Seasons Do Bring “Change”

Last week was the 10 month marker for Zach ~ it happened to fall on October 11, 2012 OR 10/11/12.  I decided to take a trip North to Provo for a few days as Mark was going to be “on-call” and I simply craved seeing my Mom, my kids and my granddaughters.

Since Zach’s passing, I have experienced many changes in my life.  The most obvious, of course, is Zach’s death.  Through his death, I have been able to examine my faith, my priorities, and my goals in life.

As far as my faith goes, I am hopeful that you who read this understand that my faith is my rock.  My faith is the one sure thing that brings me hope, comfort, and peace.  I have never questioned “why” Zach’s time on earth was short and as hard as it was to lose him—I have accepted what I cannot change.  Upon Zach’s death, I told Mark, “we have to do everything we can here in this life in order to see our son again.”  For, it is up to us to prove ourselves worthy to return to God and be with our family once more.  With this goal in mind, I have been working to change how I live my life—quite honestly, change can be VERY challenging.  A quote I found recently, states, “your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.”  My father always told me, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Thus, I take one day at a time and work on pruning (changing) out the old to allow for the new blossoms.  With that picture in mind, change can be beautiful—if we work for it.

Priorities…my priorities have definitely changed.  Maybe even more so, my focal points have been adjusted.  While my family has always been and will always be my priority, they have become the focal point of my life.  I have begun a journey into my genealogy and working on locating ancestors.  I have found one line clear back to 300 A.D. along with fascinating stories of some of their lives.  I devote “X” amount of time everyday in either searching or indexing.  I am trying to “use everyday as an opportunity to make tomorrow even better” ~author unknown.  It has been fun to go up to the Salt Lake Family History Center and work on my genealogy along side of my mother (who just happens to be pretty pro at this!).  Changing my priorities has helped me to actually see that there is so much to look forward to and to better appreciate the here and now.

As for the goals in my life…they are too numerous to mention and really irrelevant to anyone else.  Suffice it to say, goals are a necessity in life in order to progress to the desired end result.  Some have goals to purchase that new car, new home, or new big screen TV.  Some have goals of simply getting out of debt—to own rather than to be owned.  And for most of us, we have the goal to marry and have children and live happily forever after…this is one goal that will never change.  While all the material goals will change as with the ebbs and flows of life, the family never will.  Personally, my family is the source of ALL that brings joy and happiness into my life.  Yes, Zach’s death caused many of the leaves on my tree to fall…and fall with many tears.  This was an unexpected change in my life, my husband’s life, and our family’s lives.  This was a change that was to test the very roots of my faith.  As new leaves blossom, I understand and know that the roots of my faith have depth.

I will end this post with a quote by William “Harvey” Jett:

“Doubt sees the obstacles. Faith sees the way. Doubt sees the darkest night. Faith sees the day. Doubt dreads to take a step. Faith soars high. Doubt questions "Who believes?" Faith answers "I"”

Also, here is a link to a song that I love

Live Like You Believe

Natalie, Rachel, & Alyssa after church

Sisterly love--adorable

They just make me smile

The girls

Now...if this doesn't make you smile, I don't know what will!

My little leopard girl

For an ounce of kindness…

Well, September has come and is just about gone!  September 11^th not only marked the 11^th year since 9-1-1, but also was a 9-month marker for Zach being gone.  When I think about 9-1-1, I think about how much hate that was built up inside of those who attacked America that day.  A hate so strong, it destroyed lives and in turn devastated the families of those who lost their loved ones that grave day.  9-1-1 is a moment in history America will never forget. 

It seems the media had story after story of the heroic efforts of those who died in attempts to try and save others.  Ground Zero is an incredible memorial to all those who lost their lives that day.  If you have not had the opportunity to visit Ground Zero—YOU NEED TO GO!!!

From 9-1-1, I have pondered those who did not think twice about helping and rescuing someone else—even if it put their own lives in jeopardy.  From an incredibly hateful and destructive act, Americans rallied together from search and rescue to cleaning up the seemingly endless devastation.  In witnessing those charitable acts, I believe each of us possesses that Christ-like attribute—charity.

