When all you can do is to: “Have Faith in the Plan”

I have actually started and restarted this post countless times, and finally decided to get this posted today, Sunday.  Since this post has a lot to do with Mark, he wanted to read it and approve it.  But, he does not have the energy nor focus to do so.

So today...  I am writing from the hospital room of my best friend, sweetheart, husband, Mark.  I find writing and sharing my feelings therapeutic.  The message that has come to me nearly everyday through the past few weeks is: Have Faith in the Plan.  I hope I am able to convey this message well, and that maybe just maybe, this message will help at least one of you to find your faith and “Have Faith in the Plan.”

Without going into ALL the details that have lead to this point, I will just give a summary of what is going on.  In 2008, Mark had a four level C-spine fusion of C3-C7.  In 2010, the titanium plate fractured.  At that point, we traveled to Duke University for more surgery.  Where the plate had fractured, the broken screws acted like windshield wipers and eroded away the vertebral body at C5-C6.  The surgeon removed the lower portion of the fractured plate, inserted a bone plug, and put a plate on to overlap where the plate had broken, then fusing him from C3-T1.  He then rolled him over and placed two rods in his neck from C5-T1.  That was an extremely difficult surgery for Mark to recover from.  But remember… he is a marathon runner.

In 2011, Zach passed away.  I have written many blog posts about my feelings of loss.  But most of all, I feel I have written much about “hope.”  I hope those of you who read this will feel of my deep sense of hope and “faith in the plan.”

Several months ago, Mark began to have some serious symptoms.  This led to having an esophogram, which revealed a few concerning things.  We found this out a few days prior to a speaking engagement I had at a Women’s Conference for the Pineview Stake.  My topic… “Women are that they might have joy.”  With all my given stress, I prayed vigilantly for the spirit take over and for me to deliver the message I was directed to give.  The Lord did not fail me, He never does.  I found so much joy in sharing.  I found so much joy in feeling the spirit from these incredible women, and from feeling a part of their great sisterhood.  I felt lifted.  I felt hope.  I felt of their love.  Thank you Pineview Stake for that sweet invitation as you truly blessed my life that day.

The next week while walking my puppy Gus one day, I was pondering the seriousness of Mark’s situation while having a tearful conversation with our Heavenly Father.  I just wanted the heavens to open and for Heavenly Father to tell me “everything is going to be just fine my child.”  Instead, I received this inspiration:

a)     Continue being a true disciple of Jesus Christ, a stalwart follower

b)     Always stand for truth and righteousness

c)     And, be a witness and testify of our Savior, Jesus Christ

I admit I was puzzled by this particular revelation.  WHY would I receive “this” particular inspiration.  I suppose the answer is in my title: Have Faith in the Plan.  As I relayed my particular inspiration to Mark, he reminded me that we need to keep the eternal perspective.  “Whatever happens,” we need to have faith in the plan, faith in our Father in Heaven, and faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.  From everything we have been taught to everything we believe and hold near and dear in our hearts, it truly is those humbling, life altering, drop you to your knees kind of trials when our faith is tested.  The only way to pass through the portals of trials is to make sure our testimonies are fueled with the necessary oils that can sustain us, carry us, and bring us that sweet calm assurance of peace.  We need to have faith in the plan, in God’s plan.

Saturday, the 22^nd of February, we found ourselves in the ER.  Mark was showing some symptoms that were concerning and was admitted to the hospital.  Sunday afternoon, he was taken to the OR around 4.  We had the cutest young lady who transported Mark to the OR, her name is Pam.  As Pam was wheeling us to the OR, she began to ask us about us.  I then began to ask her some questions.  How long have you been in St. George?  About 10 years.  Where did you go to high school?  Desert Hills.  What year did you graduate?  201x.  I then asked her, do you remember a student named Zachary Pulsipher.  She paused and said yes!  She began to talk about Zach as she had a class with him.  She spoke about when he died and how the school brought in extra counselors for those students who were struggling.  She continued to share many sweet things with us.  She was one of the many angels who blessed us that day.  I do not believe it was any coincidence that we met Pam.  From meeting Pam, and the fact that Pam knew Zach, we knew our angel Zach would be around during the course of this trial.  She gave us a gift, the very real sense that Zach was there with us.  Mark and I both felt as if we received a heavenly message from Zach, delivered by an earthly angel, Pam.

