. He is happy. He is busy. Zach is loved and missed every day, but I know he is more than okay. Zach is our angel; he is my angel and is watching over me and his family. “A Savior born, that we might live, He is The Gift.” He IS the Gift. I believe.

All My Love by Coldplay

I love this with Dick Van Dyke

It’s about family and friends, those we have come to love so much

He Is the Gift

Gone, But Not Forgotten

The one thing that is a constant for both Mark and I is that Zach may be gone from this life, but he is never far from our everyday thoughts of him, thus he will never be forgotten.  Never.

Today would be Zach’s 26th birthday.  26. 

Today he has been gone from this earthly existence nearly thirteen years.  He died when he was thirteen.

 

The day Zach was born was one of joy, as it was when each of my children were born.  His cute little cherub face, the baby hands, the baby snuggles, the dark hair, the blue blue eyes, the baby giggles, the baby smiles are all and more that make my Momma heart happy.  Memories.

When I was a “Diet Cokeaholic,” I poured myself a glass each and every morning.  Right after, I would take a big sip.  One morning when Zach was in his high chair, probably 18 months old, he was grinning the biggest smile while I did my morning routine while getting his breakfast ready.  Right after I took a big sip of that delicious Diet Coke, I hear the biggest “Ahhhhh” of a sigh.  I looked over at him, only to see the biggest smile as he was “ahhhh sighing” with me to help me enjoy that first morning sip.  Memories.  Beautiful memories.

 

Zach was busy.  He loved fishing.  He loved riding his bike.  He loved to play basketball.  He loved having friends.  He loved Karate and always made Coach Reis laugh with his LOUD Karate screams.  He loved golf and having lessons with Coach Averitt.  He loved playing golf with his brother, brother in law, and Dad.  He loved Go-Cart racing, especially at the Golphin’ Dolphin in Emerald Isle.  He loved boogie boarding and skim boarding.  He was pretty impressive on a skim board.  Zach embraced life and loved it.  Memories.

 

Pictures.  Videos.  Videos with your voice and laugh. Trophies.  Scout paraphernalia.  Your scriptures.  A book you wrote in elementary school.  More pictures.  The love you gave, and we embraced.  Memories.

Zach lived.  Zach loved.  Zach was a gift from our Father in Heaven.  A beautiful wonderful precious gift. 

 

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." -Richard Puz

 

You may be gone here, but you will never be forgotten.  For, my memories of you and your short life are embedded and written in the depths of my soul.  They are mine.  My memories of you.

 

Happy Birthday Zach!  I love you with all my heart.

To whomever brought these beautiful drumsticks, THANK YOU!!  Thank you for remembering our Zach!

Who You’d Be Today

When you are 65, you have wisdom of the ages… or do you really??

 First and foremost, thank you for ALL the birthday wishes via cards, text, emails, phone calls, and of course FB.  When you are in your twenties, you never think it could ever happen to you… you become a “Senior Citizen.”  Well, I am officially a 65yo Senior Citizen.  So… show some respect for the age!!!!  

                                          Morning bed head. 

The good news is that I have been waking up this side of dirt!  

   I walk Gus, my adorable fur baby.  

 

                                      I workout.

 

I take my prescription drugs, day and night.  It seems like every time I go to a doctor they want to add something new to my regimen. 😂. 

I have cataract surgery coming up in a few weeks.  The good news is that I will not have to wear glasses with the exception of at night for driving only.

 

 I had my eyebrows micro bladed as they no longer are showing up on my face.

 I have lots of wrinkles.  Those are my “life well lived” lines.  I am keeping them, FOREVER!

I love sitting in my mushroom chair to play on my iPad, or read, or face time with my kids and grandkids.

I still have my eternal companion, Mark.  I love taking vacations with him.  I love making him laugh, a LOT.  I love finding new series to watch with him and finish it out as soon as possible.  I can’t handle all the cliff hangers.  I even sometimes go to the “spoilers” to know what is going to happen!  I love our time together, it is always a fun place to be.

I am going to start serving at the Red Cliffs Temple for one shift a week.  I look forward to serving there.

My life, thus far, has been filled with incredible joy as well as heartbreak.  I have learned to enjoy the fresh air and the beautiful moments that lie within the mountain tops of life, my children, my grandchildren, my family.  And yet, I have learned to cope with the disappointments in life and the tragic loss of loved ones as I have journeyed through the valleys of death.  I have mourned those who have departed this life, those whom I dearly love.  And, I have especially mourned the loss of my Zach.

 

When we reach this “Senior Citizen” age, we simply do not know how much time we have left on this Earth.  I will try my best to be kind, gracious, loving, and continue to enjoy this life.  Goals.  I always need to have goals and work on them.  After all, I am a “work in progress,” even at 65.

This is 65