You would be 17…

First and foremost, Happy Birthday Zach!  I still think about you each and everyday.  I also draw from my “memory bank” things you did that make me smile.  These are my happy thoughts, thoughts that warm my heart.

You had a great dislike for any and all vegetables and fruits.  We tried and tried to convince you that they tasted YUMMY!!!  One night, we bribed you to take a bite of asparagus.  You took one bite and immediately began to gag and then wretch.  That was all it took…another vegetable would never pass your lips unless it was mashed potatoes, french fries, or corn. 

I also remember hiding behind a corner on all fours and waiting for you to walk down the hall.  I would come out barking at you like a dog and would give you a pretty good scare.  It was ALWAYS funny when I did that!!  But, when you returned the prank on me, I somehow just did not find the humor, as I about jumped out of my skin!!!

Remember when you had me watch a video of one of your favorite bands “The Killers?”  You told me I might not appreciate some things in the video.  And just to validate your thoughts, I decided to be somewhat dramatic by gasping and covering my eyes.  You were watching me and trying to stifle your laugh.  You were so funny to watch as I gave my dramatic affects. 

Remember how Rachel and I were dancing away in the kitchen?  You decided to video us and put it on your FB!  You thought it was SO funny…and, for us, somewhat embarrassing.  Fortunately, that video has been archived!

I well remember how you could order your own “happy meal” at McDonalds by the time you were 4!  “Cheeseburger plain, no pickles, no onions and a chocolate shake please.”  I received many lectures from “Dad, the cardiologist” in regards as to how I was clogging your arteries at an early age.  It’s a good thing he didn’t know how you graduated from McDonalds to Wendy’s and how many “Baconators” you put away!

I well remember how you sang “Families Can Be Together Forever” at the St. George Temple when you were about 9.  You were SO incredibly excited to be the star of the show.  You sang that song in front of ALL the Little Valley Stake Youth.  You were dressed in white, and Rachel, Dad, and I were too.  Dad, Rachel, and I were standing by the temple as if we had already passed to the other side of the veil.  Once you finished singing, you came running into our arms as we lovingly embraced you, welcoming you home.  How significant that memory has become to me.  You will now be the one, who has passed to the other side of the veil, to welcome each of us home.  What a joyous and blessed day that will be!!!  I am so grateful to know that I will see you again one day.  Families are eternal, of this, I know.

Happy Birthday Zach!!!  I am glad that your sisters and nieces could be here to do our birthday balloon send-off.  Thank you for being our guardian angel.  I am grateful for those sweet and sacred moments of feeling you near.  I send you my love, hugs, and LOTS of kisses ~ Mom

"Families Can Be Together Forever"

Brooklynn & Brielle getting ready for the send-off

There they go!

Up, up, up...

Almost a dot in the sky~
Happy Birthday Zach!

The girls <3

Thank you to whoever left the beautiful flowers for Zach <3

Confessions for my Mother

Dear Mom,

Now that I am 56 years old, I thought it was time to confess a few things that you probably don’t know about me.  (OR maybe you do, as I know you had one of those surgeries that put eyes in the back of your head, and had one of those bionic ear implants that lets you hear me~even when miles away.)

When I was born, you made me feel as if I was a treasure, more precious than any jewel found on earth.  Then, you had to go and have another child, Tom.  Then, Pam.  And then, Karen.  You had all these children before I was even 5, and the attention I used to receive was officially diverted.  I am not sure, but that may be why I secretly tortured my siblings using my “first-born,” “I am in charge” card.  I suppose I should apologize to each of them, but I think they were able to learn keen survival skills that have helped them to be successful in life.  (They can thank me later!)  Back to the matter at hand…  Although the attention may have seemed to be diverted (I actually do not know HOW you chased 4 little ones under five), you found time to make me cute little dresses, shower me with lots of hugs and kisses, tried many ways to style my wild curly hair, read to me, and the list goes on and on.  I learned at that very young age, a mother’s love is infinite.  You taught me how loving your child has no bounds and how a mother can love each of her children so completely.  Thank you Mom for teaching me this great principle by your beautiful example.

Yep, that was me!

Their pride and joy...me :)

Our days in Hawaii <3

A few years later, you had another child, Scott.  And then another, Jeff.  I know how happy Tom was to have some more boys in the family.  But now SIX children, really???  I was eight when you had Scott and 10 when you had Jeff.  What did this mean for me now?  Well, I will tell you.  You taught me how to change diapers and I confess that as an 8 and 10 year old, this was NOT on my bucket list of important things to do or to learn.  But there I was, at those ages, changing poopy pants with cloth diapers nonetheless.  I was also given responsibilities (a.k.a.~chores) around the house.  I had to make my bed (e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y!), clean the bathroom, pull weeds, wash and dry the dishes, on occasion make dinner, and other to-do things on an “as needed” basis.  Mom, did you realize that was a LOT to expect from someone so young???  And then, you enforced a “white-glove” examination of my work.  The pressure was intense to be sure!  However, you taught me how working together as a family is important.  You taught me to have a “work ethic” and to take pride in my work.  You taught me that you could not accomplish everything alone, and that as a family, we could accomplish everything together.  Thank you Mom for teaching me how a family can lovingly work together.  PS~I am EVER grateful for disposable diapers and wipes; I am a boss at changing diapers now!

