First Entry--the heart can really heal

Years ago when Facebook was the rage, my children felt I needed to become a part of the "Facebook" world. With their encouragement, I joined Facebook. Facebook has allowed me to reconnect with friends that I knew back in high school and to connect with my young friends (those being friends of my children). Since I have mastered my FB skills, my children have now encouraged me to begin a blog! But REALLY??? Who wants to read about the life of an old woman? I suppose they do…so, I write this just for them. If you, my friends, begin to read this—I hope you enjoy the ride!

My family probably could be described as your typical American family. Each of my children has been very successful scholastically. Chelsea graduated with her Masters in Speech Pathology. Aaron is in medical school at the University of Pennsylvania. Rachel is in nursing school at Brigham Young University. And Zach, he was always on the high honor roll at school. We are also typical in that my children would argue—whether it be with each other or with me. I just want to clarify that while we are a typical family, we are by no means perfect! However, we are all on a journey. And currently, the journey I am on will hopefully lead me to that blissful place of peace and happiness.

Of course, my most recent journey has turned into a rollercoaster ride—and hopefully I will be able to “find the peace” at the end. The ride began on December 11, 2011, when my son, Zach, passed away. It was 5pm when we discovered he had left this mortal existence—with my world, my husband’s world, and my family’s world being turned inside out.

I cannot even begin to describe the sorrow I have had from the loss of this incredible young man. But even sunshine can spread its warmth and rays through even the darkest clouds and rain. And at special times, the brightest rainbow, full of color, has also helped to lead my heart to the place I seek—peace.

Preparing a funeral for my son was certainly not on any of my “bucket” lists. Nevertheless, I had a responsibility, a mission if you will, to accomplish this overwhelming task. I also knew I could not do it alone. I first sought the guidance and help of my Heavenly Father. I knew that He would be instrumental in helping me to prepare the service. I also sought strength. I knew that I was going to be faced with lifting my husband, my children, and ALL of his classmates—I needed the strength of 10,000 men and the faith of the 2,000 Strippling Warriors. After much weeping and fervently praying on the morning of December 13^th, I remember standing up—taking a deep breath—then saying, “I can do this.” And so, I did.

It never crossed my mind, as a parent, that I would be picking out a casket for my son, a gravestone, organizing his funeral service, or even finding the clothes that we would be burying him in, but there I was preparing every needful thing—to give him the perfect day—the perfect tribute of his sweet life.

Thursday night was Zach’s viewing and it was to commence at 6pm and end by 8pm. I truly felt that Zach gave me a mission that night to try and help each of his friends to smile—as he told me how he wanted “me” to remember him. Thus, I knew he wanted his classmates to remember him the same way. As I spoke to the many young people who came through, I told them a story about Zach and how he wanted them to remember him. Many were able to laugh through their tears. I was even able to ask them, “doesn’t it feel better to smile and laugh?” Most agreed. There were so many who came to pay respects that night—I am so grateful for each and everyone who did—we even had friends and family fly in from ALL over the U.S. I think we saw the last person at around 9:30. Then, we had to collect all of Zach’s memorabilia and head home to finish preparing our talks/tributes to Zach.

The next day, the day of his funeral, we had another short viewing prior to, and then it was time for our family to publicly express our love for Zach. My mother, Rachel, Aaron, Chelsea, me, and then Mark, all spoke at Zach’s funeral. Rachel, Chelsea, and I sang “We Can Be Together Forever” by Michael McClean. I believe it was healing for each of us to have the opportunity to share sweet stories about Zach and to be able to share of our love for him. I believe I was able to find a little bit of peace that day.

Obviously, there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Zach. I believe I will miss him for the rest of my life and that is all right—as he was our life!

Last but not least, one thing I am trying to do is to find something to be grateful for everyday—and finding MORE than one thing is even better-ha! Since this is a reflection of the past two months, I am grateful for the MANY women who brought us food, helped with Brooklynn, called, visited, and even brought inspiring books for us to read. The outpouring of love and help was not only overwhelming but also inspiring. I am forever grateful for these sweet ladies who sacrificed so much of their time in order to help our family in our greatest time of need.

Whelp…that’s a blog wrap!