Rollercoasters...

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Trials versus Inconveniences

It has been QUITE sometime since I have written anything! But, there is a very good reason as to “why” I have not. Are you ready for a story? Well, you are going to hear it anyway ha!

On January 13^th of this year, I turned 55. I woke up with the flu. So far so good, right? Mark kept telling me that something stinks in the laundry room. I went in there and could not smell a thing. Then, as I passed the stairs that go to the basement, I got a waft of something~something stinky! Being that it was 7am, I did not have my contacts in nor was I showered. So, I began my descent to the basement. The smell became stronger with each step down. I reached the bottom step and then stepped down onto the basement floor. It.was.wet! The area rug was wet! I was thinking, “what in the world???!!!!” Then, I tiptoed over to where the guest bath was to see if that is where the water was coming from… “OH NO!!!!!” It was not just any old water, but it was sewage water!!!!! I was barefoot standing in a bunch of poopy water~I am still grossed out! Yes… it made for a VERY crappy birthday!

To say that I had to have my basement upended would be an understatement! They had to pull out all the cabinets, throw any wood furniture that came into contact with it, pull all baseboards, tear down a section of cabinets, take out 1 ½ feet of sheet rock, pull out shelving (which had ALL my food storage on), AND the list goes on. We decided since this has become a mini-remodel job, of sorts, to get the basement floor refinished and to get our top deck repaired. We are about 3 weeks away from getting everything completed. I.will.be.so.glad/happy/relieved (I think you get the picture!).

As I relate this story to many sweet friends, they have told me, “Man, you are having so many trials!” As I quickly thought about that, my response has been, “losing Zach is a trial, this house stuff is merely an inconvenience.”

Losing Zach has truly been an enormous trial. I take one day at a time and press forward with every ounce of faith. There are painful tears of recalling his death. There are tears in missing him. There are tears recalling sweet and fond memories of him. There are tears for simply wanting to talk to him. BUT, coupled with those tears are many smiles. I can smile as I recall cute stories of him. I can smile as I find things he made or wrote and cherish them more than silver or gold.

As I have been cleaning out ALL my junk, I found several sweet memories. I found a tooth Zach lost. He had put it in this old little brass box. I remember him wanting to keep all the baby teeth he lost in this little box. There was only 1 tooth, his tooth. As I marveled looking at his tooth, I recalled the sweet innocent happy little boy he once was. Those memories warm my heart and make me smile.

I then had to get a ladder to do some high dusting. I found this piece of foil scrunched up and stuffed into the top of our built-in bookshelf. The memory behind the foil is one I will always remember with a smile. I received a frantic call one night from Zach. I could barely understand him as he was speaking excitedly fast! We have had a lot of building going on around us and that stirs up the habitats for little creatures. They search for warm places and places where they can find food. The little creatures that had come into our home were MICE!!!! They were coming up through this little hole on top of the built-in bookshelf, crawling along the edge, and down the fireplace. Zach got the ladder, climbed up, and stuffed this piece of foil into the bookshelf hole to prevent any more from coming out. As I was cleaning, I pulled this piece of foil out, held it and even smiled with a little laugh at this sweet memory.

I have been tackling just about every area of our home, de-junking. As I was downstairs going through some bins, I found a “Mother’s Day” card that Zach had made me back in Kindergarten or 1^st grade. It had been laminated. I love his cute little picture! I love looking at his handwriting! I love the message he wrote me! I love and cherish this memory. It brings both a smile and tears.

Where getting ALL this house restoration work done is a royal pain in the keester, it has also been a great blessing. Firstly, we are getting some things taken care of that have needed attention. Secondly, I have been able to go through and de-junk. I have made at least 12 trips to DI, and loaded garbage cans full, (I even had to borrow our neighbor's cans a few times). This has been a PLUS! Lastly, I have been able to find MANY sweet memories of Zach. Memories that bring a flood of emotions, and all are heart-warming.

I am grateful for inconveniences, as I have come to completely understand the difference between them and trials.

