The one thing that is a constant for both Mark and I is that Zach may be gone from this life, but he is never far from our everyday thoughts of him, thus he will never be forgotten. Never.
Today would be Zach’s 26th birthday. 26.
Today he has been gone from this earthly existence nearly thirteen years. He died when he was thirteen.
The day Zach was born was one of joy, as it was when each of my children were born. His cute little cherub face, the baby hands, the baby snuggles, the dark hair, the blue blue eyes, the baby giggles, the baby smiles are all and more that make my Momma heart happy. Memories.
When I was a “Diet Cokeaholic,” I poured myself a glass each and every morning. Right after, I would take a big sip. One morning when Zach was in his high chair, probably 18 months old, he was grinning the biggest smile while I did my morning routine while getting his breakfast ready. Right after I took a big sip of that delicious Diet Coke, I hear the biggest “Ahhhhh” of a sigh. I looked over at him, only to see the biggest smile as he was “ahhhh sighing” with me to help me enjoy that first morning sip. Memories. Beautiful memories.
Zach was busy. He loved fishing. He loved riding his bike. He loved to play basketball. He loved having friends. He loved Karate and always made Coach Reis laugh with his LOUD Karate screams. He loved golf and having lessons with Coach Averitt. He loved playing golf with his brother, brother in law, and Dad. He loved Go-Cart racing, especially at the Golphin’ Dolphin in Emerald Isle. He loved boogie boarding and skim boarding. He was pretty impressive on a skim board. Zach embraced life and loved it. Memories.
Pictures. Videos. Videos with your voice and laugh. Trophies. Scout paraphernalia. Your scriptures. A book you wrote in elementary school. More pictures. The love you gave, and we embraced. Memories.
Zach lived. Zach loved. Zach was a gift from our Father in Heaven. A beautiful wonderful precious gift.
“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." -Richard Puz
You may be gone here, but you will never be forgotten. For, my memories of you and your short life are embedded and written in the depths of my soul. They are mine. My memories of you.
Happy Birthday Zach! I love you with all my heart.
To whomever brought these beautiful drumsticks, THANK YOU!! Thank you for remembering our Zach!
First and foremost, thank you for ALL the birthday wishes via cards, text, emails, phone calls, and of course FB.When you are in your twenties, you never think it could ever happen to you… you become a “Senior Citizen.”Well, I am officially a 65yo Senior Citizen.So… show some respect for the age!!!!
Morning bed head.
The good news is that I have been waking up this side of dirt!
I walk Gus, my adorable fur baby.
I workout.
I take my prescription drugs, day and night. It seems like every time I go to a doctor they want to add something new to my regimen. 😂.
I have cataract surgery coming up in a few weeks. The good news is that I will not have to wear glasses with the exception of at night for driving only.
I had my eyebrows micro bladed as they no longer are showing up on my face.
I have lots of wrinkles. Those are my “life well lived” lines. I am keeping them, FOREVER!
I love sitting in my mushroom chair to play on my iPad, or read, or face time with my kids and grandkids.
I still have my eternal companion, Mark. I love taking vacations with him. I love making him laugh, a LOT. I love finding new series to watch with him and finish it out as soon as possible. I can’t handle all the cliff hangers. I even sometimes go to the “spoilers” to know what is going to happen! I love our time together, it is always a fun place to be.
I am going to start serving at the Red Cliffs Temple for one shift a week. I look forward to serving there.
My life, thus far, has been filled with incredible joy as well as heartbreak. I have learned to enjoy the fresh air and the beautiful moments that lie within the mountain tops of life, my children, my grandchildren, my family. And yet, I have learned to cope with the disappointments in life and the tragic loss of loved ones as I have journeyed through the valleys of death. I have mourned those who have departed this life, those whom I dearly love. And, I have especially mourned the loss of my Zach.
When we reach this “Senior Citizen” age, we simply do not know how much time we have left on this Earth. I will try my best to be kind, gracious, loving, and continue to enjoy this life. Goals. I always need to have goals and work on them. After all, I am a “work in progress,” even at 65.
If you are a parent who has lost a child to death, then you are keenly aware of how difficult of a trial it is to traverse. The journey through that particular grief and pain is and will be a lifelong process. I could list the ways that have helped me as I have journeyed through my grief, but I have already shared many of those in previous blog posts. However, what I have come to understand and learn is this… I am not alone.
