WHERE and HOW can I possibly find the magic in Christmas???

I ask you “where” is the magic in Christmas? …and, “how” can I find it????  Two years ago, two weeks before Christmas, our adorable son Zach passed away.  For me, Christmas has always been full of joy, magic, and love.  But, on December 11, 2011, the magic seemed to disappear when Zach left this mortal existence. 

I felt as if:

I had been sucker punched in the stomach.

The wind was completely taken out of my sails.

The candles flickered and then blew out.

I had an emptiness that could not be filled.

A hole in my heart that was central to the wound in my soul.

Although the house was decorated for Christmas, December 25, 2011 was just not the same without Zach here.  How could it be?  I didn’t have any gifts wrapped and ended up just putting them under the tree “as is.”  As you can imagine, we had a very solemn Christmas that year. 

I share this next bit of information with you NOT for sympathy, but to lead you on in my quest to find the “magic” in Christmas.  As for Christmas this year, I will be spending it ALL alone.  Each of our married children will be at their spouse’s family’s homes, AND…Mark is on ER call~which means I will be lucky if I get to see him at all.  So, I ask you again, “where is the magic of Christmas?”

I have shed many tears since Zach’s passing.  There is not a day that goes by when I don’t have thoughts of him.  Tears have become my friend.  I have found that tears are healing.  I cry because I have so much love in my heart for my son and mostly because I miss him.  My tears are in fact tears of a mother’s love.

To begin with, I decided, after Zach’s passing, to start looking around me with the aid of my very special “seeing” glasses.  They assist me with the ability to see past the superficial surface and at times into some of the most precious hearts of those I have become friends with.  I need to feel compassion for others.  I need to take notice of people and their circumstances.  In order to reach those feelings (feelings that I believe to reside in each of us), I need to pay careful attention and listen to the “spirit” of it all.  

For instance, I work with a woman who not only faced a divorce many years ago, but also has been forgotten by many of her children.  She lives alone and more than likely will be alone on Christmas day.  By the world’s standards, she doesn’t have much.  However, what she possesses is the spirit of hope and love.  She always wears a smile; a smile that I know comes from deep within, despite her pain.  Her motto is that “tomorrow will be even better than today.”  And…she believes it with ALL her heart.  She truly has that “hope for a brighter tomorrow” spirit. 

Another place, I have found great healing, magic, and wonder, is with my young 3-4 year old Head Start children.  As I enter the classroom to read stories to my young friends, the magic of imagination, love, and friendship simply envelope me.  In fact, I am met with the loudest “WENDY!”  I love to make the stories I read to them come to life.  From either getting them to clap or to chanting a line, I simply enjoy seeing them immersed in the magic of whatever story I read.  In fact, when I am done reading, I have 10-15 3/4-year olds dog piling me in a “group hug.”  Typically, they beg me to stay and eat lunch with them.   And as I leave, they rush to give me one last hug.  When I see their loving-twinkly eyes, I witness something magical and feel of their sweet innocence and love.

And then…there are gingerbread houses.  For Special Needs Mutual, I was asked to make gingerbread houses so that the girls can decorate them for Christmas.  As of yesterday, I have made 80 of them…to be decorated next Thursday.  I have had many friends say, “WHY?”  Why, you ask?  Because I have a good friend (Linda), who taught me, that gingerbread houses are a great tradition for Christmas; of course a home is a magical place.  Some years, I only make 20, others 80.  For you see, the magic happens when I am baking.  I carefully roll out the dough then cut each piece with love.  I gingerly (no pun intended) put the pieces on the cookie sheet and bake, repeating the process until the job is done.  The magic heightens when the girls decorate their homes.  Every house is decorated differently.  Every house is beautiful.  And, everyone leaves with a smile and a piece of the magic of Christmas that they personally created.  The magic of joy and love is felt by all.

My granddaughter, Brooklynn, is mesmerizing.  Her belief in Santa is enchanting.  Her love for her “Elf on the Shelf,” a.k.a. Sparkle Heart, is endearing.   When we put my tree up, she was right there to help put the decorations on the tree.  I absolutely love seeing her eyes sparkle at the joy and wonder of it all.  One can learn so much from a child, for they see with hope, wonder, and unconditional love.  This particular Christmas magic is, in fact, one of the purest forms.

