Have you ever wondered if God really knows who you are?

I have.

Since Zach’s passing I have had moments where I have truly wondered if God really knows who I am.  And during those moments I find myself asking, “Heavenly Father, do You really know who I am?”

For those particular moments of sincere questioning, an answer has always come.  My answers have come in many ways and most of them are unexpected, yet tailored just for me.  And through those unforeseen answers, I feel His loving words, “oh my dear daughter, I know who you are and I love you.”  And almost every time, I also feel Him tell me “you already know this.”

I can feel His love through my beautiful family.  When I look into their eyes and feel of their unconditional love for me, I somehow know that my Father in Heaven loves me.  There is something “heavenly” about a family’s love.  Whether through phone calls, face time, texts, or actual visits, hugs, and even kisses, I believe those are the precious moments that not only keep us close as a family, but also keep us close to God.  The love I have for my family offers me a glimpse of the love that my Father in Heaven has for even me.

I can feel His love through incredible friends.  Let me just say that on one or more occasion (mostly more), my dear friends have blessed my life.  My friends just seem to know when I need a Diet Coke, yummy chocolate cake, a new emoji app, a text, or a phone call.  In a world where everyone is so incredibly busy, that simple act of what I label as “service” let’s me know I am loved.  It reminds me of the scripture from Mosiah 2:17:  “And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.”

Through gratitude, I can truly feel of my Father in Heaven’s love for me.  Why gratitude you ask?  Let me just begin by saying that my sweet mother taught me gratitude at a VERY young age.  For every gift or help I may have received, I had to write “Thank You” notes.  That tutoring has continued on to my children.  After Zach’s funeral, I wrote nearly 130 thank you notes.  People didn’t expect it, but with all the charitable acts that were sweetly given to us, how could I not?!  Writing those thank you notes was therapeutic.  At a time when I was emotionally devastated, those thank you notes helped me to feel of God’s love for me.  Through those thank you notes came the realization of ALL that was done for my family and me.  I thought of the scripture in Ephesians 1:16 “Cease not to give thanks…”  Gratitude in everything we have, do, or receive is essential in keeping us grounded in knowing and appreciating God’s love for us.

Yesterday morning I opened our patio doors to enjoy the cool air just after it had finished raining.  I observed some of the low lying clouds hanging over the bluffs, the grass seemed a little greener, a few rays of the sun were trying to peek out between the clouds, the fresh smell that comes from rain, and then the words to a Primary song came to mind.

“I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain

And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.

I want to be the best I can and live with God again.”

I want to be the BEST I can to live with God again.  I have a deep love for my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ.  For with that particular love, I begin to understand, feel, and know of how They reciprocate Their love for me.  Unconditional love.  A parent’s love for their children is steadfast and unconditional.  And so it is with our Father in Heaven~He is steadfast in His love for each of us.

I Am His Daughter

1 next to 8 looks a lot like 18

When you put 1 next to 8, it looks a lot like 18.  Yes Zach, you would be 18.  As I have been uploading the pictures of your life, I have had so many memories flood my mind.  Memories of the day you were born.  Those memories of your little boy antics brought me smiles, tears, and sometimes frustrations.   But most of all, I feel as if I am staring at a piece of my heart.  The piece that seems to hold my deepest motherly love for you, and wrap me in those precious moments in time that leaves me with a longing to see you and simply hug you.

That angelic face

Always trying to be funny

Chillaxing in the recliner

When I look through the pictures of your short but sweet life, I marvel at how each one holds a story.  Each one holds a treasured memory.  And with all those memories of days gone by, I find myself pondering the many different things you would be doing if you were here.  Dating.  Graduating from high school.  Preparing for a mission.  Attending college (most certainly the University of Utah as you promised Dad you would go there!).  Marriage.  The list could go on and on, just as I have seen each of your siblings succeed in their progression of this life.

He actually gave the surprise away - ha!

He was so excited for my 50th surprise birthday party

 Many of your friends sent me graduation announcements.  I decided to be brave and attend graduation.  For whatever reason, I sat in this one particular section, in the row “P.”  I saved three seats, one for Dad, me, and you.  I happened to be sitting in the section by the stairs where the graduates would walk past me.  I saw so many of your friends.  I called their names and waved like a crazy lady.  Many of them yelled, “I love you Wendy Pulsipher!”  Oh how they made me smile.  I am happy for their success and feel so blessed that they would include me in their special day.  At moments when I felt as if a tear might slip, I felt you sitting next to me.  I felt you smiling and happy to see your friend’s successes.  I also felt as if you put your hand on top of mine, letting me know “all is well.”