Surgery began around 5:30pm and finished around 11:30.   I have to say Mark has been under the care of incredibly skilled surgeons.  From the Neurosurgeon, Dr. Manwaring who carefully removed the plates, to the ENT surgeon, Dr. Gardner who carefully and most skillfully repaired a hole in Mark’s esophagus – 3cm hole to be exact.   And, I can’t forget forget to mention all the other key personnel from the anesthesiologist, to the nurses, to the techs, and for anyone else I may have forgotten to mention.  I have eternal gratitude for the team that was put together to help Mark.  I also need to thank these caregiver’s families who sacrificed their time with their loved ones to help my dear husband.  I well understand what those sacrifices are and have been in their shoes countless times as Mark has run to the hospital to care for someone in need.  

Tomorrow is D-day.  Mark will have a swallowing study done to assess a couple of things.  First and foremost, we need to be sure his esophagus is not leaking.  Next, we will be assessing his swallowing capabilities.  These are two major hurdles, and our hope and prayers are to see some miracles with both assessments.

Mark and I have been surrounded by your prayers, our family, dear friends who are our earthly angels (you know who your are), our wonderful Ward family, priesthood blessings, Mark’s colleagues, texts, calls, and the list goes on.  How blessed we are for those friendships, how blessed we are from your prayers (please keep them coming), and how blessed we feel to be lifted and loved by each of you. 

Life has been… a rollercoaster.  While the past few days have been full of ups and full of downs, we are now into day 7 post-op and today is a good day.  Mark is stable at the present time and slowly improving each day, he still has a few milestones to reach.  This is a very different type of marathon for Mark.  Dr. Gardner is pleased with Mark’s progress.  There is still the possibility of some bumps or hurdles.  However, we are cautiously optimistic.  Have faith in the plan.

PS… I have taken some pictures of Mark.  But if I post them, it may cause some marital strife.  For now, they are safely filed away in the “cloud.”

PPSS... We also have a new grandson amidst all this turmoil.  He is just darling and a beautiful reminder of “the plan.”  Each of our grandchildren fills Mark’s heart and mine.  

Ruby getting up close and personal with “Little Dude”

Daddy & Little Dude

He Knows by Shawna Edwards

Certain Women by Shawna Edwards

Sometimes You Just Need Wonder Woman Bracelets

Everyone has insanely busy lives, me included.  Mine has become a little out of control.  Without boring you with details, it has begun to wear on me. And it has worn on me in such a way, that the rock had begun to crack.

Ever since Zach’s passing, I have felt the need to try and ensure that everyone has been lifted and happy.   While the loss of Zach certainly weighs heavily on everyone in our family, especially this time of year, I have always felt it essential to at least get Mark, my children, or Zach’s friends to smile.  I try to recall some memory of Zach that usually invokes smiles or laughter or “he was so cute!”

This year…this year was different for me.  I have been SO busy!  Yesterday, I baked ALL day for a youth activity, as I really wanted it to be memorable for the youth and time worthy.  I was so busy that I actually was not prepared for today, the day that Zach died.   I didn’t have his flowers made.  I didn’t go to the temple.  I missed a lunch date with a special friend.  You can play the world’s smallest violin now! 

I got so caught up in my own emotions, my own grief, even feeling sorry for myself!  WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY??  Why eight years?  Duh!  I know the answer to the “why.”  It is as simple as this…  I let myself get caught up in “me” instead of looking around me.  This is where I need those “Wonder Woman bracelets” to thwart off those bullets of self-pity, of blinding myself to others needs, of not finding time for the spiritual essentials, and the list of bullets I need to thwart goes on.  

I was in Costco today to get a few necessities.  I am a “people watcher.”  As I looked around, I saw an elderly woman out on a Costco excursion with her nurse and a family member.  She was severely stooped, pushing a cart, yet I do not think she could hold her head up to see where she was going.  My heart opened up for her as I watched her maneuver through the aisle past me. Then, I recalled being at the care center last night and seeing some of the elderly residents who just needed to hear some Christmas carols and have their doors decorated.  For some of these elderly residents, it is a very lonely time of year.  My heart opened up thinking about these youth singing to these sweet people and having a moment of joy brought into their lives.  One woman came up and asked if we could decorate her daughter’s door that is in the rehab section.  She shared the story about how her daughter had just graduated from high school this past summer with a full ride scholarship to a university.  Her daughter had the world in front of her.  And then, she was in an accident in the latter part of the summer that caused a traumatic brain injury.  My heart opened up quite a bit for this mother and daughter.   

Life is hard, and not just for me.  Everyone has trials, and everyone’s trials are different.  We need to cling to our faith.  We must nurture our souls.  We must find a love for our fellowman, and serve them.  Surely, each of us must follow our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He led the way, and he said, “Come Follow Me.”  It is through Him that we can find peace and joy again in this life.