When Zach was with us, he brought magic to our lives each and every day.  From the time I held Zach in my arms to the last time I kissed and touched him good-bye, Zach helped to create magical and marvelous memories that I will always treasure.  And as in Matthew 6:21, “For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

I always enjoyed Zach’s excitement and zest for life.  In particular, I loved how he would get excited about going to the park, learning how to golf, learning all those sweet Karate moves, making sweet music on his drums, passing the Sacrament, and even collecting Fast Offerings.  I cherish our precious times of chasing, teasing, swimming, and taxiing around in the car.  Recalling those wonderful memories brings me smiles, laughs, tears, and most of all a heart full of love and gratitude to have had such an incredible son who blessed our lives as he has. 

Are you beginning to see?  Love is truly magical.  Love is the key to unlocking the magic.  If we could do everything with love everyday of our lives, we would feel the magic of Christmas all year long.  Love can open doors.  Love can transform you.  Love is magical.  In truth, the magic of Christmas is found in every heart that believes in God, in every heart that celebrates the birth of our Savior, in every heart that desires to help and lift another, and in every heart that has felt the sting of pain yet chooses to follow the One who truly can heal and can lead each of us lovingly home. 

Above all, at this magical time of year, Christmas time, I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who gave us the greatest gift of all, His Son, our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.  Why?  Because, He loves each and every one of us as it is stated in John 3:16:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Christ came into this world to redeem each of us.  His birth is the most magical part of Christmas of all.  He has provided the light and the way to return to live with our Father in Heaven and to be with our loved ones again.  Can there be anything more magical than that? 

May the magic of Christmas be found with each of you this year!  I send my heart felt love and hugs to each and every one of you who have blessed my life and continue to bless my life.  Merry Christmas!

"Be Still My Soul"~I love this hymn and it has become one of my favorites.  I chose this particular video because you can actually hear and understand the words, as well as hearing a sweet message from Elder Worthlin.

I love this song by Carrie Underwood "See You Again"

He was SO happy when he caught TWO fish!

Zach loves his niece Brooklynn <3

Getting him boutonniered up!

Selfie playing the drums

Selfie on the computer

Photo taken by my good friend Trudy

Zach & his best buddy, Mark

The last summer we had with him

The last picture taken~ a selfie just days before he passed away

I have loved this statue and theme since I first saw it <3

We all have a journey...this one is mine

A physical limitation…who said “I can’t?”

I just thought I would share a journey that Mark has been on.  Although I have been at his side through this physical trial, there has been many times where he has hit numerous walls that seem to limit his physical progress.  Yet, because of his perseverance, he has pressed forward with an undying faith of “I can do this!”  Mark tends to be a very private person and I am extremely… NOT!  And, because I am not, I want to share his journey.

In 2008, Mark was having severe neck issues.  His diagnosis was 4-discs, from C3-C7, that had herniated.  The cure:  4-level fusion.  So, in August of 2008, he was wheeled away for the procedure.  They fused those levels and placed a titanium plate with all sorts of screws to hold everything in place.  He was told his recovery time would ONLY be two weeks and he could get back to work.  (The “recovery time” issue is a story for another time).  Needless to say, Mark went back to cath’ing, call, and office duties…feeling the pain of it all everyday.

The next two years were extremely painful.  Golfing-painful.  Running-painful and near impossible.  Hiking-painful.  Biking-painful.  I think you understand.  Pain became his constant companion.  But, Mark was determined to run a marathon.  He had his mind set to train in spite of his pain.  So, he signed up for the 2010 St. George Marathon.  Then, training commenced.

Mark began to have more and more neck pain.  Not only was he having neck pain, but he was also beginning to have neurological symptoms.  Shooting pains down his arms.  Numbing.  He had been hiding it from me for quite some time when one evening he shared his concerns.  I told him he should get an MRI or x-ray.  But, do you understand that doctors are truly the WORST patients?  UGH! By that time, unbeknownst to me, he had already begun to research neurosurgeons.  He knew that something was really wrong—yet STILL didn’t tell me. 

There were many miracles through all of this, but the first miracle was that Mark got a groin injury that limited his running.  The injury became so painful, he finally withdrew from the marathon.  Finally, he had an MRI done.  The results from the MRI showed that there was something impinging on his spinal chord.  Then, he had an x-ray done.  The x-ray showed that the titanium plate between C6-C7 had fractured and that the screws holding that portion in had also broken.  The top portion of the plate was resting on the broken screws of the bottom portion of the plate.  If Mark had run the marathon with this injury, he may not be here today.  Thus, the groin injury was a blessing, and most assuredly saved him from any type of permanent paralysis.

