Thursday, November 9, 2017

If I Can Find My Smile…

Since Zach’s passing nearly six years ago, I have found myself working on finding my smile.  How can I smile?  Why smile?  What’s behind a smile?  And, how can my smile help someone who may need “just a smile?”

After the many bleak days and long nights following Zach’s passing, how could I smile?  There were so many reasons NOT to smile.  And, the thought that was foremost on my mind and in my heart was that I would not properly be grieving Zach’s loss… if I did, in fact, smile.   As I began sorting through his room just days after his passing, I found myself holding his Karate clothes and weapons and recalled Zach shouting his Karate grunts.  I then visualized Coach Reis getting Zach to yell SO loud.  When Zach would yell, Coach Reis would get so tickled.  That memory brought on a big smile combined with a few nostalgic tears.  As I recovered his drumsticks, his favorite shirt, his golf clubs… basically I found numerous beautiful memories, pieces of him and his life that not only made me miss him, but also helped me to smile at those sweet memories.   I often wonder if Zach was sitting right by me saying, “remember this…  remember when…  just remember.”  When I go to those sweet moments in time, it is impossible NOT to smile.

 

 

I confess, those first few months, I would often think why would I even want to smile.  I lost my son in a tragic and traumatic way, why should I smile?  Those thoughts right there are what lead many people down a dark, unforgiving, and hopeless road.  The religious part of me also recognizes that that particular road is one the adversary not only wants me on, but also anyone he can trap in his snare.  Do I really want to let him have that much power over me?  Over my life?  Simple answer~NO! 

Whatever journey we may be on, we need to find joy.  For me, attending the temple has been my lifeline for “why” I want to smile and where I find joy.  I can walk through those doors with the heaviest of heart and literally feel the Savior gather my woes and tell me, “Go to work and be happy.”  Miraculously, I could every time.  In the temple, I am surrounded by angels.  These angels may seem as ordinary as you and me, but they are extraordinary human beings.  Their smiles come from the depths of their souls infusing them with love and compassion for everyone.  They smile.  They are happy.  It is a very special light they carry, the kind of light I would like to acquire and share.  Their smiles are genuine, warm, and most of all contagious. 

In a dream of sorts, Zach came to me.  He told me to remember him the way he was from a silly video he made before he died.  After watching that video, I just smiled.  I well remember at his viewing when SO many of his friends came through the line…heartbroken and sobbing.  I told them the story about this particular video and they would smile and laugh.  I also remember asking them, “doesn’t it feel better to smile and laugh a little?  Zach would want it that way.”  Sister Hinckley said, “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.  You either have to laugh or cry.  I prefer to laugh.  Crying gives me a headache.”  There really is no truer statement!

  This is the video of how Zach wanted me (and all his friends) to remember him 

                                               
What’s behind a smile? And, how can my smile possibly help someone?  As I listen to various friends share their life’s journey, I have come to understand that oft times their smile is sometimes masking their pain.  I have come to appreciate and admire their choice to smile.  When they get ready for the day, their smile is part of their dress routine.  They pick out their outfit and put on their smile.  They say their prayers and put on their smile.  They do not want to leave home without their smile.  Their choice not only blesses them, but also others whom they may come in contact with.  I truly believe a smile helps to open gates and tear down walls.  It becomes a bridge that can help connect and bless human beings with one another. 


A quote I found most helpful (with no author listed), “Be the reason someone smiles today.”  I am grateful for my life and the many journeys I have experienced.  I am grateful for when the Holy Ghost tutors me and comforts me.  I am grateful for eternal families, and in particular, for my eternal family.  I also have a deep love and appreciation for our Savior Jesus Christ.  He has lifted me, blessed me, and helps to give me a reason to smile everyday.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father whose guiding hand is felt every day of my life.  With ALL these wonderful blessings, I have a heart full of gratitude and I can most certainly find my smile.

Sharing some contagious smiles with each of you


 

 

 

 

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

….”still I see you Celestial”

Another year older, another year is gone, and another year of missing you.  Celebrating your birthday without you here is simply not the same!  Being that it’s your birthday today, I love to reflect about ALL the things you did that brought me joy during your short yet sweet life.

First and foremost, you were a beautiful human being.  I loved your deep blue eyes with those dark eyelashes.  Your skin…you had the most beautiful skin and would get the darkest tan!  Hence, your nickname was the “tan man.”  I remember someone asking your name once and you told him or her, “It’s the tan man!”