I have been the recipient of many charitable acts after Zach’s passing.  From phone calls, emails, cinnamon rolls, hugs, visits, to simply listening—my family and I benefited and were uplifted from these charitable acts.  My heart seems to overflow with gratitude when I contemplate these blessings.

I was in the grocery store a couple of days ago and I was standing in the “check-out” line.  There was a woman waiting her turn standing in front of me.  All of a sudden, I heard a big crash only to turn around and find that an elderly woman in her rider/wheelchair had crashed into a display—knocking many things over.  I witnessed her embarrassment.  After finishing looking at her, I painfully confess that I turned back around—facing the checkout stand.  As I did so, I noticed the woman in front of me.  She was glaring and muttering an almost loathing for what had happened to the woman in the wheelchair.  I do not share this next part to pat myself on the back, but I share this with you as a “call to action.” 

Upon witnessing an almost hatred from the woman in front of me, I felt as if I was being called to action—to diffuse a situation and lift someone who was struggling.  I turned back around, left my cart in line, and went over to help this woman in the wheelchair.  I started picking up the items that fell from the display and putting them back on the rack.  This poor woman was so embarrassed and apologized over and over.  I told her that it was all right, “accidents happen.”  After I finished helping her, she thanked me and I went back to my place in line. 

The entire time I was helping this wheelchair bound woman, the woman in front of me in line was watching me—I only know this as I looked up a few times to check on my cart and observed her staring at me.  When I went back to the line, the woman’s (in the check-out line) countenance had changed and softened.  The situation had been diffused and I personally was grateful that I listened to a prompting to help someone in need.

Have you ever turned into a monster when you get in your car and begin driving?  Have you ever tried to hurry and beat someone to a checkout line and cut him or her off?  Have you ever said, “that’s my husband’s job and I am not going to do that?”  Have you ever said, “I am just too busy to help?”  Have you ever had a prompting to help someone only to ignore it and later find that you could have helped that person? 

Because we are human, we are not perfect!  My motto used to be “I am a work in progress.”  I have since changed my motto to, “I must work to progress!”  I have been busily engaged in many wonderful things—serving is healing and helps to bring peace in my life.  This past Wednesday, I was working at the temple and was asked to help a wheelchair bound woman who was exceptionally debilitated.  Upon finishing my work in helping her, she leaned toward me and said, “thank you for helping me today.”  To which I replied, “thank you for letting me help you—it was a treat for me.”  And at that point, she touched her head to mine.  This woman brought me more joy, sweetness, and peace to my soul than she will ever know. 

Most certainly, by our offering an ounce of kindness through helping, serving, and being patient with others will transform our very souls.

  

Ground Zero

Ground Zero and you can see the engraved names of those who died.

Zach's drumsticks in a shadow box.  The sticks on the left are engraved from Metcalf Mortuary.  The sticks in the middle are his beat up and wonderful sticks he used all the time.  The sticks on the right are the sticks ALL his friends signed and gave to us.  And, of course, that beautiful quote to help us recall EVERY sweet memory of him.

Being a Nana is the one of the BEST gigs...ever :)

There seems to be a first time for everything lately…

I once read a blog post of a woman who had lost a child and the only thing she felt people needed to know about her was that she lost a child. I find myself in that category many times. That fact is simply part of me now. That particular part of me feels, knows and understands great loss. BUT coupled with that, I also want people to know that I am a woman of great faith~even more important, I want my family to know that I am a woman of great faith. My faith is my rock, and even in my tearful moments, my faith is what seems to carry me through my sorrows and tears.

It seems as if Zach’s birthday came and went as in the blink of an eye (cliché…I know). I worked at the Temple Friday morning, and Friday afternoon, Aaron and I went and purchased the balloon bouquet for the send off at the tree lighting. I owe thanks to Denise, a friend of mine who has also lost a son, for the idea of launching the birthday balloons. I also cut up cardstock for anyone, who wanted to, to write Zach a note and they attached their notes to the balloons. The bouquet was LOADED with notes from so many of our friends that it truly warmed my heart. It warmed my heart to SEE how MANY came to the tree lighting!!! I am grateful to all who did come.