Mark decided to call one of the lead neurosurgeons in the country and have him review his x-rays/MRI.  Because of the complicating nature of his neck/plate/screws, we opted to head out to Duke University and have that surgeon repair his neck.  Before the doctor would operate, he had Mark get one more test, a CT myelogram.  The results from that test showed that not only the plate was broken and screws were fractured, but the screws had acted like a file and nearly completely eroded away the C6 and C7 vertebral bodies.  What does that mean?  He had a hole where there should have been bone.  The doctor told him that he was less than a millimeter away from being a “Christopher Reeve.”

Consequently, off to surgery he went.  The doctor opened him up on the front side, placing a bone graft and re-fusing and repairing—and, they had to fuse him all the way to T1.  Thus, he is fused from C3-T1 on the front.  After finishing that, they rolled him over and put rods in the back of his neck for extra support—fusing him from C5-T1.  His neck’s range of motion had now been greatly compromised.  They also told him that he would never run again.  This was quite the blow to Mark.

However, at his 6-month post-surgery mark, he asked the surgeon, “Can I start running again?”  The response was not a resounding “NO!,” but a “well…you really shouldn’t.”  And, in the brain of Mark, that was his ticket to begin running again.  When he began running again, he didn’t go long distances.  And, every time he did run, p.a.i.n!

On December 11, 2011, the unthinkable happened.  Our youngest son, Zach passed away.  For Mark, running became a way to cope with Zach’s death.  Running became a way of life.  Running has become one of his passions. 

Mark told me he wanted to run the St. George Marathon this year.  Being the mean wife, I told him “no!” I had too many fears, especially from what happened last time he was training for a marathon.  Being the obedient husband, he did not sign up for the marathon, but he kept on running.  Mark then informed me that he WAS going to run the Snow Canyon ½ Marathon.  He kept telling me, “I can do this!”  “I will be alright!”  What could I say?  Thus, he registered, and for the first time since Zach’s passing he was truly excited about something.

This past Saturday, I dropped him off at 6:30 a.m., at Snow Canyon High School, where he was bussed to the starting point.  The race commenced at 8:30, and he told us to come back at around 9:30 to see him finish, as his goal was to finish in under 90 minutes.  Rachel, Richard, and I arrived at about 9:45 and feared we had missed him finish.  BUT…we did not!  We were standing by the finish line when Rachel said, “there he is!”  We got our cameras out and started yelling for him.  As I watched him run toward the finish line, I could not seem to contain my tears.  The flood of emotions simply overcame me.  Emotions of gratitude, of love, of joy, of conquering trials were all coupled with the thought of Zach cheering his father on to cross that finish line.  Even today, I can picture Zach with a smile spread from ear to ear.  For me, that is a sweet and tender thought.

Nevertheless, this was Mark’s triumph.  His training and perseverance beat the odds.  His commitment to seeing his goal through to the end taught each of us that day.  He finished with a time of 87:38, placed 83^rd overall out of over 1900 runners, with a pace of 6:41 per mile, and received a 3^rd place trophy for his age group.

Have the past five years been easy?  No.  But to see Mark finish that race and to be a part of that day, I would say that that was one of my life’s greatest moments. 

What do I have to be thankful for?  I am thankful for the gifts of pure joy.  I am thankful for the drive and the passion we are given to accomplish goals.  I am thankful for an incredible husband, father, and Papa who continues to teach all of us through his example of enduring faith.  There are many people I know and love who have particularly blessed my life.   Many of you, I call my family.

This is his x-ray of his broken plate...you just needed to see what I was talking about!

Mark kicking it in the last leg of the race

Yes, he was pretty happy about his accomplishment--as he should be :)

He was soaking wet with sweat, but I hugged him anyway <3

Trophy for 3rd place in his age group... GO MARK!

Live Like You Believe...  We all should <3

Of Candy Crush and Mush…

This is going to be a VERY nonsensicle post...get ready!

I have been doing a fair amount of reflecting lately…on what, you ask???  Simply everything!