I am grateful for trials. Mine has brought me to the depths of sorrow and has taught me to look up. Mine has taught me to reach for my Savior’s hand so that he can firmly take hold of mine and pull me up. Mine has taught me to never let go of my Savior’s hand and that He will walk with me every step of my life. Mine has taught me that time is our friend and that my Savior coupled with time can help ease those wounds. Mine has taught me where “real” joy is found, and how to truly smile from the depths of my soul. Our lives are indeed an opportunity to create a beautiful masterpiece, one that we can cherish, appreciate, and have a depth of gratitude for.

I am grateful for memories, they bring me sweet quiet moments of peace and comfort. “God gave us memories that we may have roses in December.” And, as Barbara Streisand once sang, “Memories, light the corners of my mind.” My memories certainly are a light in my mind and to my soul.

I love his cheesy grin & LOVE that he ALWAYS signed everything

"Zachary Pulsipher"

Each of the students had to write a meaning to each letter in "mother"

This is what he wrote me. The big red picture is supposed to be a piece of candy

The back of his card~he had to put a heart with an arrow through it

My sweet memory find <3

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Another New Year, More Resolutions, and Senior Citizen Discounts

Good-bye 2013. Hello 2014. I have to say that I am truly grateful for this New Year. Why? Specifically, I couldn’t tell you “why.” Only that a new year always brings new and different opportunities for growth. A new year also allows for us to review our progress for the goals and resolutions made in the previous year. When my son Aaron was home visiting at Christmas, he asked us “what is your new year’s resolution?” Mark responded with “I am going to run the St. George Marathon!” Me, wellllllllll, my goals are both of a physical and spiritual nature and I began to list all of them off. I am not sure what kind of answer Aaron was expecting, but he rolled his eyes as in a “yeh, yeh, yeh.” Ha! This is perhaps “why” I don’t ever really share my goals as they really only pertain to me, and how I can improve myself. And, the bottom line is that is all that matters.

However, this year is a landmark year for me. Ahhhh…why, you ask? I am 55! What does that even mean??? It means that I officially get Senior Discounts at SO many places. I can get at least a 10% discount at most hotels. EVERY Tuesday at Michaels, I can get a 10% discount. 5% discount on shipping at all UPS stores (this will help as I am mailing something to my children/grandchildren all.the.time!). I get a discount at the movie theatre now! I can now go the movies with my mother and we can both get our senior discount. Do you even know how exciting this is??? And…I receive anywhere from 10-15% at certain restaurants~given only if I go on certain days during the week. However, I can get a 15% discount at Denny’s ALL day, EVERY day! Ok…I agree, Denny’s could gag a maggot! I guess I will see how many discounts my "AARP" card will really get me this year...

Do I feel older?

Hair: I have to get my hair colored once a month with a root touch up every two weeks. My hair is as w.h.i.t.e as snow, but I will keep coloring it as long as I have the mind to do so.

Memory: I have found myself often repeating myself. What do I mean? When speaking with my children, I have found myself telling them something I already had told them about. They are kind enough to say, “Mom, you ALREADY told me that!” At which point I reply, “I did??? Are you sure?” I can almost feel their eyes rolling on the other side of the phone. ha!

Physical: I do walk 5 miles almost everyday and swim a mile 3-4 times per week. I know my speed and it is not in the marathon area! I enjoy being outside and hiking with my family. However, I am usually the super slow one at the end.

Laughter: I have always and forever loved to laugh. I enjoy seeing my kid’s laugh, my husband laugh, my grandchildren laugh, and my friend’s laugh. Since Zach’s passing, this has been a difficult thing to retrieve. The reason being is that I have almost felt at times as if I have betrayed Zach by smiling and/or even laughing. But, the truth of it is that I believe Zach wants me to be happy. I have had a special experience where he showed me how he wanted me to remember him and help his friends remember him. We found his banana chair video a few days after his passing. When I watch it, I remember all too well how Zach found joy and humor in life and he wants me, Mark, his siblings, and friends to enjoy life. And, this includes laughing. I showed Mark a video last night and he busted up. I thoroughly enjoy listening to Mark’s laugh as it is infectious and warms my soul. Zach’s laugh was much the same, infectious. It makes me smile to think about it.