Since Zach’s passing, I have met many parents who have tragically and/or unexpectedly lost a child to “death.” The losses have been from suicide, drug addiction, tragic accidents, or terminal illnesses. I have witnessed, talked with, and palpably felt of their grief. And through those particular experiences, I have come to appreciate and love these parents to the very depths of my soul. We have a bond through our losses, and I have personally been blessed and lifted by and through their faith. As I have passed through these various portals to witness the tragic losses others have had, there has been the great realization that I am not alone. And, these parents, my friends, are not alone.
Since Zach’s death was by suicide, I have had many opportunities to speak to youth about that very topic. When I hear of how many young people struggle with depression, their self-worth, with being friendless, or simply struggle with life in general, my heart aches for them. I want to offer my love and listening ears, to each and every one of these young people who are in the midst of their particular struggle. My young friends, PLEASE know this, you are not alone! I wished my Zach had known this.
Through Zach’s death, I have learned empathy. One cannot have gone through the experience of losing a child without gaining a change of heart. That change of heart helps us to not only try to become a better person, but also enables us to be more sensitive, compassionate, loving, and service oriented. It simply helps us to be a little more Christlike. I know when I am being observant of my surroundings, I find opportunities to do some small act of service. Those moments in time give me pause to reflect and recognize that I just helped someone to understand that they are seen and are not alone. And in turn, I find that I have made a new friend. And once again, I find I am not alone.
Life, as imperfect as it is, is full of lessons that humble us, teach us, and enable us to try to become the best version of what our Father in Heaven knows we can be. And this helps me to understand and know, I am a daughter of God. He knows me personally. His love for me is immense. He most assuredly wants me to know that He is always there for me, and to know that I am never alone.
Zach died exactly two weeks before Christmas in 2011. That first Christmas was oh so difficult without Zach there. That first Christmas allowed for us to fully embrace the Savior’s birth. That first Christmas allowed us to ponder our Savior’s life coupled with the many lessons He taught, especially through His loving example. And of course, we pondered His death, His resurrection, and His incredibly beautiful gift of life eternal. Within the Savior’s teachings lies the beautiful assurance and promise that I will see Zach again.
Zach, I love and miss you each and every day. I purchased a new charm, for a necklace, that has angel wings on the front with your name and a ❤️ on the back. You are our family’s angel, my angel. Because of that knowledge, I know you are near, and I know I am not alone.
25.Today would be your 25thbirthday.A quarter of a century.
I had a dream about you early this morning. I love when you are there, sending heavenly messages. Those dreams seem to tell me how much you love me. They tell me you are not far. They tell me you are watching over me, your dad, and our family. The feelings I have when I awake are often filled with emotions that stretch from A-Z, especially around your birthday and the day you left us. To say, “I miss you” truly can never convey the depth to which I do. I dearly miss you Birthday Boy, ok ok, young man!
What gifts can I possibly give you being that you are in another realm? - My promise to be a faithful disciple of Christ.
- My promise to be loving and kind in a world that has become somewhat contentious.
- My promise to work hard so that I can see you and be with you again.
- My promise to attend the temple often. It is the place where I have felt the heavens open and wrap me
in comfort and peace.
I recently had a conversation with our granddaughters about those who die. I shared with them, how both Dad and I know, how happy you are. Brielle added “and safe.” Yes, you are both “safe” and “happy.” You are safe from the evils, trials, and all the unkindness that exists in this world. And yet, you are happy, happily engaged in the work that goes on after this life. I well imagine your beautiful infectious smile blessing those with whom you come in contact. These are the thoughts that comfort and lift my heart. With faith, hope, and love, anything is possible and achievable, even peace.
I will continue to keep my eyes on heaven. And when I notice that “twinkling” star I sometimes see, I will continue to think of you flashing me that brilliant smile (as I always do) and know that all will be right one day.
Happy Birthday Zach
PS: Your flowers were made by Brook and Brielle this year and I love their arrangements so much! They made them with so much care, thought, and love.
Mark wanted me to add the Linkin Park version as they were Zach’s favorite band
Today marks 11 years since Zach passed away on the 11th of December, 2011. I think of Zach often, and this time of year I have had many thoughts and feelings stirring in my soul. This blog post, I felt prompted to share some of my most personal of challenges, aka “trials.” While each of our challenges and trials are different, my hope and prayer is that you will feel, you are not alone. I pray you can put your faith and trust in our Savior. For He is the one and only one who can carry you through those difficult storms.