I actually wrote a blog post last week.  However, it was extremely negative and thus I saved it to my computer, for my eyes only.  Writing can be very therapeutic and that particular #nevertobeseenpost helped to cure the angst of that day.  In short, I am being deposed as a witness to an accident and the attorney began to talk to me about “Pain and Suffering.”  Hmmm… I obviously have strong #nevertobeheard feelings about the whole “pain & suffering” claim.  But, that is not what I want to focus this blog post on today.

Oh Candy Crush---oh how I miss you!  I am a Candy Crush addict.  There…I admitted to ONE of my many shortcomings.  I had the game on my iphone.  I had the game on my ipad.  I even had the game on my computer.  With 5 chances per electronic device—I had 15 opportunities to get to the next delicious level.  By the time I would finish the 15^th game, I had new lives back on the first device I began playing on—I think you get the picture.  I found myself consumed with constantly beating the next level. My rear was getting bigger—not from eating Reese’s, Snickers, or M&M’s, but simply from sitting idly wasting SO much of my time on this F.U.N. game!

In order to conquer my addiction, I courageously gave the game up.  I deleted the game from my iphone.  I deleted the game from my ipad.  And, I deleted the game from my computer.  After I deleted the game, I received a text from my son asking me to hurry up and send him a ticket to move to the next station.  I had to report to him that I gave the game up. 

So, what do I do with my life now that I have given up Candy Crush and have ALL this time?  I amped up my walking up to 5.5 miles per day + swim a mile everyday.  I also refocused working on indexing and my personal family history.  Volunteering at Head Start and reading to these adorable 4 year olds.  I am cleaning out closets.  I also have so many food storage items that I need to inventory—I am getting closer on finishing that task. 

Is what I am doing now as fun as Candy Crush?  Hmmm…attitude is everything, right?  Yesterday I was actually praying to have a better attitude.  In fact, I was praying to have a Christ like attitude.  After my prayer, I came to the kitchen and stared at this HUGE bag of fortune cookies that a friend gave me.  She told me to pull one out and read my fortune whenever I felt the need.  Well, yesterday I pulled one out and this is what it said:

“You are capable. Competent. Creative. Careful. Prove it!”

Do I believe that the fortune was an answer to my prayer? Of course not!  But, it reminded me that we are ALL capable of accomplishing goals.  We are ALL competent to serve in whatever calling asked of us.  And yes, each of us has been given creative talents.  Your creative talents can be anything.  The synonyms for the word creative are: original, imaginative, inspired, artistic, inventive, resourceful, ingenious, or productive.  Ahhh… productive—I am working on being productive.  Likewise, the synonyms for careful are:  cautious, wary, vigilant, watchful, or alert.  I think I want to work on alert—being alert to those who are in need and somehow find a way to lift them.  Now, PROVE IT!  We are all in the “proving grounds” here in this mortal life.  It is up to each of us individually to find our way back home.  Is my compass always pointing “due North?”  Not always.  But that is the beauty in this life, I have the opportunity to correct my course—to find myself on a more productive path.

So, my dear friends, when you send me a request to re-join Candy Crush, please do not be offended when I don’t respond and join.  I am doing this for my own good! Ha!

As for “mush,” a quick story about Zach, Halloween, and carving pumpkins.  Zach wanted to carve a pumpkin EVERY Halloween.  Yet, there was one problem that lay before us each year.  He could not “gut” the pumpkin—that is removing all the seeds and scraping out all the slimy junk.  The reason he could not gut it was because the slimy, gooey junk inside would make him heave and puke everywhere.  One year, I remember telling him, “you are going to have to clean out the pumpkin if you want to carve it.”  I thought if I used a firm attitude, he would get over this issue he had.  He stuck his hand in the pumpkin, barely touching the slimy mush.  At which point, Zach created his own slimy, gooey mush—yes, he puked everywhere.  He was such a funny kid and I miss those slimy, gooey, and mushy times.

Have a Happy Halloween!

If only I could know what that ride would be like...

When I look at giant roller coaster rides from a distance, I get this uneasy feeling in my stomach, as I am somewhat afraid to ride them.  I, typically, am NOT a thrill seeking rider, when it comes to roller coasters, but naturally my children and husband manage to coerce me into waiting in long lines to embark on such rides as “The Hulk,” “California Screamin’,” “Xcelerator,” or “Space Mountain.”

