The Heart of the Matter Is…

A year ago, I started my journey into the “blogging” world.  I started in February, which happened to be two months after Zach’s passing.  I just want to thank each of you that take the time to read my posts—to those of you whom I know and love, and to those of you whom I do not know but love too.  My blog has been to Russia, Latvia, Germany, France, Korea, England, Israel, Canada, Columbia, and of course the United States.  I am feeling a little like “Carmen San Diego!”  Well, enough of the melancholy stuff…but…melancholy things usually involve “matters of the heart.”

Ahhhhh…but the things of the heart…I thought I would just share a few things that are the heart of the matter…to me anyway!

First and foremost, there is One who has helped my heart immensely through the hardest time in my life—my Savior.  For me, keeping my heart turned heavenward has been one of the greatest blessings in my life.  I have said over and over in many of my posts, and—I will say it again, I am ever grateful for my faith.  There lies within each of us the power to overcome and to be healed simply by taking our hearts to our Savior—He lifts, leads, guides, loves, and continues in helping to heal my heart.

Next, my children and grandchildren are a part of my heart.  When I look at them, I see and feel a piece of my heart running around out in the world.  The love I have for each of them is deeper than myself—even overwhelming at times.  I admit there are times when I miss Zach so much that I am not sure my heart will be able to bear it.  Quite frankly, I become heartsick.  It is at those times I will go look at his pictures to see his happy face, visit his gravesite and know he is truly gone from this life, watch the video of his life to recall those sweet moments in time that warms my heart, or sit in the Celestial room of the temple and truly know how happy he is by feeling his spirit near.  It is at those particular moments in time that I realize missing him is all right as I do love him with all my heart.  Each of my children has helped me to become a better person all because of love—their unconditional love for me.  Ahhh…to know my children is to love them (& Jeff & Katie that goes for both of you as well)—it’s as simple as that!

Now…as for my husband!  When people meet us, the question that is ALWAYS posed is:  “How did the two of you ever get together?”  Reason being is that we are polar opposite.  He is quiet.  I am loud.  He is shy.  I am outgoing.  He is serious.  I am somewhat lighthearted (ok…maybe a LOT lighthearted).  He hates to dance.  I LOVE to dance!  He likes rock ‘n roll.  I like country (& NO, we are not Donny & Marie!).  At any rate, I think you get the picture.  But, opposites attract and here we are 31 years later.  I am grateful he puts up with me!  NO!!  Seriously…he really does!!  He has endured me putting on a superman cape as I ran around Priesthood/Relief Society advertising “Super Saturday.” (PS: it worked—we had a record # of sisters show up).  He has also endured my many other antics, where he just covered his eyes and said, “Wake me when it’s over!” HA!  The stories go on and on and on.  I am truly grateful that we have joined our hands and hearts through our journey of joy, family, schooling, life, and even through the tragic loss of Zach.  Our “rollercoaster” ride has had ups and downs, but we sit together, hand in hand, all along the way.

Last but not least:  Never say never!!!  Thirty-one years ago, Mark challenged me to come to Utah to visit him.  I was living in California and had absolutely NO interest in: 1) living in Utah, 2) marrying someone younger than me, 3) marrying someone from my mission, 4) putting someone through school, and 5) getting married before I was 27!  The heart is truly a fascinating thing—it has a way of changing, especially when the opportunity for change arises.

5) I was married by 23—fell head over heels in love and had to break my goal.  Yes, it is love!  4) I not only put Mark through undergrad, but put him through med school, residency, and had 3 children along the way.  What was I thinking?  Yes, it is love!  3) I, in fact, married someone from my mission.  I always thought Mark would be a cute brother-in-law (and he actually dated two of my sisters—but that is a story for another time) as he was an incredible missionary.  We were good friends and you can only imagine the utter shock when we sent our wedding announcement to our mission in Korea.  (remember the polar opposite thing???---yea…) Yes, it is love!  2) I married someone who is 16 months my junior—yes…he is my junior companion!!!  Hahaha!  & Yes…it is love!  1) Honestly, I NEVER wanted to live in Utah—I never saw myself living here at all…ummmm ever.  AND, where am I??  I live in St. George, UT.  I am a southerner at heart, a porch sitter, fried green tomato-eating girl, humidity is my friend, and friends with every homegrown person kind of gal.  When you drive down the street, you wave.  Mark would always ask me, “Who was that?”  I would say, “I have no idea!”  That is how I grew up!  While I miss the south, I do love St. George.  There is a lot to love about it here.  I have found many homegrown friends and I am learning to appreciate the DRY desert weather.  I love that my family thinks of St. George as “THE vacation spot.”  I love the small town atmosphere, yet there are many cultural things to do here.  Why am I here???  Well, it is love!