When Zach passed away, I told God that that was my trial. That was it. The end. Done.
Not so.
A few years later, another trial arrived. Mark underwent a surgery for a 3cm hole in his esophagus. It was touch and go, coupled with a long recovery and some long term “minor” issues. He passed through that portal of misery, with a little help from me, and has been trying to “run” ever since. I once again told God, ok, no more trials.
Not so.
Little did I know that yet another trial was lurking in my genetic make-up. Another trial. I had been having various medical issues over the years with “unexplained” causes/diagnoses. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, the culprit. In part, it causes chronic pain and enlists other diseases to attack my body. One of which causes crystals to develop in my body that in turn may cause tendon tears and possible tendon ruptures. I sometimes feel like Frankenstein when I walk…arms out and a side to side stiff legged walk. The medications I have been put on leave me immunosuppressed coupled with other side effects. Yes, I wear a mask when out of my house! My physician and I are still working on figuring out meds that will help, all the while I am doing all things to stay active and moving. As you might have guessed, I stopped telling God “no more trials!” Please understand, I do not share this for sympathy. I simply desire to express how important it is in this life to stay focused on the “eternal” aspects of life. Our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ can and will guide us through these storms to bring us safely home.
Faith.
I do not believe God points his finger and says, “let Me give her this trial and see how she does,” nor do I believe that we hand picked our trials before coming to Earth. The God I believe in is kind. He is loving. He is merciful. He is forgiving. I have great faith in my Father in Heaven and in our Savior Jesus Christ. Looking to our Savior, I can see how He suffered incredibly difficult trials, far greater than anything I could ever imagine. Most certainly, He suffered and endured more than any and every pain I feel now. Enduring our trials with faith will most certainly lead to a “spiritual” calm and a peace only our Savior can offer.
Imperfections. Gratitude.
For me, what I have come to understand is that we chose to come to Earth to have an “Earthly” experience. We knew we would have trials when we came and we were able to “joyfully” accept that fact. We chose to have imperfect bodies, live in an imperfect world, and live amongst imperfect people. This life, albeit an imperfect one, is most certainly a blessing. Learning to maneuver through our imperfections is perhaps the greatest of opportunities we can have to grow closer to our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. As I am learning how to maneuver through my physical challenges, I realize more each day that my imperfect body is a gift. The body, my body, is truly a marvelous work and a wonder, and our Grand Creator gave me mine. Even when it does not work as well as I would like and sometimes fails me, I am eternally grateful for this gift.
Zach.
Eleven years ago today, on a Sunday, you left this world, our world. I miss your “So, How’s it been doing?” I miss going with you to get you a Baconator at Wendy’s, and having your Dad (the cardiologist) scold us every time. I miss your infectious smile. I miss watching you do Karate and you screaming the loudest when your Karate teacher, Aaron Reis, would get you to yell. I miss hearing you play the drums. I miss having you come up and randomly give me a hug. I just… miss ALL things Zach… I miss you! I will always miss you!
I have thought about you every day since your passing. I have wondered if you realize how much I do think about you. I have actually pondered if you are still near and involved in our lives from the other side of the veil. Then this past week, out of the blue, I had an experience that let me know you are still involved in my life. I was checking out at Kneaders, and after this young woman rang me up, she asks me my name. I told her Wendy, and then she asked if my last name was Pulsipher. I told her yes. Of course, I had the question written all over my face, “how do you know me?” She then shared how her brother had Karate lessons with Zach and that they received their black belts together. She also shared with me that she still has Zach’s “RIP” bracelets along with sharing a few other things. I had to give her a hug and then thanked her with grateful tears. I do not know if she will ever know how she was an answer to my pressing thoughts about Zach. For me, you see, she was my little angel, Zach’s messenger, to let me know he is still around. Zach is our beautifully missed angel.
If you made it this far, I am grateful for your time. Instead of saying, “thanks for watching” as Zach used to say, I will say “thanks for reading.” Wishing each of you a Merry Christmas and a very Hopeful Happy New Year.
Our Little Drummer Boy
After earning his black belt
Trying his hand at comedy… he was a better drummer!