There was this one time when we had a huge ice storm in North Carolina.  Dad thought it would be a good idea to borrow the Jarvis’ chain saw to cut down all the dead branches.  He then thought it might be a good idea to cut down some trees.  You always thought the sun rose and set with your Dad, so you had to be right out there when he was doing his “man thing.”  He made you stand back by another tree, maybe 15-20 feet away, while he cut down this tree.  Well, that tree hit another dead tree that managed to fall right where you were standing and whack you on the head.  It was like watching a big tree taking a seedling out!  Dad grabbed you and brought you in with a deep head laceration.  We hurried to the urgent care center where they had to do 2 layers of stitches, administer antibiotics because of the deep wound, and watch you for a mild concussion.  I told Dad he needs to stick to fixing hearts and that we hire people to cut down our dead trees! 

This was such a traumatic event for Zach.  So much so, that he wrote a story about it for a school project.  And, his teacher had it bound into a book.  It truly is a keepsake that brings a smile and a little bit of a wince at the memory.  I hope you enjoy sharing this memory with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Leaving you with some Coldplay words from their song “Everglow:”
(Click highlighted link below to watch video)

“Oh they say people come, they say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still I see you, Celestial…

“…I know that you are with me, and the way you will show
and you’re with me wherever I go
and you give me this feeling this everglow

“so if you love someone, you should let them know
oh the light that you left me will everglow”

Happy Birthday Zach!!!  Thank you for lighting up our lives with your laughter and love.  You continue to be missed each and every day!!! 

With lots of love and hugs~ Mom



Royal Blue Birthday Flowers
The girls helping Papa


Posing with full-on sun 

We have a VERY special angel who leaves Zach drumsticks often
We know who you are, and we love you!

Our Happy Birthday Song



Our Annual Balloon Send-Off







Sunday, April 23, 2017

The Heart of a Marathon Runner from a Spectators Eyes

The Heart of a Marathon Runner is unique, focused, and driven.  What drives these runners?  What sparked their desire to (what I would choose to call torment) run 26.2 miles?  I know for one runner, Mark, that it is the opportunity to “run with our angel.”  The hours, the fatigue, the miles, and the injuries, is it really worth it?  For Mark, it is a resounding “Yes!”  Hence, he wants to run the Boston Marathon… again!

I have attended every marathon Mark has run.  And every time, I shed tears as he crosses that finish line.  The Boston Marathon was no different last week.  This particular marathon, I went with my eyes and heart wide open.  I was searching to find those “moments” that would speak to my heart.  I found them.

As I watched the first of the Men’s Wheelchair speed by, I could not help but notice the drive he possessed to cross the finish line.  It was touching.  Then the first of the Women’s Wheelchair sped by, her focus and skill were inspiring.  As each of the wheelchair marathoner’s sped to the finish, the crowds cheered, clapped, and even rang their cowbells to honor and praise their accomplishments.  Being a spectator at that moment was incredible.

As the Elite runners came in, the crowds again roared with cheers, clapping, and those awesome cowbells. (Yes, I possess many of them!)  They were inspiring as they ran effortlessly; it seemed, across that finish line.

There are a few incidents that really touched me, and I want to share them.  First, there were many marathoners who passed by who were struggling from leg cramps, physical illness (vomiting/diahrrea~I could never run for fear that that would be me), passing out, or legs giving out on them.

At this point in the race, these runners were only 1 ½ blocks from the finish line.  Their medal was in sight and nothing was going to keep them from crossing.  As these particular runners passed by, the spectators erupted in cheering as if we were willing them and giving them the energy to keep going.  The runners with leg cramps found it within themselves to keep going and literally gimped along until they either crossed or collapsed over the finish line.  They had their goal in mind and they accomplished it.



There were military men and women dressed in their fatigues and boots running the race.  Every American cheered wildly for them.  There was the veteran amputee running who was carrying the American Flag the entire 26.2 miles.  He was inspirational and brought the Marathon crowds to cheering at a new record decibel level. 


Then there was the moment when a man literally fell in front of me.  He simply could not get his legs to keep him standing.  Each of us spectators that were standing in front of him and watching began to yell words of encouragement~offering what we possibly could verbally to help him.  It really was to no avail.  EMT’s came up to him and offered to give him a hand to help him up.  He took their hands, but he simply was unable to remain standing.  He only had 1 ½ blocks to go.  He turned to the oncoming runners, and as a beggar, he put out his hand and quietly mouthed, “Help me.”  There were many runners who passed by him.  And then, two men stopped.  They got on either side of this man and each took one of his arms and put them around their necks.  Those runners sacrificed their marathon time in order to help this man.  They lifted him and carried him across the finish line.

I began to ponder that moment.  We all need to get to that finish line.  Many of us face different trials in life.  We need to keep perspective and the drive to make our way through them.  And occasionally, there are those good Samaritans who stop and offer assistance through whatever ways they can.  A thought came to me that I need to do more sacrificing in order to help and lift others.  I simply need to be more Christ-like.


Of course, the climax was to see Mark coming toward me on the street.  I could see he was running on empty, but pushing through to the end.  He had the same goal every other runner had and that was to “cross that finish line!”  And, he did.  Because, #herunswithourangel.