Even when I was younger, my friends and I would go to theme parks and ride these rides that would usually turn my stomach inside out.  Being caught up in the peer pressure thing, I always got on and closed my eyes until the ride was over—missing every piece of excitement on these short, upside down, loop around, 120+ second rides. 

When Chelsea graduated from high school, we decided to take the family to Disney World and Universal Studios.  Aaron graduated the following year, and guess where he wanted to go?  BACK to Disney World and Universal Studios.  The kids were pumped to be able to ride these “totally awesome” rides.  We hit ALL the big rides several times at Disney World.  Zach was tall enough to ride the Space Mountain roller coaster and we had to ride that one several times.  That was the first time I managed to keep my eyes open and try to see what was coming at me in the dark.

We, of course, made our way over to Universal Studios as the kids were anxious to ride “The Hulk.”   Unfortunately, Zach was under the 54” height requirement and I graciously volunteered to stay with him.  I knew how disappointed he was and thus told him we could go over and ride “Dudley Do-Rights Ripsaw Falls” water ride.  I “thought” that this would be a fun ride for him…well, for me anyway—nice and easy.  We would glide along in this boat, get a little wet, and that would be fun for Zach and absolutely no stress for me.  Zach agreed and off we went to see Dudley.  Little did I know that, at the end of the ride, our log boat would plummet down a 75-foot drop—not only getting us a little wet, but soaked!  As our log boat began it’s 75-foot descent, I began panicking.  Upon our drop, the realization that we have NO safety restraints threw me into “RED” alert!  I leaned forward to put my arms around Zach to help restrain him (I know, probably NOT the smartest thing to do—what can I say—remember…panic mode).  What he thought was going to be a “super boring” ride ended up putting the biggest smile on his face!  He was ready to go again after that.  Me…not so much.  But for Zach, that was a great adventure!

We met back up with Mark, Aaron, & Rachel.  Both Zach and I were soaked and our day had ONLY just begun.  Zach begged Mark to take him back on that ride again, while Aaron and Rach pleaded with me to ride “The Hulk” with them.  Mark went with Zach, and needless to say, I went to meet Dr. Bruce Banner.  Aaron and Rachel both stipulated that we “must” sit in the very front seat.  Front seat.  Here I come!  After being properly secured with our safety restraints, the roller coaster begins its slow crawl up the ramp.  A voice comes on and starts screaming there has been a malfunction—at which point the roller coaster goes from 0 to 40mph in 2 seconds flat.  The kids were yelling at me to open my eyes-- so… I would open them—close them—open them—close them… I think you get the picture.  When I opened my eyes, I watched as both Aaron and Rach had smiles that spread ear to ear.  From watching Zach, Aaron, and Rach enjoy something that completely terrified me, I learned that I needed to keep my eyes open, enjoy that moment, and be ever watchful of where I am headed.  I learned roller coasters could be fun.  Roller coasters can be boring.  And, roller coasters can scare the pee right out of me—especially for someone my age.  Sometimes I get on only to realize I cannot wait until I get off!  Other times I cannot wait until I ride it again. 

Life can sometimes be just like those roller coaster rides.  I have come to equate some of those rides with my life.  But, if I truly knew what this ride in life would be like, would I have ridden it?  The mortal says “NO WAY,” but the reality of the answer to that question will remain a mystery.  However, there is one sure piece of knowledge that I possess, and…that lies at the end of this mortal ride.  At the end of this journey, there awaits a joyful reunion.  Because I believe that “families are forever,” the opportunity to be with Zach again is real.  If I thought for one second that “this life is it,” “I will never see him again,” or “this is all we have- here and now,” how could I possibly go on????  The answer to that is easy—it would be a hopeless state.  But, because of Christ’s infinite atonement, we have been given the opportunity, privilege, and blessing to be with our families again.  What more could I look forward to than to be with my family again?  I say, there is nothing more to look forward to than to be with my family again. 

You know the smiles that people have at the end of their ride???  Yes, I imagine at the end of my ride that there will be smiles with hugs, tears of joy, and a very grateful heart to the One who gave His life freely so that I may enjoy eternal happiness.  Eternal happiness with the ones I love…I cannot think of anything better to look forward to!

I couldn't resist!  Here is a video of "The Hulk" AND...

Dudley Do Right Ripsaw Falls