Yes…the heart has the ability to encircle those we love.  We definitely need to be sure that our hearts keep beating for those we love!  While my life has not been a fairytale to say the least, it has been full of the things that matter most—my family.  I have become quite fond of this quote, “Every once in a while, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale.”  My life certainly is ordinary and it has truly been blessed and surrounded by extraordinary people.  And that…is love!

Kenny Chesney "Who You'd Be Today" 

click on this link for the song

As for New Year’s Resolutions and Birthday wishes…

Well, here we are in the year 2013.  Today is 1/13/13 and it is official…I am 54 years old now!!!  It is truly hard to believe that another year has passed in our lives and passed without one of our children here with us in mortality.  I believe my soul has learned some powerful lessons of things I should do and as to how I should live my life.  While I am far from perfect, I am grateful for the lessons that humble me, teach me, and help me to reach for my own divine potential. 

My New Year’s resolutions have included many of the normal things such as losing weight and getting out of debt.  But, some of my resolutions have come from introspect – through examining the many inadequacies of the imperfect person I am.  Quite simply, I need to “do” better.  “Do” equals action.  It seems as if I am always “doing” something—but I need to do better in doing the things that have purpose, meaning, and ultimately help someone other than myself!

I gave a talk recently in church, and I truly feel as if I need to share it with you.  Simply, it has to do with "doing" in order to find the "healing."  My birthday wish is for each of us to look past ourselves and do something that will help someone in need.  And that would be … a Happy Birthday for me. 

This is a video about putting on "God's glasses" to see that there are many who could use our help :)

 

Below is my talk:

I want to pose the question, Can one truly heal from tragedy?  It has been a little over a year now since Zach’s passing and while I miss him each and every day, I want to stand as a witness today that it is possible to heal.  It is possible that at some point in our lives, we could be faced with some sort of trial or tragedy that may test the very roots of our faith.  It is at these trying times that we must be sure to turn to the One and only One who can heal our aching hearts. 

For in Luke chapter 4:18 it reads:

 18 The ^aSpirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath ^banointed me to ^cpreach the ^dgospel to the ^epoor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to ^fpreach ^gdeliverance to the ^hcaptives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at ⁱliberty them that are bruised,

I have a debt of gratitude to and for my Savior for succoring even my broken-heart.  I am grateful for His example of unconditional love and service.

For me, healing has come through many avenues.  It has come through prayer, scripture study, inspiration, and serving.  I have also learned that healing is an active process.  Healing requires effort on my part to press forward—even when my heart feels the heaviest.  For me, I have found that I cannot sit idly waiting to be healed.  This is not how it works.  Healing is in fact active, active through doing.

Serving has been one of the greatest avenues in helping to bring me comfort and peace.  I have had to look past my grief to see that there is a world that needs my help.  Simply put, serving is healing.

Sister Elaine S. Marshall stated in a devotional at BYU in 2002,

We Must Help Others Heal

The fifth lesson of learning the healer’s art is the obligation and great gift it is to help others heal. President Gordon B. Hinckley has admonished: “As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, ours is a ministry of healing, with a duty to bind the wounds and ease the pain of those who suffer. Upon a world afflicted with greed and contention, upon families distressed by argument and selfishness, upon individuals burdened with sin and troubles and sorrows, I invoke the healing power of Christ.” 8

Every day someone in your path is hurting, someone is afraid, someone feels inadequate, or someone needs a friend. Someone needs you to notice, to reach out, and to help him or her to heal. You may not know who that is at the time, but you can give encouragement and hope. You can help heal wounds of misunderstanding and contention. You can serve “in the cause of the Master Healer.” 9

My healing process continues even today and will more than likely continue for years to come.  I feel that my healing process began the day Zach left this mortal existence.  I am sure some of you may wonder how that can be.  I would like to share with you some very personal experiences, which have helped to provide healing in my life.