As for me, I simply just need to be better.  I need to DO better.  I do not need to look too far to extend my helping hand.  And when those spray of bullets begin to thwart my vision, I need to remember I have powerful Wonder Woman bracelets made with faith and hope.

Zach…  another angelversary has come, eight to be exact. I think about you everyday. I think of your infectious smile and your laugh that was so contagious it would make me laugh.  I miss your hugs and chats in the car as I drove you to school or picked you up.  And, I really miss our Little Drummer Boy.  I picture you spreading all sorts of your goodness all over heaven with your bright and sparkling soul.  This is my beautiful and perfect impression of you now.  I send you special hugs and pray that I can feel an occasional hug from my angel.

Zach happy to hug his niece-Brookie

Thanks Heather for this song!!!  I love it too <3

When the heart needs a hug…

A sunset full of hugs

I was looking out at the sky the other night and saw the most beautiful sunset.  As I looked to that beautiful horizon, I felt as if the sky reached out and wrapped the distant land in a graceful warm beautiful hug.  I felt as if Zach was giving me an angelic hug through this picturesque scene.  This was an incredibly beautiful feeling.  I love those special moments that pierce my heart with love and gratitude.

Today is certainly a day to reflect on the sweet life of our son Zach.  Today, he would be 21.  Today, he would have already completed a mission for our church.  Today, he would probably be holding to his promise to his father and attending college at the University of Utah.   Today, he would be excited to celebrate another birthday.  Today, I would see a young man whose smile, personality, and incredible spirit bless all he knows and loves.

But Zach’s “today,” his birthday, will be celebrated differently than the rest of us here on earth. We do celebrate Zach’s life and the magic he brought into our family and the lives of those he knew in his short life. We celebrate by remembering the moments in time of the things he did that continue to bring us joy, even today. There is not a day that goes by that thoughts or memories of Zach surface and today those floodgates are open. 

While I miss Zach each and every day, I am eternally grateful for that “Great Plan,” the Plan of Salvation. This plan offers me comfort, peace, and an opportunity to work at being worthy of seeing our sweet Zach again. For I truly believe there is life after this life, eternal life.  I believe that a loving Savior lived, died and rose from the grave, breaking the bonds of death, to give us this incredible gift.  How grateful I am to Him for giving me this hope, for my greatest desire is to see Zach again.  Because of my faith, I can press forward with confidence being optimistic in my pursuit of eternal happiness.

So “today,” I say, “Happy Birthday Zach!”  While you are dearly missed, I love that you are my angel, our family’s angel.  Thank you for hugging me through those beautiful sunsets of life.

When One Door Closes, Another Always Opens

The newest member to join our family sooooooooon!

Mark and I have made many changes in our lives over the past few months.  The biggest change is that we moved.  We moved eight houses down from our old home.  We decided it was time to rid ourselves of the stairs/two-story home and build a one level home.  We started the process last June and we were able to finally move in on April 15^th-Tax Day!

As I did the final walk-through of our old home, I found myself downstairs where Zach passed away. With all the fun, beautiful, awesome memories of living in our old home, there is one memory that is still heartbreaking, Zach’s death.  I actually kissed my hand and touched all the places where his last moments were in that house.  I then looked around that mostly empty room and said my final good-bye.  That home served us well and another family will make their beautiful memories in it, and truly, that makes me smile.

I came home, opened the door, and thought, “I love our new home.”  We have beautiful views of Pine Valley Mountain and various vistas.  I love watching storms roll in.  I love planting my garden and my flowerpots, and even weeding.  I love to cook in my dream kitchen and to grill outside in 100+ degree weather.  I love doing the dishes and even laundry.  I love to sit outside by our water feature and meditate.  I often ponder as to how many dogs I can talk Mark into letting me have-hahaha!  I love that we were able to help create this house and now we can enjoy the fruits of those labors.

As the door of the old closes, we take with us many beautiful, sweet, and fun memories. Those memories will stay tucked warmly and safely in my heart, never to forget.  “We don’t remember days…we remember moments.” (Author Unknown) “Today’s little moments become tomorrow’s precious memories.” (Author Unknown)

Here are a few pictures of our new home where we hope to make many new memories, especially with our new addition to the family coming on July 8^th~Gus!

This is the old home

Kitchen which is part of the "Great Room"

Great Room

The Great Room's view... it really is a "great" room!

The view can be seen right through the front doors

Pano of the front

These doors!  I am obsessed!  Shout out to Urban Iron Doors for the design  :)

Mark's man cave-beautiful office

View from the Master Suite

A little video of the water feature our builder Dave created :)  Shout out to DAVE!!!!

