Zach's drumsticks in a shadow box. The sticks on the left are engraved from Metcalf Mortuary. The sticks in the middle are his beat up and wonderful sticks he used all the time. The sticks on the right are the sticks ALL his friends signed and gave to us. And, of course, that beautiful quote to help us recall EVERY sweet memory of him.Friday, September 21, 2012
For an ounce of kindness…
Zach's drumsticks in a shadow box. The sticks on the left are engraved from Metcalf Mortuary. The sticks in the middle are his beat up and wonderful sticks he used all the time. The sticks on the right are the sticks ALL his friends signed and gave to us. And, of course, that beautiful quote to help us recall EVERY sweet memory of him.Tuesday, July 31, 2012
There seems to be a first time for everything lately…
I once read a blog post of a woman who had lost a child and the only thing she felt people needed to know about her was that she lost a child. I find myself in that category many times. That fact is simply part of me now. That particular part of me feels, knows and understands great loss. BUT coupled with that, I also want people to know that I am a woman of great faith~even more important, I want my family to know that I am a woman of great faith. My faith is my rock, and even in my tearful moments, my faith is what seems to carry me through my sorrows and tears.
It seems as if Zach’s birthday came and went as in the blink of an eye (cliché…I know). I worked at the Temple Friday morning, and Friday afternoon, Aaron and I went and purchased the balloon bouquet for the send off at the tree lighting. I owe thanks to Denise, a friend of mine who has also lost a son, for the idea of launching the birthday balloons. I also cut up cardstock for anyone, who wanted to, to write Zach a note and they attached their notes to the balloons. The bouquet was LOADED with notes from so many of our friends that it truly warmed my heart. It warmed my heart to SEE how MANY came to the tree lighting!!! I am grateful to all who did come.
Around 9ish, the tree lit up. When it did, everyone was silent and admiring the beauty of the tree with all its different lights. After a few minutes, Mark went up and thanked everyone for coming. He also told everyone that it is still hard as we miss Zach each and every day. However, we know he is happy and truly know that he is engaged in a far greater work~he was needed back in Paradise to do a far greater work.
After that, we gave everyone last minute chances to write notes before we let the balloons go. Rachel let the balloons go with all our messages to Zach. It seems as if the balloons hung in the air and then very slowly floated away. At that moment, I had the distinct impression that Zach was looking at us smiling while holding onto his balloons and then he carried them away. That was such a great moment and still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. He is and will always be missed in our home…a simple fact of life.
A friend who lost her husband many years ago came to visit me this past weekend. She told me that the first year IS full of firsts without your loved one. First Christmas. First Birthday. First Mother’s Day. First Father’s Day…and the list goes on. I think I would also like to include in the list of first’s: the first time I held him after he was born. The first time he smiled then giggled. The first time he wrapped his little arms around my neck to hug me and then kiss me with sweet slobbery lips! J The first time he crawled and his first step. His first word. Then on to his later years…the first Karate lesson~the first time he got his first belt advancement. The first time he played golf. The first time he BANGED on his drums…we were so worried about the investment we had made after that! Then, the first time he made sweet rhythmic beats on those drums~music to our ears.
While there is a year of firsts without him, I have ALL the memories of the FIRST’s with him. They are sweet memories, near and dear to my heart and as in Peter Pan…they are my happy thoughts!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Happy Birthday Zachary Thomas Pulsipher
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Of All the Fathers…
Beautiful new Mom...Chelsea and Brielle
Yup...I am a Grandma X 2...But they call me Nana!!!
I truly have much to catch up on since my last blog post. However, I will make the news aspect brief:
1) Received my Associate of Arts degree~still trying to decide whether to continue on or not…time will tell…
2) Brielle McCleve was born May 17th around 11:30pm. She came a week sooner than planned weighing in at 6lbs. 8oz. We had the pleasure of having Chels, Brook, & Brielle for about a week while Jeff worked on a big tile job in North Dakota.
3) Fully certified as an Ordinance Worker and I get my very own duties without further supervision.