Receiving his Arrow of Light~my friend Tanya got the headdress

Dropping Rachel off at college

18.  You would be 18.  With all the pondering of  “who you’d be today,” I find myself comforted in knowing how happy you are.  I truly find myself having the desire and need to make you proud of me.  Am I steadfast in my faith?  Am I serving with all my heart, might, mind, and strength?  Am I trying to help others who have faced the same type of trial in losing someone they love?  Am I being the kind of mother that makes you say, “Yo, that’s MY Mom!”?  I am NOT perfect, but as you, my angel son, watch over me, I pray that I am “making you proud!”  

Hiking Observation Point just a few months before his passing

Such a cute young man

He just had to wear these glasses that weren't his

Thank you for so richly blessing my life.  Thank you for visiting me in my dreams.  Thank you for being near and for those rare treasured moments when I feel you squeeze my hand or give me a hug.  Those really are the simple things in life that bring my heart comfort and most certainly peace.

My people @ Chelsea's graduation

I am working on your birthday flowers for the headstone.  I found “royal blue” floral pieces this year, your favorite color.  Dad and I will be sending you your special balloon bouquet with our messages of love attached.  Happy Birthday Zach. 

With My Forever Love,
 Mom

                                                       Who You'd Be Today

                                                                         Enough

Graduation… I want to go, but can only imagine…

This is the year!  Zach would be graduating from high school, and OH.HOW.I.WANT.TO.BE.THERE!!!!  I imagine waking up early and making his favorite breakfast.  I imagine pressing his shirt and pants.  I imagine him wearing his favorite tie (the one from Aaron and Katie’s wedding~the one we buried him with…).  I imagine him giving me a hug before he leaves and giving me his big beautiful smile.  I imagine him hopping into his car, and then watch him drive off down the street.  I imagine getting ready and making sure that I have my camera to capture every moment.  I imagine getting to the auditorium early so that I can have the BEST seat in the house!  I imagine standing as the 2016 class, with whom Zach would be graduating, files in.  I imagine carefully watching to see where he is in the processional line.  I imagine finding him, tears coming, and being completely filled with this incredible joy. 

And then, I imagine them reading his name “Zachary Pulsipher.”  I imagine I am snapping pictures like crazy, and crying, and trying to focus and savor this beautiful moment in time.  Zach was my baby.  This would have been the natural order of things. 

However, Zach graduated four years ago.  His graduation was FAR different than the one I ever imagined.  And yet, I have somehow found some peace and LOTS of comfort. 

And now, I imagine Zach in the arms of our Savior.  I imagine Zach teaching people the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I imagine that big beautiful smile and his fun engaging personality drawing people to hear what he has been commissioned to teach.  I imagine him with my Dad, my brother Tom, and Mark’s mother.  I imagine the angelic work he is going about and doing.  I imagine him close by and hugging me, especially when an unexpected tear slips out and rolls gently down my face. 

I am glad my imagination can look at both sides of the veil.  I am ever grateful that my understanding of the Plan of Salvation helps me to imagine what life is like for Zach now and what work he is, in fact, going about and doing.  I more than imagine, but know, Zach is happy where he is. 

A quote that I quite like:
"The imagination is a pallete of bright colors.  You can use it to touch up memories ~ or you can use it to paint dreams."  ~Robert Brault

So, on May 24th, 2016, I secretly imagine sitting in the audience.  I secretly imagine standing as all those wonderful students, Zach went to school with, come filing in.  I secretly imagine them reading Zach's name and remembering a friend who is no longer with them.  I secretly smile and secretly shed a tear (or two). 

I can only imagine….

Graduation from Pre-school...  oh, how this makes me smile!

I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe <3

Good Grief!!!

Is there such a thing as ‘Good’ ‘Grief?’  I am sure many could debate this particular topic, but let me share why I think there is good in grief, or perhaps that good can come from grief.

Having experienced the depths of grief from the loss of our son Zach, I need to clarify that I in no way consider myself an ‘expert’ on grief.  With that said, my personal experiences with grief have tutored me and have helped me to find the ‘good,’ and have enabled me to “press forward” with that "perfect brightness of hope."(2 Nephi 31:20)  Maybe this ‘good’ part just happens to be where my faith comes in.

There truly is ‘good’ in mourning the loss of a loved one.  Quite simply, we love those we have lost.  And for me, I believe that the grieving process has helped with the healing of my soul.  I have also learned that I cannot let grief control or consume me.  Did you even know that ‘grief’ could do this???  Grief is a powerful emotion and we must possess the fortitude and the discipline to maintain control of it, and to eventually overcome it.  

You may ask “how” do I gain control of it?  How do I get in front of it?  How do I not let it pull me in to the depths of despair?   The answer for me has been simple, and yet involves an incredible amount of effort coupled with an unwavering faith.  I have had many profound moments that have awakened my soul and strengthened my faith along this journey through grief.  I am grateful that my faith and especially that my loving Savior has succored me as well as guided me through those difficult days and time.