Gorgeous fire pit that Dave also created :)  Another shout out to DAVE!!!!

Ahhhh... the pool!  When the beach is unavailable...

Another pool view - shout out to Oasis for creating this refreshing scene :)

Back patio pano

And then...  Gus!

He has even captured Dr. Mark's heart :)

Seven in Heaven

It has been a LONG while since I have written anything!  This time of year always brings Zach’s passing to the forefront of my thoughts and deepest feelings.  I had a sweet friend ask me recently if I relive those moments in time seven years ago. I replied, “every year!”

There is so much to try and comprehend, to try and overcome, all the while remembering to always look up and keep the faith.  Recalling Zach’s death is at times extremely difficult.  And yet, I feel I can see him filled with a joy I completely have no understanding of.

In reading the Book of Mormon, I have pondered Ammon’s “joy.”  What would that be like to have that kind of joy?  What would that be like to be filled with that kind of joy? To the point of laying prostrate on the ground?

When in my life have I been “filled” with joy?  

When I was baptized, I was filled with joy.  While it was a special day and moment, it cannot be compared to Ammon’s joy.

When my family was sealed in the temple, I was filled with joy.  That moment in time was sacred and beautiful, but still cannot be compared to Ammon’s joy.

When I was married in the temple, I was filled with immense joy.  That was an incredibly happy day.  I remember smiling so much that my face began to hurt.  Nevertheless, I feel it falls just short of that joy Ammon felt.

When I had each of my children, my joy thermometer was off the charts.  As I held each one of these precious little beings fresh from heaven, my feelings of joy were so intense, so pure, and really beyond description.  I think that those beautiful moments are probably the closest times in my life of feeling the joy Ammon must have felt.

Being an empty nester, with a child on the other side of the veil, and a Nana, how can I feel that joy I have tasted at various times in my life?  Each of us NEEDS to have some sort of joy in our lives.  Each of us should seek to find joy in our lives.  And most of the time, we do not have to look far to find and feel it.

I think the biggest secret to finding joy is simply serving someone in need.  Serving brings those desired droplets of joy to my soul.  They fuel me to want to do more and to have more of those particularly sweet moments.  Serving can be as simple as putting someone’s shopping cart away for them. Or, it can be purchasing someone’s groceries for them.  It can be calling your eighty-one year old mother.  It can be visiting family members.  Serving can be taking a treat to someone who may be shut in.  It can be showing up to clean someone’s home, and even making them dinner.

Where does the joy come from any of those suggestions?  It comes from the woman with five children who is so grateful you are putting her grocery cart away as she tries to multitask loading children and groceries into her car.  Joy comes from seeing a person’s face light up with immense gratitude as you help pay the difference she is short in the grocery check-out line.  Joy comes from calling my mother, asking about her day, and letting her know how much I love her.  And in turn, I feel my mother’s gratitude and love from making a simple phone call.  Joy comes from visiting my children and playing with my grandchildren.  I am always excited to see them, to feel of their love, and to spend time making special memories for all to remember.

As I have pondered Ammon’s joy lately, I have given deep thought as to how I will feel when I see Zach again.  Joy. And I actually believe, it will be the kind of joy that Ammon felt.  I do not think I will be laying prostrate on the ground, but I will be hugging him, kissing him, and crying big crocodile tears of joy when that blessed day comes.

Our angel Zach has had seven years in heaven.  Oh how we miss him.  I believe my job on earth is to serve and find ways to bring joy to others.  And in turn, this brings my soul joy.  I like to picture Zach smiling his big beautiful smile, full of joy, and busily serving.  As we continue our journey joyfully here on earth, may each of us share our “joy” and “Light the World” this Christmas season. 

Listen to this beautiful song "The Sweetest Gift"

This is a beautiful talk about service.  Click link below
The Joy of Unselfish Service

<a href="https://www.bloglovin.com/blog/4758513/?claim=jy4cw79xwsg">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again…”

First, listen to this song.  Then if you desire, continue reading.

Recently, I have had several people come to me for help in regards to friends who have lost children.  More specifically, I have been asked to help friends who have lost children to suicide, and parents who have children contemplating suicide.  Mark and I were also asked to consider sharing our story in an even more public forum.  However, we declined for numerous personal reasons.

I decided, for Valentine’s Day, to share what is in my heart in regards to Zach’s death and the topic of suicide.  I share it specifically for those who have lost a loved one to suicide and pray that my words will somehow lift and encourage you.  I also share our story from a heart that is in a good place at this time in my life. 