For those of you who were at Zach’s funeral, I shared what happened the night of Zach’s passing as I lay in bed.  I laid in bed with a broken-heart, tears that would not seem to stop, and staring into the dark.  The Lord knew what I needed and through the whisperings of the Spirit came some comfort.  First, came some lines of scripture—“Lean not to thine own understanding,” and “trust in the Lord.” (from Proverbs 3:5-6) Then came the hymn, “Sweet is the Peace the Gospel Brings.”   Because of our human nature, my desire was to understand and process what had happened—but because the Lord loves me, He wanted me to be sure that my heart turned to Him and that I put my trust in Him.  Even today, a year later, those lines of scripture continue to remind me to keep my “eye single to the glory of God.”  He then reminds me of the hymn, “Sweet is the Peace the Gospel Brings.”  In my depths of despair, through this hymn, I have been reminded of everything I know, everything I believe, and everything I have been promised if I stay the course, keep the faith, and simply endure to the end. 

In October 2005, Russell M. Nelson stated in an article:

Willingness to serve and strengthen others stands as a symbol of one’s readiness to be healed.

When sore trials come upon us, 32 it’s time to deepen our faith in God, to work hard, and to serve others. Then He will heal our broken hearts. He will bestow upon us personal peace 33 and comfort. 34 Those great gifts will not be destroyed, even by death.

The gift of resurrection is the Lord’s consummate act of healing. Thanks to Him, each body will be restored to its proper and perfect frame. 35 Thanks to Him, no condition is hopeless. Thanks to Him, brighter days are ahead, both here and hereafter. Real joy awaits each of us—on the other side of sorrow.

Furthermore, James E. Faust stated in his article:

Recent information seems to confirm that the ultimate spiritual healing comes in the forgetting of self. A review of the accounts indicates that those who survived best in prison and hostage camps were those who were concerned for their fellow prisoners and were willing to give away their own food and substance to help sustain the others. Dr. Viktor Frankl stated: “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 11 The Savior of the world said it very simply: “And whosoever shall lose his life shall preserve it.”

Back in February, Mark and I were asked to serve as advisors in the St. George Special Needs Mutual.  This was something Mark & I had started to do together and quite honestly for the first time in a calling—I painfully confess, I had a difficult time giving my all.  While I absolutely love my special friends, I was letting the wedge of my own personal sorrow and grief hold me back from serving with all my heart.  Then with the many changes in Mark’s work, he had to be released--as his call schedule at work changed--that simply made it impossible for him to be there.  I just didn’t know if I could fully commit with Mark not being there with me.  At our first meeting in September after school began again, I was sitting in the chapel listening to the talks and singing our signature songs when I received personal inspiration.  I had gone to this meeting thinking, “I will probably ask to be released.”  At one point during the meeting, as clear as day, the Spirit whispered, “This is where you need to be.”  At that very moment, I was able to let any and every apprehension I had go and offer all that I have in serving these wonderful children of God.

The past four months serving in Special Needs has been incredible.  Our special friends love every activity we prepare for them.  They have unconditional love and plenty of it for everyone.  I have been able to witness many miracles in some of our special friends lives.  Being able to offer all that I have in serving our special needs friends–these choice sons and daughters of God has brought solace to my soul and an incredible amount of healing.

This past month, Patty Foote, our Humanitarian specialist provided us an opportunity to perform service at Head Start—to go and play with these pre-school children and read to them.  I found myself signing up to read to these pre-schoolers.  I went and read the book, “The three little wolves and the big bad pig,” and fulfilled my duties.  After I read my book, the teacher asked me to come back and read on a regular basis and I told her I would think about it.  When I left, this opportunity to serve these sweet children was on the forefront of my mind.  My heart was saying that I need to participate in this service opportunity, yet again I found myself in conflict over committing to serving there.  Upon pondering what I should do, I was prompted with a hymn and the hymn that came to mind was… ”Because I Have Been Given Much.”  Well, my first reaction was to look heavenward and I said “really???!!!”  So, I returned the following week and explained to the teacher that because I had so much fun—I came back to read some more.