Directly after Zach’s passing, I had many tell me various negative things that will, in a nutshell, destroy my faith, my family, and even me.  These "words of advice," or "words of comfort" shocked me.  Those very words, I suppose, shocked me into action.  After fervent prayer (okay... INFINITE fervent prayers), I knew, with the help of my Savior and my Father in Heaven, my faith would not dwindle.  I confidently "pressed forward" to ensure that the death of our son Zach would in no way shatter my family or crush me.  I also made the conscientious choice to never allow the arms of despair to wrap around me.  I knew if I let despair in that I would be giving up my hope.  For, despair is the antithesis of hope.

Through this trial and journey, I knew I needed and I wanted to be able to turn to our Savior.  He is the One who helps me to maintain control of grief.  He has helped me to stay an inch, a step, and even miles in front of it.  The Savior has my complete trust; and my heart and dedication belong to Him.  Because of this, He saves me from ever being caught in the grasps of despair.

Maybe my faith is just too simple.  Even so, our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ are at the helm of my ship.  Does my ship ever hit a storm, or two, or three??  Well, I am human.  I am just a mere mortal trying to find my way home.  When I have a twenty-foot swell coming at me, or a wave that rocks my boat, I drop to my knees and pray.  I read and ponder the scriptures.  I also try to find ways to serve.  (I could actually give you a SUPER long list of the things I do…but, I think you get the gest of it!). 

Do these things always solve the problem?  …not necessarily.  However, doing those very things is essential in helping us weather any storm.  They are essential in helping to buoy our faith.  They are the very things that can deliver comfort and eventually peace.  They are the firm and sure foundation we can stand on~the rock that never will crumble.

And, when the storm has calmed, the sea has smoothed, and I see the beautiful sunrise in the horizon, I believe I catch a glimpse of heavenly peace.  For me, that is the place where our Father in Heaven, our Savior Jesus Christ, and my Zach dwell. 

So, the questions still stand.  Can grief be good?  Can good come from our grief?  I suppose the only one who can answer that question is you.

Some Where Over the Rainbow...

 

I see Zach much like this in my dreams~forever in my heart <3

No One Should Have To… BUT…

Today marks the 4^th anniversary since Zach’s passing.  Where has the time gone???!!!! 

I well remember the day like it was yesterday~obviously, it is a day I will remember for the duration of my mortal life.  As I have been pondering the events of that day and time, I recall many telling me “no one should have to lose a child,” or “no one should have to bury their child.”  I had some letters written to me from people, I do not know, telling me I need to be mad at God or mad when people tell me Zach is in a “better place.” 

The interesting thing about that time in my life is that I found myself in a much different place~sorting through grief, lifting my husband sorting through his grief, lifting my children sorting through their grief, lifting Zach’s friends, and eventually turning it all over to God.  He is, after all, in charge, you know?! 

I prayed with an intensity I never had before.  I read the scriptures.  I attended the temple.  I attended all my church meetings.  I served with all my heart, might, mind, and strength.  (P.S.~ALL of which, I continue to do today).  And by making all those things a part of my daily life coupled with looking to my Savior and my loving Father in Heaven, my life has been deeply blessed.  I have been able to feel my Savior succor me, lift me, and simply love me through this time.

We live in a world where people are forgetting God and forgetting our Savior.  And with that, there is turmoil, confusion, contention, dishonesty, and the list goes on.  We are becoming a very divided country.  How do we get back to “one nation under God?”  I simply think we need to look to Him in every aspect of our lives.  Trials will always be a part of our mortal lives; there is just no way of getting around it.  Instead of bitterness, look for what we can learn.  Instead of turning into ourselves, look for how we can give.  Instead of turning away from God, look to Him with gratitude for giving you your life, and for those precious feelings of being able to love.  When I think about how much I dearly love my family, I feel as if I have been afforded a mere “glimpse” of how much our Father in Heaven and Savior love me.

This beautiful Christmas Season, choose to take your time and not be in a rush.  Especially, choose to be kind.   Choose to find forgiveness in your hearts for those who may have hurt you.  This will personally bring you the much-needed peace in your life.  Choose to find the joy in Christmas.  Each of us has been given the greatest gift of all, our Savior.  His life, His love, His atoning sacrifice are blessings eternal.  Yes, with all the “No one should have to’s,” each of us can choose to turn our hearts to Him.  It is Him, who can help to conquer anything. 

P.S.  A few months ago, I attended a funeral for a sweet little girl who passed away at the age of five.  The funeral was absolutely beautiful and an incredible tribute to this little angel.  A song that was written and sung by Lyndsi Houskeeper, at the funeral, touched me and I wanted to share it with you.  It is titled, “A Moment.” 

Zach~you are missed each and everyday and will be until we see you again.  I love you and miss everything that was “freaking awesome” to you.  Love~Mom

Make sure to put your cursor over the link so you can hear this beautiful song below:

A Moment by Lyndsi Housekeeper