Love this video as you can hear Zach's laugh after watching his good friend Andy eat a spoonful of wasabi

This is Zach's banana chair video~still makes me smile to watch

Five years ago, if you do the math, I turned 50. That was a landmark year and the kids had all planned a surprise party for me. I believe Zach was the most excited. He had an extremely difficult time keeping secrets and I could just about coerce any secret out of him. Mark and I were on our way back from Vegas, and all the kids and guests were busily preparing the big “50^th” surprise party. Zach had called Mark several times and Mark kept cutting him off as Mark was really trying to keep a lid on the surprise. I couldn’t help myself and called Zach and I proceeded to lie to him that Dad "kind of told me" what is happening. I also told him that Dad said it was all right for him to tell me what was going on. Zach’s reply was, “really?” At which point, Mark (who was driving) began to scream and yell at Zach telling him not to say anything. He was also frantically trying to take my phone away from me and almost sacrificed his Lexus ISF sports car in doing so. Being able to reflect back on that moment in time, five years ago, I am overcome with mixed emotions of smiles, laughter, and even tears. Zach is a gem!

Zach had to be right by my side when everyone yelled "SURPRISE!"

Look at his smile...makes me smile

Do I have any wisdom to offer any of you? Not a drop! I believe that each of our journeys is different and each of us has to find our way. However, I challenge you to be a little kinder this year and witness how your kindness can transform you and those around you. I close this birthday/New Year’s blog with a video from President Hinckley with that challenge “to be a little kinder” in 2014.

Be A Little Kinder...

And, as always, I need to include a song. This one is by Sally DeFord-the video is kind of grainy...BUT listen to the words :)

A Believer's Prayer

Saturday, December 7, 2013

WHERE and HOW can I possibly find the magic in Christmas???

I ask you “where” is the magic in Christmas? …and, “how” can I find it???? Two years ago, two weeks before Christmas, our adorable son Zach passed away. For me, Christmas has always been full of joy, magic, and love. But, on December 11, 2011, the magic seemed to disappear when Zach left this mortal existence.

I felt as if:

I had been sucker punched in the stomach.

The wind was completely taken out of my sails.

The candles flickered and then blew out.

I had an emptiness that could not be filled.

A hole in my heart that was central to the wound in my soul.

Although the house was decorated for Christmas, December 25, 2011 was just not the same without Zach here. How could it be? I didn’t have any gifts wrapped and ended up just putting them under the tree “as is.” As you can imagine, we had a very solemn Christmas that year.

I share this next bit of information with you NOT for sympathy, but to lead you on in my quest to find the “magic” in Christmas. As for Christmas this year, I will be spending it ALL alone. Each of our married children will be at their spouse’s family’s homes, AND…Mark is on ER call~which means I will be lucky if I get to see him at all. So, I ask you again, “where is the magic of Christmas?”

I have shed many tears since Zach’s passing. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t have thoughts of him. Tears have become my friend. I have found that tears are healing. I cry because I have so much love in my heart for my son and mostly because I miss him. My tears are in fact tears of a mother’s love.

To begin with, I decided, after Zach’s passing, to start looking around me with the aid of my very special “seeing” glasses. They assist me with the ability to see past the superficial surface and at times into some of the most precious hearts of those I have become friends with. I need to feel compassion for others. I need to take notice of people and their circumstances. In order to reach those feelings (feelings that I believe to reside in each of us), I need to pay careful attention and listen to the “spirit” of it all.

For instance, I work with a woman who not only faced a divorce many years ago, but also has been forgotten by many of her children. She lives alone and more than likely will be alone on Christmas day. By the world’s standards, she doesn’t have much. However, what she possesses is the spirit of hope and love. She always wears a smile; a smile that I know comes from deep within, despite her pain. Her motto is that “tomorrow will be even better than today.” And…she believes it with ALL her heart. She truly has that “hope for a brighter tomorrow” spirit.