As I found myself on the floor playing with these sweet children, I was reminded of when I volunteered twice a week in Zach’s kindergarten class.  I recalled many sweet memories of that time in his young life.  I could feel Zach’s joy as I helped these Head Start children expand their imaginations while playing and reading with them.

On December 22, I was at a store with Rachel helping her to find her Christmas presents.  I ran into a friend there, Sherra Schupple, who then invited us to come to Kolob Care Center on the 24^th to help her and her family perform a Christmas program for the residents there.  The word that spilled out of my mouth was “sure.”  Mark was on ER call, which means we don’t see him at all, so on the 24^th, Christmas Eve, Rachel and I went with the Schupples to perform the story of our Savior’s birth.  What a choice experience to sing for and with these people—some of whom were going to be alone on Christmas day.  After performing, I watched as the Schupple family and my daughter made their way over to the residents, held their hands, and simply spent time talking with them—and as you might have guessed, I joined in as well and felt the spirit of Christmas simply envelope me.

The place where I have found an immense amount of healing is in the temple, through being an ordinance worker in the House of the Lord.

President James E. Faust in the July 2005 Ensign stated:

“The Lord has provided many avenues by which we receive this healing influence. I am grateful that He has restored temple work to the earth. It is an important part of the work of salvation for both the living and the dead. Our temples provide a sanctuary where we go to lay aside many of the anxieties of the world. Our temples are places of peace and tranquillity. In these hallowed sanctuaries God “healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.””

As an ordinance worker, I have found an incredible amount of peace and comfort through learning the ordinances and carrying out my duties with a full purpose of heart.  It is through this service that I can forget all my worries and focus solely on performing my assignments.  My assignments range from being an initiatory worker, veil worker, sister follower on a session, to some of the more simpler duties of working the hall or guide chairs.  Through carrying out each assignment, the one constant recurring feeling I get is that the temple is full of love.  The ordinance workers I have the privilege of working with are full of love and compassion for one another and many have stories of incredibly difficult trials and tragedies—but have come to work their sorrows away through serving in our Father’s house.

Yesterday, we had the opportunity to go to the temple as a family and be together doing proxy work for my kindred dead and for Zach.  Words just cannot adequately express the tender feelings I have from this experience.  As I entered the Celestial room, I saw family.  I saw friends who are near and dear to my heart.  Looking around the room, I was overcome with the glimpse of what it will be like when we are reunited with those we love—with Zach.  With hugs, kisses, “I love you’s,” and more hugs, there was nothing there but a pure love for one another.  I truly felt as if my cup had runneth over.  I know that Zach was with us.  Zach is happy.  Zach is busy and he will again be with us one day.  The Lord’s plan is indeed a plan of salvation and of happiness.

 I do want to share one last experience I have had of recent.

About 5 years ago, Susan Hancock who was in the Stake Young Women presidency asked me if our family would be willing to participate in a Stake Youth Temple Fireside—to be held at the St. George Temple.  Mark, Rachel, Zach, and I were asked to all dress in white.  Mark, Rachel, & I were to be standing by the temple as if we were waiting for Zach to come back to us on the other side of the veil.  The youth were seated on the patio facing away from us.   Standing in front of the youth, Zach sang  “Families Are Forever.”  After our family finished singing the chorus, he crossed the bushes and came running into our arms and we lovingly and excitedly embraced him-welcoming him home.  I had completely forgotten about this experience until a couple of months ago when Brother Gentry and his daughter performed a musical number.  When Brother Gentry’s daughter began to sing, it was as if someone was sitting next to me whispered, “Do you remember when…,” at which point I turned to Mark and asked “Do you remember when our family performed at the temple and Zach sang, ‘I have a family here on earth?”  We both began to cry as we remembered this sweet and tender experience. 

Zach does have a family here on earth, we want to share our lives with him through all eternity.  Instead of us welcoming him home, I know that Zach will be welcoming us home with open arms.