Because you had six children now, Dad’s military salary was such that you had to go to work to help support the family.  We were given a $25 back-to-school clothing allowance and if we wanted anything extra, we had to go out and earn the money to pay for it.  You were ever the seamstress and even made me some clothes for school.  You had extremely strict rules about what we could and “absolutely could not” wear to school.  Now, I am going to remind you that jeans were the in-thing to wear, with long hair, peace signs, and kaleidoscope color clothing.  However, this type of clothing was forbidden to wear in our home.  I had to wear dresses…e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y!!!  Frilly dresses, with lace and ruffles.  Everyday!  When the dress codes at school changed, you finally allowed me to wear “pant suits.”  Pant suits that you made…ummm…red, white, and blue double knit polyester pant suits to be exact.  While you were so excited to make these and have me wear them to school, I was dreading the humiliation I was going to be facing.  You gave me no other choice, Mom.  I had to buy some jeans with my babysitting money and hide them in my locker at school.  Lockers were wide back then and I had a pretty good wardrobe in it.  I could leave home wearing things that made you smile.  I would then get to school and change into what would make me smile.  It really was a win/win situation.  Until, of course, you discovered my secret.  You were “disappointed” in me.  That word truly is worse than a spanking or restriction could ever be.  But, you taught me to own my decisions and choices and the consequences, be it good or bad, from them.  You taught me honesty and that your personal integrity means everything.  Thank you Mom for helping to build my character.

Now, because Dad was in the military, we had to move around a LOT!  As a matter of fact, I will remind you that I ended up in THREE different high schools!!!!!  Yes, three!  And, the high school I would have to graduate from would be in Korea.  I absolutely did not want to move to Korea, but you firmly brought my siblings and me to this country.  I don’t know if there was a picture of me smiling in the first few months of us living there.  Dad was a commander of a base over there.   Shortly after we arrived in Korea,  Dad was preparing for a "base day" for the GI’s stationed there.  A young man who is of the LDS faith, and worked for Dad, asked him if the Tender Apples and New Horizons could come sing for the base day.  He agreed and also asked if they would come sing for the Officer’s prayer breakfast.  The Tender Apples were young girls in a children’s home and the New Horizons were missionaries who formed a band to accompany and sing with the TA’s.  Well, wouldn’t you know???  Mom sees one of the TA’s, her name is Ok Jin, and fell in love immediately!  Mom, you already have SIX children, you do not need one more!!!  So, after speaking with the missionaries, they invited our family to a TA family home evening.  What would be next???  You guessed it…our family began to take the missionary discussions.  And, six months later our family was baptized on December 25, 1975~yes, Christmas day.  Then, Ok Jin (Jennifer) was adopted.  Then, Kyung Moon (Becky) was adopted.  We are now at eight children and what does Mom do, she fosters two more of the TA’s.  We had TEN kids living in this 3-bedroom home with just two bathrooms (and ALL these girls)!!!  Mom, you taught me about faith.  You taught me how to build and have faith in the things not seen, but felt.  You taught me that there is always room in your heart for all your children.  You taught me that sometimes you must travel far to find what God wants you to do and what blessings He has in store for you in this life.  Thank you Mom for teaching me the things of the heart and heaven.

This one is not SO bad, but I usually
looked like I would beat you to a pulp!

Our family about 2 years after joining
our church... oh.the.styles.we.wore!

Fast-forward to March of 1996, your son, our dear brother Tom passed away.  That was a difficult time to be sure.  You handled that trial with grace, strength, courage, and faith.  On July 4th of 2000, your sweetheart, your husband, our Father passed away.  Again, that was yet another difficult time.  And again, you handled that trial with grace, strength, courage, and faith.  And yet, you went on to serve not one, but four missions.  You have made an effort to go and visit each of your children.  You willingly serve in whatever position you are called to in our church.  (Even if it means being called to the ‘Activities Chairman’, falling over a chair cart, breaking your shoulder, and having to be surgically pinned back together~you showed Humpty Dumpty how to rise again!).  And when my son Zach passed away, I knew I would be able to pass safely through my Gethsamane.  I knew my testimony of a merciful Father in Heaven and a loving Savior to succor me through this trial would anchor my faith.  I knew while my tears and sorrow would weigh me down, my faith would lift me.  I know that I will be reunited with my son one day.  How could I possibly know with a surety of all these things?  The answer is simple.  I have a mother who taught me through her example, her patience, her endless prayers for my siblings and me, and her undeniable faith in God and Jesus Christ.  I hope to one day be as awesome as my own mother!  Happy Mother’s Day Mom!  