Another place, I have found great healing, magic, and wonder, is with my young 3-4 year old Head Start children. As I enter the classroom to read stories to my young friends, the magic of imagination, love, and friendship simply envelope me. In fact, I am met with the loudest “WENDY!” I love to make the stories I read to them come to life. From either getting them to clap or to chanting a line, I simply enjoy seeing them immersed in the magic of whatever story I read. In fact, when I am done reading, I have 10-15 3/4-year olds dog piling me in a “group hug.” Typically, they beg me to stay and eat lunch with them. And as I leave, they rush to give me one last hug. When I see their loving-twinkly eyes, I witness something magical and feel of their sweet innocence and love.

And then…there are gingerbread houses. For Special Needs Mutual, I was asked to make gingerbread houses so that the girls can decorate them for Christmas. As of yesterday, I have made 80 of them…to be decorated next Thursday. I have had many friends say, “WHY?” Why, you ask? Because I have a good friend (Linda), who taught me, that gingerbread houses are a great tradition for Christmas; of course a home is a magical place. Some years, I only make 20, others 80. For you see, the magic happens when I am baking. I carefully roll out the dough then cut each piece with love. I gingerly (no pun intended) put the pieces on the cookie sheet and bake, repeating the process until the job is done. The magic heightens when the girls decorate their homes. Every house is decorated differently. Every house is beautiful. And, everyone leaves with a smile and a piece of the magic of Christmas that they personally created. The magic of joy and love is felt by all.

My granddaughter, Brooklynn, is mesmerizing. Her belief in Santa is enchanting. Her love for her “Elf on the Shelf,” a.k.a. Sparkle Heart, is endearing. When we put my tree up, she was right there to help put the decorations on the tree. I absolutely love seeing her eyes sparkle at the joy and wonder of it all. One can learn so much from a child, for they see with hope, wonder, and unconditional love. This particular Christmas magic is, in fact, one of the purest forms.

When Zach was with us, he brought magic to our lives each and every day. From the time I held Zach in my arms to the last time I kissed and touched him good-bye, Zach helped to create magical and marvelous memories that I will always treasure. And as in Matthew 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

I always enjoyed Zach’s excitement and zest for life. In particular, I loved how he would get excited about going to the park, learning how to golf, learning all those sweet Karate moves, making sweet music on his drums, passing the Sacrament, and even collecting Fast Offerings. I cherish our precious times of chasing, teasing, swimming, and taxiing around in the car. Recalling those wonderful memories brings me smiles, laughs, tears, and most of all a heart full of love and gratitude to have had such an incredible son who blessed our lives as he has.

Are you beginning to see? Love is truly magical. Love is the key to unlocking the magic. If we could do everything with love everyday of our lives, we would feel the magic of Christmas all year long. Love can open doors. Love can transform you. Love is magical. In truth, the magic of Christmas is found in every heart that believes in God, in every heart that celebrates the birth of our Savior, in every heart that desires to help and lift another, and in every heart that has felt the sting of pain yet chooses to follow the One who truly can heal and can lead each of us lovingly home.

Above all, at this magical time of year, Christmas time, I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who gave us the greatest gift of all, His Son, our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. Why? Because, He loves each and every one of us as it is stated in John 3:16:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Christ came into this world to redeem each of us. His birth is the most magical part of Christmas of all. He has provided the light and the way to return to live with our Father in Heaven and to be with our loved ones again. Can there be anything more magical than that?

May the magic of Christmas be found with each of you this year! I send my heart felt love and hugs to each and every one of you who have blessed my life and continue to bless my life. Merry Christmas!

"Be Still My Soul"~I love this hymn and it has become one of my favorites. I chose this particular video because you can actually hear and understand the words, as well as hearing a sweet message from Elder Worthlin.