Around 9ish, the tree lit up. When it did, everyone was silent and admiring the beauty of the tree with all its different lights. After a few minutes, Mark went up and thanked everyone for coming. He also told everyone that it is still hard as we miss Zach each and every day. However, we know he is happy and truly know that he is engaged in a far greater work~he was needed back in Paradise to do a far greater work.

After that, we gave everyone last minute chances to write notes before we let the balloons go. Rachel let the balloons go with all our messages to Zach. It seems as if the balloons hung in the air and then very slowly floated away. At that moment, I had the distinct impression that Zach was looking at us smiling while holding onto his balloons and then he carried them away. That was such a great moment and still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. He is and will always be missed in our home…a simple fact of life.

A friend who lost her husband many years ago came to visit me this past weekend. She told me that the first year IS full of firsts without your loved one. First Christmas. First Birthday. First Mother’s Day. First Father’s Day…and the list goes on. I think I would also like to include in the list of first’s: the first time I held him after he was born. The first time he smiled then giggled. The first time he wrapped his little arms around my neck to hug me and then kiss me with sweet slobbery lips! J The first time he crawled and his first step. His first word. Then on to his later years…the first Karate lesson~the first time he got his first belt advancement. The first time he played golf. The first time he BANGED on his drums…we were so worried about the investment we had made after that! Then, the first time he made sweet rhythmic beats on those drums~music to our ears.

While there is a year of firsts without him, I have ALL the memories of the FIRST’s with him. They are sweet memories, near and dear to my heart and as in Peter Pan…they are my happy thoughts!

Happy Birthday Zachary Thomas Pulsipher

It is hard to imagine not celebrating Zach’s birthday with him this year, but this particular blog post will be a tribute to him~this is me saying “Happy Birthday Zach!”

On July 27^th, 1998, a sweet little boy weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces came into our lives and won the hearts of each of his family members. Two years prior to his birth, Mark’s mother, Marilyn, came to us and said she had a dream of a little boy that was supposed to come to us and that he was so cute. Well, he was “so cute!” His big sister, Chelsea, wanted to come to the hospital and be there when he was born~she was 12 at the time. I remember watching her as the doctor got Zach and gave him to the nurses. She literally had tears of joy as he came into this world. She was the first person to hold him and begged to name him…and so we let her name Zach.

As he grew, his bright smiling eyes along with his grin and giggle always brightened our day and warmed our hearts. He was always busy and had to get into everything and climb on everything. I believe by the time he was 4 he had 3 head injuries all of which required going to get stitches.

I remember how much he loved McDonald’s Happy Meals…(and yes, the cardiologist I live with gave me many lectures on how bad that was for him). I remember Mom babysitting him once and she took him to McDonalds and upon ordering he told Mom, “cheeseburger happy meal, no pickles, no onions, with a chocolate shake.” Mom and I still chuckle about that.

He loved being with his Dad and doing things with him. Mark told me once that Zach had told him that he wanted Mark to be his best friend just like Rachel is Mom’s best friend. I believe they were. They went camping, golfing, fishing, and skiing. I remember a few months before he passed away, Mark and Zach were going to the movie and I would be home alone. Zach reassured me that “Mom, this is just guy stuff.” Oh, how I still smile at the things he would say.

The day before Zach passed away, I had gone into his room to put some things away in his closet. Zach was sitting at his computer and turned to look at me and said, “Mom, I love you.” He then got up from his chair, came up to me and put his arm around me. He even pulled me close to him and repeated, “I really do love you Mom.” What a gift he gave me before he left this earth…

Zach, I love you with all my heart as I do each of my children, their spouses, my grandchildren and your father. This Friday, the 27^th, your 14^th birthday, at Dixie Regional Medical Center, we are having the “Trees of Light and Life” lit in your honor. Many of your friends, family, and our friends will be there when the lights come on. I am bringing you a bouquet of balloons to be released that will float away with messages from all of us to you. You truly are and will be forever in my heart. I look forward to the day that we will meet again~I anticipate a joyous reunion…even beyond my comprehension. Happy Birthday son~Love, Mom

If you haven't seen it, I am attaching the link of the video of his life that a wonderful friend made for his funeral and for us to treasure.