I love you more than the stars in the sky.
Your absolute favorite child (siblings of mine, she can't help it~I was her firstborn ;) )
Wendy

We took a road trip back to Mom's roots~Carthage &
Nauvoo.  I finally got that individualized time with Mom!
Happy Mother's Day <3

AND...a song <3


Guardian Angel

Below are some beautiful messages about "Mothers"

I was feeling heavy, sharing something personal, and the gift of an incredible blessing

I realize it has been quite some time since I actually posted something worthwhile on my blog.  I decided I needed to share something personal, incredibly wonderful, that has lifted me, blessed me, and changed me.  I sometimes think we go along in life wondering if God knows “who we are,” and if we are any type of importance to Him.  I want to impart what little knowledge I have, but it is a sure knowledge that each of us is important and each of us has a divine purpose here on this Earth.  I also believe that it is up to each of us to actually turn to Him to find the peace and joy we desperately seek and need in our lives.  And if we are diligent in our seeking, we shall find.

Back in early November, I was beginning to feel down, heavy with the feelings of losing Zach, nearing a three-year mark.  Our daughter, Chelsea, was getting close to her due date on December 8^th.  I had actually purchased a ticket to go up on December 6^th and stay until the 18^th to help her out.  I had some reluctance in purchasing my ticket early, and I still puzzle over that.  We had a Stake Conference scheduled for December 13-14, and I had the strongest feeling, impression if you will, that I needed to be there.  I currently have a calling in our Stake and thought that maybe that was part of the reason.  Stake Conference vs. helping daughter and snuggling new grandbaby…should be an easy decision, right???

I received a call from Chelsea on November 10^th in the afternoon, and what she was describing were “labor pains.”  Off she went to the hospital and next thing I hear is that she is being prepped for a c-section.  Bailee was born on November 10^th.  My flight plans just changed.  Chelsea phoned and said she could “really use” my help now instead of December 6^th.  I was able to get coverage at the temple and flew up to help her and her family out.  I had so much fun chauffeuring Brooklynn to school, Chelsea to the hospital, and then Brielle and I would be off to shop for the MANY necessities for this new baby they weren’t quite prepared for yet.  Everyday, we had to go shop for something, when Brielle finally said to me, “NO MORE SHOPPING NANA!”  Ha!  She still makes me smile to think of her that day.

The good news is that even though Bailee came early, and because all of our modern medicine, she is doing well and thriving.  She is a sweet little angel fresh from heaven.  Our family has been blessed.

The other good news was that I could now attend Stake Conference.  I felt such relief being able to attend.  Even though I felt relief, I still had overwhelming feelings of grief, to the point that tears came easily almost every day.  I would soon find my relief.

I attended the Saturday evening session of conference and it was wonderful and inspiring.  But, where I found the answer to my prayers came at the Sunday session of conference.  Our Stake President had asked a wonderful sister, Amy, to share her conversion story.  She was engaging and had me captivated from the moment she began her talk.  I am attaching her talk so that you can enjoy and feel inspired from her words.

I do not want to take away from her talk, but I do want to give you a brief summary.  Amy was raised Catholic and one of 13 children.  She has been married for eighteen years, thirteen of which she has lived here in St. George.  She has three beautiful children.  She had a brother, Kris, who came to live with her and her family for what would be the last two years of his life.  He was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident.  After Kris’ death, Amy said she “despised” church and did not want to have anything to do with church.  A wonderful family came into her life that happen to be of our faith, Latter-Day Saints. 

Amy had been taking the missionary lessons, but had not had that moment of, “ok, I want to be baptized!”  She wanted to do this for herself and not for anyone else.   She actually told the missionaries that when she was ready she would let them know.

This is where Zach comes into the picture.  She then related how, about three years ago, her daughter came home and wanted to go to the funeral of a little boy that was in her class.  I was thinking, “That’s sad, as Zach died three years ago.”  Then she said, “I think his name was Zachary…Pulsipher.”  I literally gasped and the tears began to stream…tears of joy. 

Amy’s initial reaction was to say "no" to going to the funeral because of the bad experience she had when her brother passed away.  But something inside her told her she should come.  She indicated where she sat in the chapel and how, for two hours, she cried as she listened to the mother, father, and each of Zach’s siblings speak about him.  But, the tears she was crying were happy tears.  As you can well imagine, I was crying “happy tears” too.  She then went on to say, “When I was sitting in this building, for that little boy, I knew that it wasn’t the end.  And, I knew that I wanted to be a part of that.  Because, I was going to see my brother again.”  She said she thanked that little boy for being her missionary on the other side of the veil.

