Holding On Through the Mists of Grief and Pain

 It truly is hard to imagine that Zach has been gone as many years as he lived, 13.  Each year at this time, I have written things my heart desires to share with each of you… each of you, that is, who know me and read the writings from my heart. I suppose I share 1) to remember and 2) to lift and offer hope…. Quite possibly, to someone out in the universe who may need to read the thoughts of an old lady’s heart.

Quite honestly, “remembering” Zach’s death anniversary usually carries a “mix” of emotions. I have a routine I typically carry out this time of year. I buy floral from Michaels. Every time I do, my eyes begin to water as I carefully choose those precious pieces to form the bouquets to place at his headstone. The floral arrangements are nothing spectacular but made with “all my love.”  Mark & I head to the Cemetary at Thanksgiving and lovingly place the flowers in the urns. There are friends who remember him, visit him, and send me their pictures standing by his headstone. An angel always leaves drumsticks for him, signed with love.

In our religion, we have been taught how to hang on when traversing through the mists of grief and pain-aka “mists of darkness.”  The iron rod. We consider “the iron rod,” to be the “word of God.”  “How” exactly does this help, you may wonder. This takes effort.

My “iron rod” has become very personal. I begin each day working out, walking my sweet dog Gus while listening to General Conference talks. I read and study the scriptures, attend the Temple, and of course pray. I know my Savior is reaching for me, and through doing those very things, I am reaching back for him. He is the One who has carried me and steadied me as I traversed through those mists of grief and pain. I believe, the one requirement is for me to simply hold on to that precious iron rod. Faith. Hope. We can do everything, even the most difficult of things, in and through Him, our Savior.

As I have come through those particularly challenging times, I am always in awe of the peace and comfort I personally feel. I understand how “His yoke is easy, and He has made my burdens light.”  Though Zach left this world by taking his life, Zach has been embraced by our Savior. He is whole. He is happy. He is busy. Zach is loved and missed every day, but I know he is more than okay. Zach is our angel; he is my angel and is watching over me and his family. “A Savior born, that we might live, He is The Gift.” He IS the Gift. I believe.

All My Love by Coldplay

I love this with Dick Van Dyke

It’s about family and friends, those we have come to love so much

He Is the Gift

Gone, But Not Forgotten

The one thing that is a constant for both Mark and I is that Zach may be gone from this life, but he is never far from our everyday thoughts of him, thus he will never be forgotten.  Never.

Today would be Zach’s 26th birthday.  26. 

Today he has been gone from this earthly existence nearly thirteen years.  He died when he was thirteen.

 

The day Zach was born was one of joy, as it was when each of my children were born.  His cute little cherub face, the baby hands, the baby snuggles, the dark hair, the blue blue eyes, the baby giggles, the baby smiles are all and more that make my Momma heart happy.  Memories.

When I was a “Diet Cokeaholic,” I poured myself a glass each and every morning.  Right after, I would take a big sip.  One morning when Zach was in his high chair, probably 18 months old, he was grinning the biggest smile while I did my morning routine while getting his breakfast ready.  Right after I took a big sip of that delicious Diet Coke, I hear the biggest “Ahhhhh” of a sigh.  I looked over at him, only to see the biggest smile as he was “ahhhh sighing” with me to help me enjoy that first morning sip.  Memories.  Beautiful memories.

 

Zach was busy.  He loved fishing.  He loved riding his bike.  He loved to play basketball.  He loved having friends.  He loved Karate and always made Coach Reis laugh with his LOUD Karate screams.  He loved golf and having lessons with Coach Averitt.  He loved playing golf with his brother, brother in law, and Dad.  He loved Go-Cart racing, especially at the Golphin’ Dolphin in Emerald Isle.  He loved boogie boarding and skim boarding.  He was pretty impressive on a skim board.  Zach embraced life and loved it.  Memories.

 

Pictures.  Videos.  Videos with your voice and laugh. Trophies.  Scout paraphernalia.  Your scriptures.  A book you wrote in elementary school.  More pictures.  The love you gave, and we embraced.  Memories.

Zach lived.  Zach loved.  Zach was a gift from our Father in Heaven.  A beautiful wonderful precious gift. 

 

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." -Richard Puz

 

You may be gone here, but you will never be forgotten.  For, my memories of you and your short life are embedded and written in the depths of my soul.  They are mine.  My memories of you.

 

Happy Birthday Zach!  I love you with all my heart.

To whomever brought these beautiful drumsticks, THANK YOU!!  Thank you for remembering our Zach!

Who You’d Be Today

When you are 65, you have wisdom of the ages… or do you really??

 First and foremost, thank you for ALL the birthday wishes via cards, text, emails, phone calls, and of course FB.  When you are in your twenties, you never think it could ever happen to you… you become a “Senior Citizen.”  Well, I am officially a 65yo Senior Citizen.  So… show some respect for the age!!!!  

                                          Morning bed head. 

The good news is that I have been waking up this side of dirt!  

   I walk Gus, my adorable fur baby.  

 

                                      I workout.

 

I take my prescription drugs, day and night.  It seems like every time I go to a doctor they want to add something new to my regimen. 😂. 

I have cataract surgery coming up in a few weeks.  The good news is that I will not have to wear glasses with the exception of at night for driving only.

 

 I had my eyebrows micro bladed as they no longer are showing up on my face.

 I have lots of wrinkles.  Those are my “life well lived” lines.  I am keeping them, FOREVER!

I love sitting in my mushroom chair to play on my iPad, or read, or face time with my kids and grandkids.

