One door closes…but others always open…

Well, this has been a week of milestones, of accomplishments, of tears, and of things to look forward to. I have found it interesting how we human beings have such a range of emotions—and how the smallest to the most colossal of events can stir laughter, compassion, tears—pull, twist, and stretch our very heart strings…that somehow help us to be sensitized (NOT desensitized) to not only our feelings, but to a world that has feelings.

Of milestones, well…Zach’s head stone was finally placed at his gravesite today. As I drove into the cemetery today, I could see across the way that it was finally here. Quite honestly, I began to cry, as it was the final thing to be completed since his passing. Words cannot begin to describe the wave of emotions that overcame me at that moment. I miss him. I will always miss him and that is all right. He was a bright light in our lives that will shine in our hearts forever.

Of accomplishments, I finally finished my English lit class from fall semester. I not only finished it, but I was able to finish well. I am still working my way through my Spanish class—but managed to yank my grade up to an A-. Through all my struggles from the loss of Zach, I have felt him helping me and encouraging me as he did before to do my best. I also want each of my other children to be proud of me, as EACH IS VERY ACCOMPLISHED!!!!

Of tears, my days are slowly getting better. I recently found a shirt that was Zach’s favorite. He had lost it and searched high and low to locate it about a month before he passed away. I found it in a suitcase that he used for the last road trip he and I had taken together—stuffed into the side pocket along with a pair of his socks. This seemingly small incident brought and eruption of tears—both of sadness and joy. Sadness, of course, because he is gone—joy and even a giggle remembering how he would forget where he would put his things—with a sigh uttered along with my motherly head shake.

Of things to look forward to, my list seems to be getting longer each and every day.

1) I will graduate on May 4^th with my Associates of Arts. Yes…I am 53 years old and it has only taken me FOUR years to earn this degree. I hope that it does not take another four to finish!

2) I am working in the Temple now as an Ordinance worker. I truly get the biggest charge from these “seasoned” (elderly) workers who are set in their ways and expect you to perform your duties in the way they prescribe. I love to watch these sweet elderly people, who slowly climb the stairs, and who willingly and dutifully are ready to perform any assignment given them. I have great admiration for each of them.

3) My second grandchild will be born at the end of May—a girl. Brooklynn has named her “Karalyn,” and has called her that since the day Chelsea told her about the baby. Jeff, on the other hand, has other ideas for a name—Brielle. It will be fun to see who wins in naming her. I look forward with great anticipation in meeting this sweet baby!

4) Spending a week with Brooklynn while Chelsea recuperates from her c-section. Pool, waterparks, princesses, playgrounds, movies, naps (for Nana—she will be worn out!!!)

5) Mark, Rachel, and I are headed to Philly the first week of July to visit Katie and Aaron. Mark and Rach have never been and they are in for a treat! We are planning on going to see Coldplay while we are there (Zach’s favorite band). Fireworks on Katie & Aaron’s rooftop, Hershey Park, New York (shopping & a show)—I get energized by the East Coast and ALL that awaits us out there.

6) The Summer—I am just looking forward to the summer and having some down time—time to read some books that I have put off for so LONG.

Although I have felt immense pain at times, I know I am not alone. Each of us has experienced some sort of pain or loss in our lives—whether high or low on the Richter scale of pain—we have all felt that sting of pain. How we endure it, and how we conquer and overcome it is imperative to becoming a stronger, more compassionate, and certainly a more seasoned human being.

Well…that’s the wrap-up for the blog today

The Young Philanthropists Who Have Made a Difference

I am trying to post this again in hopes that the quality is somewhat better! I am more than sure that A-sauce will tell me if he can read it or not :D!!

Young Philanthropists Who Have Made a Difference!

Sorry everyone!!! I could not access the link to Intermountain Stories--so, I scanned and loaded it into my blog!!! YEAH!!! Another blog post...BUT with TWO very special people--Andy and Ashley Bonny--LOVE you both!

Mark & me; Sunset; Aaron getting close enough...but not too close; beautiful view of the Grand Canyon; Aaron & Katie

Three Whole Months…

It truly seems impossible that 3 months have passed since Zach left this earthly life. I rely on so many things to sustain me—all of which I hold near and dear to my heart. It seems the littlest of things crop up and stir memories of that son of mine.

We recently took a trip to the Grand Canyon to get away with Aaron & Katie. Aaron and Mark decided what hikes we would take and I blindly went along!! We arrived Thursday afternoon and went to the rim to watch the spectacular sunset. Friday, we embarked on a “fairly easy” 7-mile hike. We had 2 camelbacks and four adults—3 of who are in extremely great shape—& 1 who was just going along for the ride (ME!). As we began our decent, we had to traverse rocky switchbacks, which led us down and on our way to Dripping Springs. I had made about 3 miles of the hike when I knew that if I didn’t turn back—I would not make it back before dark. Mark had long gone ahead of the 3 of us and I told Aaron & Katie to go on for Mark (little did I know that they wanted to turn around with me as well). I began hiking back all alone on this trail—fearful of making any wrong turns. I finally made it back to the switchbacks that would take us to the top of the mountain. At this point, I was in need of water and kept hoping the fam would catch me. Mark caught up with me, watered me, and then left me climbing at my turtles pace. Aaron and Katie finally caught up with me and they watered me—Aaron hiked on and Katie hung back to encourage the old woman every step of the way! Good news is that we finally made it to the top and I don’t know if I ever want to do that again!