Remember when I said I was feeling so much pain from grief?  Remember how I wasn’t even supposed to be at Stake Conference?  I am here to share with you that I was supposed to be at Stake Conference.  Amy’s conversion story was balm to my soul.  When she shared how for three years Zach has been with her and especially the month prior to her giving her talk, I knew Zach wanted me to know what he is doing now.  Through Amy, we received a mini-mission report from Zach.  Thank you Amy for letting the Spirit guide you and for listening to Zach.  And, as a side note, Zach did in fact love being the center of attention~oh, how that warmed my heart when Amy said that.

This truly was the greatest Christmas gift we could ever hope to receive.  I have so much gratitude for the tender mercies that have been poured out for Mark, my family, and me.  Who knew, three years down the road, that we would receive the sweetest message?  The Lord did, that’s who.

Amy's talk

Choose the video of the woman in the red dress :) (AmyCHE)

I Am His Daughter

The Miracle

Mountains to Climb

The Spending, the Gifts, the Decorating… and, for what???

In October of 2011, Zach wanted a new bike and a new iPod touch…for Christmas.  He begged and begged Mark to let him have those gifts early.  Mark has a soft spot for ALL our children and couldn’t resist letting Zach have those gifts early.   Zach’s smile was worth the world when he was able to squeeze his Dad for what he wanted.

Zach proudly rode his new bike everyday.  I would see him riding that bike everywhere out our back window.  I even saw him riding off of some of the empty lot’s cliffs.  He was grinning ear to ear and I was saying silent prayers that he wouldn’t get hurt.  With the sun in his face and the wind at his back, he was a boy having an adventure.  His adventure was discovering what he could do on his bike and where it could take him. 

Zach’s Christmas was in October.  We are so glad we let him have those simple gifts.  As within a few months, his Christmas would be spent with our Savior and ours would be spent mourning his passing. 

How different this time of year has become for us.  I suppose our souls have become a little more in tune with the “reason we celebrate the season.”  We yearn to lift and help someone who is less fortunate.  We long to serve those who are alone or downtrodden.  We most certainly want to extend our hands in love to those who have suffered the loss of a loved one~we understand this deep sense of loss.

As I observe the goings-on this Christmas time of year, I have found:

• ·      Parents and Grandparents trying to provide the one gift that will bring joy to their child/grandchild
• ·      Friends baking delicious treats to give to those they love
• ·      Happy faces (and some crying ones) when people go to visit Santa at the mall
• ·      Beautiful Christmas cards with pictures of their happy families
• ·      Phone calls letting people know you are thinking of them
• ·      Homes decorated with lights, Christmas trees, and some even with yard art
• ·      Beautiful Creche exhibits that remind us “why” we even celebrate this time of year
• ·      Our beautiful temples lighting the way to help bring a deeper understanding of why we believe that families are eternal

At this time of year, it would be easy to have a “bah-humbug” attitude.  It would be easy to say, “Why decorate?”  It would be SO easy to avoid the shopping mayhem.  It would be easy to forget that there are many who are suffering.  It would be easy to become consumed with personal grief.  But, those are all choices that would only lead me down a path of doom and gloom.  Those choices would not bring me happiness nor any amount of joy.

What it boils down to is this: the choice is simply mine.  I choose to spend money on things my children and grandchildren may not need, but would bring them joy.  In turn, this makes my heart swell.  I choose to decorate.  I suppose I decorate now to simply honor this Christmas season.  I also remember how much Zach enjoyed putting each and every ornament on the tree.  It brought him great joy to help decorate.  This also makes my heart swell.

I choose to give thanks to my Father in Heaven who lovingly gave His Son, our Redeemer that we may have the opportunity to return and live with Him, His Son, and our families, eternally, again one day.  Our Savior is our own personal Gift from God.  I am ever grateful that through my trials, I may turn to Him and He can calm and lift my weary heart. 

At this Christmas season, I invite you to share what is good, wonderful, and right in your life.  The world and media would like for us to focus on the opposite.  However, be the answer to someone’s prayer.  Be the quiet miracle who gave without recognition.  Be the smile to an over worked cashier.  Be gentle.  Be kind.  And most of all, be loving.  These are but a few of the qualities and character attributes the Savior exemplified.  I want to be better, to improve, but I need to make better choices in order to accomplish a more Christ-like attitude and life.  I want Zach to be happy and proud of my good decisions.  I want him to say, “Way to go Mom!”

Here is a link to a talk Elder Uchtdorf gave at the April 2014 General Conference:

"Grateful in Any Circumstances"

And...as always...I have to give you a song <3

Gone, but not forgotten <3