Every year when Zach’s birthday comes around, I typically ponder for days about what to share. For weeks, I have been pondering “hope” and how that has helped to ground me and stay focused on what is most important in my life.
Why “hope,” you ask?
For me, “hope” has simply been a part of everything important in my life. For instance, when I serve in the temple, I am always hoping for some sort of positive spiritual experience. An experience that lifts, teaches, and blesses me. The experiences do not have to be grandiose. The experience could simply be offering a hug to someone who appears to need one. And then, having them offer gratitude for recognizing/acknowledging their suffering. The experience could be listening to someone who needs to share whatever they are struggling with. Or the experience could be standing in the hall or in the Celestial Room and feeling my heart swell with joy because the Spirit whispers to me that Zach is all right, happy, and busy. Those fulfilled hopes build my faith.
I had always “hoped” my living adult children would be incredible humans and parents. They are. To see them using their education, skill sets, and kindness to help bless others is such a marvel to witness. To have a bird’s eye view of how each child parents brings me such joy. Each has their own parenting style. And each child has sweet relationships with their children. To see this hope realized, in real time, makes my heart swell to near bursting.
When Zach was born, I had so many “hopes” and dreams for him. When he was young, he struggled learning the very basics in school. Because I was optimistic with hopes for his ability to “learn,” I knew he needed added help. I hired a tutor to help him. Zach had ADHD and as he got older, the struggle with education became even more prevalent. My “hopes” never died. I continued to see he get the aid he needed to achieve the grades I knew he could get. He did, in fact, improve to the point of getting A’s.
We tried “team sports” with Zach. I never had any “hopes” for him to be great, only hoped he would learn how to be a team player. I could see that team sports was not a good fit, so I signed him up for golf and Karate. He LOVED golf! His golf instructor was so good with him and very patient! Was Zach a great golfer? No, he was an ok golfer. But he loved it. He loved golfing with his dad, his brother, and his brother-in-law. It boosted his confidence. Seeing his love for the game and seeing his joy helped to fulfill some of my hopes for him. Karate-oh how he loved Karate. He would scream the loudest “Hay-ya.” His Karate instructor was so good with Zach. He helped to teach self-discipline and respect all while having fun. You could not go and watch Zach doing Karate without smiling. To feel my “hopes” grow for his successes and watch as he enjoyed this sport was yet another blessing.
Then came the drums. Zach begged and begged for a drum set. I caved and got him one for Christmas. He would bang on those things ALL.DAY.LONG! My “hopes” were that he would play them in a “rhythmic” manner. He signed up for band at school to play percussion. I also signed him up for private drum lessons. Zach’s band teacher was wonderful in tutoring him. His tutor was also great. Zach loved playing those drums and percussion instruments at school. He was quite good, because he loved to play them. My hopes of him making beautiful rhythmic sounds came to fruition.
Obviously, my hopes were shattered when Zach took his life. My very soul gutted when we found his lifeless body hanging. The utter anguish of watching his body taken away in a body bag can truly never be fully described. A moment in time I will never forget. The loss. The pain. The tragedy. In the blink of an eye, he was gone.
And yet, like stars appearing in the sky one by one, the seeds of hope began to reappear and blossom in my heart. I hoped to be the anchor in our family as they navigated their grief. I desperately hoped to feel the Savior’s Atonement succor me, lift me, and carry me through this time. I hoped when I reached for His hand, He would be there to grab hold of mine and keep me from falling into the mires of despair. He did. He was there through it all. The Savior still walks beside me every day. My hope, my faith, my focus is on Him, our Savior. He is the very center of everything I am and everything I hope to become.
I hope Zach knows how much I dearly love him. I hope as he is watching us, that he is proud of us, and that he sees we can survive any and every storm by turning our hopes and hearts to Him, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Hope is, indeed, alive, and well in my heart.
2 Nephi 31:20
20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.
Happiest Birthday my little drummer boy!!!