4) We reached the 6-month mark of Zach being gone…
5) On June 18th, Mark and I will have been married for 30 years…he has endured it well!!
6) We head to Philly in a couple of weeks and I am looking forward to tons of fun!
7) Dixie Regional will be lighting the tree in honor of Zach’s birthday on July 27th.
8) Our next trip will be to Emerald Isle, NC. It has long been our tradition to go there almost every summer with our family. I am looking forward to going and visiting ALL my friends that just so happen to be going that week as well!!!
Now, on to the meat of this post:
With Father’s Day this Sunday, I thought I would share a few thoughts about the subject. I have three Fathers I look up to and would like to honor in my post.
The first would be my father. Garth Hayden Payne. His name does not get any more southern than that. He was a military man with a sense of humor that was unparalleled! He was an incredible example of someone who had a heightened interest in not only the protection of this great country, but also concern for our country’s prosperity. He taught each of us the importance of patriotism, hard work, respecting others, and a love for God. He also taught us that humor was important~and as Mom can attest~he was a very funny man. My favorite story is when we lived in Massachusetts and Mom was 8+ months pregnant with Scott. His cousin Roger and his wife were visiting us at the time, and Carol (Roger’s wife) was probably about as pregnant as Mom. Roger and Dad found a snake outside and proceeded to chase down two very pregnant women with it. I remember both women running as fast as they could to get away from them. Together Roger and Dad were notorious for causing trouble! I am grateful for a father who taught me valuable lessons that have helped me in my adult years~especially as a parent.
Of course, the man I am married to is one remarkable father. He has put our children first, even above his career. One of my most memorable moments was when Mark was doing his internship in surgery at Stanford. Chelsea was about 3 and Aaron was almost 2. He was doing a rotation in neurosurgery and I counted the hours he was gone in one week once—somewhere near 140 hours. Yes. He actually looked like a corpse at one point from the lack of sleep along with the demands of his training. He came home late one night (somewhere around 1 or 2am) and did not come to bed. I decided to get up and see what he was doing. I found him in the kid’s room—holding Aaron in his arms. After he laid Aaron back down, he picked Chelsea up and held her for quite some time. He then looked at me and told me that he did not want to miss out on his children’s lives because of his career. He opted out of the surgery program and went into interventional cardiology—because of his love for his family. No matter how tired he has been, he has always made time for the kids and me. The stories are countless of his sacrifice to be there for and help each of our children. Of course, Zach was the child he actually was able to spend the most time with because he is now in practice as opposed to training. He took Zach golfing, taught him how to ski, played baseball and basketball and went to all the Father/Son campouts with him. When Zach passed away, Mark lost his buddy. But, since Zach’s passing, Zach has now been the one to lift Mark and be there for him—they truly have a special relationship—all because a father took the time to be with his son.
The third father who has blessed me with everything is God the Father. Some have asked me why I have not blamed God for the loss of Zach. The answer is simple. Zach was God’s son long before he was mine. This is a fact I just simply cannot deny. My pain for missing Zach is tremendous at times, but finding gratitude in life and opportunities to serve—certainly helps me to look past myself—my own grief—in order that I may just somehow help someone during the day. Our Father in Heaven gave His only Begotten Son to offer us the opportunity to come back into His presence. Without this gift, there simply would be no hope~hope is certainly what gives me the strength to go on, the strength to do all I can to be worthy to see Zach again one day, the strength to have the faith necessary to learn, to serve, and to accomplish all that I need to in order to be worthy of our Savior’s great atoning sacrifice. Our Father in Heaven gave us an incredible Gift and I am eternally grateful to Him for loving even me that much.
One last thing…Mark and I will celebrate THIRTY years of marriage on the 18th! Many of you that know me, KNOW he has to be one incredible man to have endured 30 years with me. I am grateful for him and to him for letting me just be me!
And that’s the blog for today…until next time…
PS: Here is a link to listen to a song that says it all about how I feel about the treasures of my heart~the riches of my soul~enjoy! You will have to copy the address & put it up in your URL and the song should load :)
http://www.defordmusic.com/mp3/therichesofmysoulbeckimadsen.mp3