Now, I say that as the next day Aaron & Mark decided we would embark on yet another hike—only 3 miles—one of the most popular ones on the South Rim. Although every muscle ached, I was determined to enjoy family time. So, we all traversed the steep switchbacks that led us to the “Ooh Ahh” point. Breathtaking. Beautiful. Peaceful. Then, it was time to hike back up—to say I hated my life at that moment having to go back up that mountain would be an understatement!!! But, I went at my turtles pace. I believe I only stopped to rest 3 times the entire way up—much better than the day before. The moment that made me smile the rest of the way up was when a large Hispanic woman passed. She was wearing a heavy coat and had no water. I am guessing she was close to my age. I was looking pretty wrecked at this point—red faced, hot, and sweaty! She looked at me and said (with a thick Spanish accent), “I know what waits for me on the way back up!” She knew she would hate the climb back up. As I approached the top, Mark, Aaron and Katie were all cheering me on. I was only 30 minutes behind Mark and 20 minutes behind the kids—not bad for a swimmer!

Obviously, I had a LOT of time to contemplate life and its vicissitudes! I am grateful for the beauty of this world and the many creations God has made for us to enjoy. I am grateful for people who showed me kindness along the trail—even though I was carrying a camelback, many stopped to ask if I needed water (yup—I looked that bad!). I am also grateful for humor and for that cute Hispanic lady who made me laugh all the way back up!

Last but not least, today, I heard a LOT of jet noise and opened the door to see the “Blue Angels” soaring through the sky. I confess I wasted about an hour+ watching them fly in formation, upside down, and right over my home. They were magnificent!! I thought how much Zach would have enjoyed watching them. I pictured him standing by my side watching them with me—my angel son probably was.

First Entry--the heart can really heal

Years ago when Facebook was the rage, my children felt I needed to become a part of the "Facebook" world. With their encouragement, I joined Facebook. Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with friends that I knew back in high school and to connect with my young friends (those being friends of my children). Since I have mastered my FB skills, my children have now encouraged me to begin a blog! But REALLY??? Who wants to read about the life of an old woman? I suppose they do…so, I write this just for them. If you, my friends, begin to read this—I hope you enjoy the ride!

My family probably could be described as your typical American family. Each of my children has been very successful scholastically. Chelsea graduated with her Masters in Speech Pathology. Aaron is in medical school at the University of Pennsylvania. Rachel is in nursing school at Brigham Young University. And Zach, he was always on the high honor roll at school. We are also typical in that my children would argue—whether it be with each other or with me. I just want to clarify that while we are a typical family, we are by no means perfect! However, we are all on a journey. And currently, the journey I am on will hopefully lead me to that blissful place of peace and happiness.

Of course, my most recent journey has turned into a rollercoaster ride—and hopefully I will be able to “find the peace” at the end. The ride began on December 11, 2011, when my son, Zach, passed away. It was 5pm when we discovered he had left this mortal existence—with my world, my husband’s world, and my family’s world being turned inside out.

I cannot even begin to describe the sorrow I have had from the loss of this incredible young man. But even sunshine can spread its warmth and rays through even the darkest clouds and rain. And at special times, the brightest rainbow, full of color, has also helped to lead my heart to the place I seek—peace.

Preparing a funeral for my son was certainly not on any of my “bucket” lists. Nevertheless, I had a responsibility, a mission if you will, to accomplish this overwhelming task. I also knew I could not do it alone. I first sought the guidance and help of my Heavenly Father. I knew that He would be instrumental in helping me to prepare the service. I also sought strength. I knew that I was going to be faced with lifting my husband, my children, and ALL of his classmates—I needed the strength of 10,000 men and the faith of the 2,000 Strippling Warriors. After much weeping and fervently praying on the morning of December 13^th, I remember standing up—taking a deep breath—then saying, “I can do this.” And so, I did.

It never crossed my mind, as a parent, that I would be picking out a casket for my son, a gravestone, organizing his funeral service, or even finding the clothes that we would be burying him in, but there I was preparing every needful thing—to give him the perfect day—the perfect tribute of his sweet life.

Thursday night was Zach’s viewing and it was to commence at 6pm and end by 8pm. I truly felt that Zach gave me a mission that night to try and help each of his friends to smile—as he told me how he wanted “me” to remember him. Thus, I knew he wanted his classmates to remember him the same way. As I spoke to the many young people who came through, I told them a story about Zach and how he wanted them to remember him. Many were able to laugh through their tears. I was even able to ask them, “doesn’t it feel better to smile and laugh?” Most agreed. There were so many who came to pay respects that night—I am so grateful for each and everyone who did—we even had friends and family fly in from ALL over the U.S. I think we saw the last person at around 9:30. Then, we had to collect all of Zach’s memorabilia and head home to finish preparing our talks/tributes to Zach.

The next day, the day of his funeral, we had another short viewing prior to, and then it was time for our family to publicly express our love for Zach. My mother, Rachel, Aaron, Chelsea, me, and then Mark, all spoke at Zach’s funeral. Rachel, Chelsea, and I sang “We Can Be Together Forever” by Michael McClean. I believe it was healing for each of us to have the opportunity to share sweet stories about Zach and to be able to share of our love for him. I believe I was able to find a little bit of peace that day.

Obviously, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Zach. I believe I will miss him for the rest of my life and that is all right—as he was our life!

Last but not least, one thing I am trying to do is to find something to be grateful for everyday—and finding MORE than one thing is even better-ha! Since this is a reflection of the past two months, I am grateful for the MANY women who brought us food, helped with Brooklynn, called, visited, and even brought inspiring books for us to read. The outpouring of love and help was not only overwhelming but also inspiring. I am forever grateful for these sweet ladies who sacrificed so much of their time in order to help our family in our greatest time of need.

Whelp…that’s a blog wrap!