On December 11, 2011, our sweet Zach hanged himself.  Mark found him and together we took him down.  Mark desperately tried CPR, but has seen death enough to know that Zach had been gone for more than an hour.  Most of that horrific night is still yet a blur.  The police came.  The ambulance came.  They put our son’s body in a body bag and left it open at his face where I could kiss his head.

As you may well imagine, we were left with the ever-pressing question of “why.”  Zach left us no note.  We had noticed some changes in Zach’s behavior, but attributed most of it to teenage hormones.  A few months passed and we discovered the reason that led to Zach doing what he thought was his only way to relieve his suffering.  I won’t go into all the particulars, but suffice it to say, someone we trusted hurt him in a way that could not be remedied.  His soul was in utter anguish, and he obviously felt he had no one to turn to for help.

As Mark and I have done a “play by play” playback of the last six months of his life, we each have recalled various times of those “red flag moments.”  “Why didn’t I see this?”  “Why didn’t I do something when he said that?”  All this coupled with the could haves, should haves, and would haves, had we known what was going on in his head and heart.  Sadly, we didn’t.

As far as my knowledge of suicide goes, I will leave that to the professionals to better assist in those situations.  They have the knowledge and skillset, and are equipped to address and aid those who may be contemplating suicide.   With that said, suicide is becoming a problem amongst our young people.  There is an urgency to help with this incredibly deadly disease.  There is an urgency for making people aware.  This is probably the reason Mark and I were sought out.  This is the sole reason for this post.  We decided to share our journey through grief in the hopes that it may offer some sort of help.

We cannot change what Zach did.  We cannot bring him back.  Bad things happen.  And as we have learned, our personal response to trials is paramount in our healing process.  Perhaps the most important decision that Mark and I made was to turn our hearts to our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ.  We cannot go through this storm without faith that everything will be made right in the end.  We cannot go through this trial finding blame or letting anger control our actions or thoughts.  We cannot go through this trial without our loved ones.  But, we had to go through this trial with every ounce of faith we could muster.  This was going to take an immense amount of work and effort on our part to pass through this incredibly difficult storm.

This trial brought us to our knees.  Our prayers were heard and have been answered in many ways over time.  We have looked to each other for comfort and help.  We study our church doctrine and have faith in the eternal nature of families.  We firmly believe we will see Zach again, along with other loved ones who have passed on. 

We faithfully serve in our church assignments.  Shortly after Zach’s passing, I was asked to serve in the Special Needs Mutual.  It was an incredible blessing to work with these beautiful Celestial people.  I have always felt that Heavenly Father knew that I had “special needs” and gave me these very special friends who greatly blessed my life.

We attend the temple often.  The temple is where we bind families for time and all eternity.  My experiences there are too sacred to share in this venue.  But those experiences have taught me, lifted me, and let me know often that our Father in Heaven is ever aware of my every heartache and need.  I can honestly say I would go through those doors with the heaviest of heart, and leave having the strength to continue on.  

We serve in our community.  We exercise.  Mark much more so than me!  He is our marathon man as he #runswithourangel. 

These are but a few of the things we do to “progress.”  We cannot sit idly by hoping that we will get a simple fix, that it will all go away, or that we will wake up from this nightmare and it will all have disappeared. 

We need to get up everyday.  Pray.  Study.  Work.  Serve.  Love.  Exercise.  Find gratitude.  Get ready for the day.  And then, start all over again the next day.  If we could only see ALL the angels cheering us on each and every minute of the day…  that particular thought makes me smile and brings me peace.  Especially since one of those angels is our Zach.

For you dear parents who have lost a child through suicide or other ways, I say to you that days do get brighter.  You can smile again.  You can laugh again.  You can find joy again.  And the most important thing to know is that your child wants you to be happy.  We know Zach is happy.

Through all this, the word that has continually come to my mind is gratitude.  I am grateful for the things I have learned through this trial.  I am grateful for Mark, his friendship, his love, and his kind and forgiving heart.  I am grateful for a heart that believes that this life is not the end.  I am grateful for my eternal family.  I am grateful for my journey through grief.  I am grateful for Zach.  I love him and miss him, each and every day.  Remembering the beautiful and wonderful things about his life brings me joy, brings me comfort, and brings me peace.  Remembering his awesome drumming and how much he enjoyed drumming makes me smile… pretty big.

I love the song “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.”  A friend posted it on his wall and I have listened to it over and over and over again.  I hope those of you who have found yourself in the same shoes as Mark and I can begin to “feel the sun,” because “your journey’s just begun.”  And remember, “In this moment, heaven’s working everything for your good.”

And now... watch the video again!

Below is a link to a beautiful talk Elder Holland gave that addresses mental health.

Like a Broken Vessel by Elder Holland