I still have my eternal companion, Mark.  I love taking vacations with him.  I love making him laugh, a LOT.  I love finding new series to watch with him and finish it out as soon as possible.  I can’t handle all the cliff hangers.  I even sometimes go to the “spoilers” to know what is going to happen!  I love our time together, it is always a fun place to be.

I am going to start serving at the Red Cliffs Temple for one shift a week.  I look forward to serving there.

My life, thus far, has been filled with incredible joy as well as heartbreak.  I have learned to enjoy the fresh air and the beautiful moments that lie within the mountain tops of life, my children, my grandchildren, my family.  And yet, I have learned to cope with the disappointments in life and the tragic loss of loved ones as I have journeyed through the valleys of death.  I have mourned those who have departed this life, those whom I dearly love.  And, I have especially mourned the loss of my Zach.

 

When we reach this “Senior Citizen” age, we simply do not know how much time we have left on this Earth.  I will try my best to be kind, gracious, loving, and continue to enjoy this life.  Goals.  I always need to have goals and work on them.  After all, I am a “work in progress,” even at 65.

This is 65

On this, the 12th year AD

 Zach’s angelversary: 12/11/11

If you are a parent who has lost a child to death, then you are keenly aware of how difficult of a trial it is to traverse.  The journey through that particular grief and pain is and will be a lifelong process. I could list the ways that have helped me as I have journeyed through my grief, but I have already shared many of those in previous blog posts.  However, what I have come to understand and learn is this… I am not alone.

Since Zach’s passing, I have met many parents who have tragically and/or unexpectedly lost a child to “death.”  The losses have been from suicide, drug addiction, tragic accidents, or terminal illnesses.  I have witnessed, talked with, and palpably felt of their grief.  And through those particular experiences, I have come to appreciate and love these parents to the very depths of my soul.  We have a bond through our losses, and I have personally been blessed and lifted by and through their faith.  As I have passed through these various portals to witness the tragic losses others have had, there has been the great realization that I am not alone.  And, these parents, my friends, are not alone.

 

Since Zach’s death was by suicide, I have had many opportunities to speak to youth about that very topic.  When I hear of how many young people struggle with depression, their self-worth, with being friendless, or simply struggle with life in general, my heart aches for them.  I want to offer my love and listening ears, to each and every one of these young people who are in the midst of their particular struggle.  My young friends, PLEASE know this, you are not alone!  I wished my Zach had known this.

Through Zach’s death, I have learned empathy.  One cannot have gone through the experience of losing a child without gaining a change of heart.  That change of heart helps us to not only try to become a better person, but also enables us to be more sensitive, compassionate, loving, and service oriented.  It simply helps us to be a little more Christlike.  I know when I am being observant of my surroundings, I find opportunities to do some small act of service.  Those moments in time give me pause to reflect and recognize that I just helped someone to understand that they are seen and are not alone.  And in turn, I find that I have made a new friend.  And once again, I find I am not alone.

Life, as imperfect as it is, is full of lessons that humble us, teach us, and enable us to try to become the best version of what our Father in Heaven knows we can be.  And this helps me to understand and know, I am a daughter of God.  He knows me personally.  His love for me is immense.  He most assuredly wants me to know that He is always there for me, and to know that I am never alone.

Zach died exactly two weeks before Christmas in 2011.  That first Christmas was oh so difficult without Zach there.  That first Christmas allowed for us to fully embrace the Savior’s birth.  That first Christmas allowed us to ponder our Savior’s life coupled with the many lessons He taught, especially through His loving example.  And of course, we pondered His death, His resurrection, and His incredibly beautiful gift of life eternal.  Within the Savior’s teachings lies the beautiful assurance and promise that I will see Zach again.

Zach, I love and miss you each and every day.  I purchased a new charm, for a necklace, that has angel wings on the front with your name and a ❤️ on the back.  You are our family’s angel, my angel.  Because of that knowledge, I know you are near, and I know I am not alone.

Birthdays Come, Birthdays Go, Another Year Without You, and Another Year Closer to Seeing You Again

25.  Today would be your 25^th birthday.  A quarter of a century.  

I had a dream about you early this morning.  I love when you are there, sending heavenly messages.  Those dreams seem to tell me how much you love me.  They tell me you are not far.  They tell me you are watching over me, your dad, and our family.  The feelings I have when I awake are often filled with emotions that stretch from A-Z, especially around your birthday and the day you left us.  To say, “I miss you” truly can never convey the depth to which I do.  I dearly miss you Birthday Boy, ok ok, young man!

What gifts can I possibly give you being that you are in another realm?
- My promise to be a faithful disciple of Christ.  

- My promise to be loving and kind in a world that has become somewhat contentious.

- My promise to work hard so that I can see you and be with you again.

- My promise to attend the temple often.  It is the place where I have felt the heavens open and wrap me

in comfort and peace.

I recently had a conversation with our granddaughters about those who die.  I shared with them, how both Dad and I know, how happy you are.  Brielle added “and safe.”  Yes, you are both “safe” and “happy.”  You are safe from the evils, trials, and all the unkindness that exists in this world.  And yet, you are happy, happily engaged in the work that goes on after this life.  I well imagine your beautiful infectious smile blessing those with whom you come in contact.  These are the thoughts that comfort and lift my heart.  With faith, hope, and love, anything is possible and achievable, even peace.  

 

I will continue to keep my eyes on heaven.  And when I notice that “twinkling” star I sometimes see, I will continue to think of you flashing me that brilliant smile (as I always do) and know that all will be right one day.  

Happy Birthday Zach

PS:  Your flowers were made by Brook and Brielle this year and I love their arrangements so much!  They made them with so much care, thought, and love.

    Mark wanted me to add the Linkin Park version as they were Zach’s favorite band

Zach was our light