Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Spending, the Gifts, the Decorating… and, for what???

In October of 2011, Zach wanted a new bike and a new iPod touch…for Christmas.  He begged and begged Mark to let him have those gifts early.  Mark has a soft spot for ALL our children and couldn’t resist letting Zach have those gifts early.   Zach’s smile was worth the world when he was able to squeeze his Dad for what he wanted.

Zach proudly rode his new bike everyday.  I would see him riding that bike everywhere out our back window.  I even saw him riding off of some of the empty lot’s cliffs.  He was grinning ear to ear and I was saying silent prayers that he wouldn’t get hurt.  With the sun in his face and the wind at his back, he was a boy having an adventure.  His adventure was discovering what he could do on his bike and where it could take him. 

Zach’s Christmas was in October.  We are so glad we let him have those simple gifts.  As within a few months, his Christmas would be spent with our Savior and ours would be spent mourning his passing. 

How different this time of year has become for us.  I suppose our souls have become a little more in tune with the “reason we celebrate the season.”  We yearn to lift and help someone who is less fortunate.  We long to serve those who are alone or downtrodden.  We most certainly want to extend our hands in love to those who have suffered the loss of a loved one~we understand this deep sense of loss.

As I observe the goings-on this Christmas time of year, I have found:
  • ·      Parents and Grandparents trying to provide the one gift that will bring joy to their child/grandchild
  • ·      Friends baking delicious treats to give to those they love
  • ·      Happy faces (and some crying ones) when people go to visit Santa at the mall
  • ·      Beautiful Christmas cards with pictures of their happy families
  • ·      Phone calls letting people know you are thinking of them
  • ·      Homes decorated with lights, Christmas trees, and some even with yard art
  • ·      Beautiful Creche exhibits that remind us “why” we even celebrate this time of year
  • ·      Our beautiful temples lighting the way to help bring a deeper understanding of why we believe that families are eternal

At this time of year, it would be easy to have a “bah-humbug” attitude.  It would be easy to say, “Why decorate?”  It would be SO easy to avoid the shopping mayhem.  It would be easy to forget that there are many who are suffering.  It would be easy to become consumed with personal grief.  But, those are all choices that would only lead me down a path of doom and gloom.  Those choices would not bring me happiness nor any amount of joy.

What it boils down to is this: the choice is simply mine.  I choose to spend money on things my children and grandchildren may not need, but would bring them joy.  In turn, this makes my heart swell.  I choose to decorate.  I suppose I decorate now to simply honor this Christmas season.  I also remember how much Zach enjoyed putting each and every ornament on the tree.  It brought him great joy to help decorate.  This also makes my heart swell.

I choose to give thanks to my Father in Heaven who lovingly gave His Son, our Redeemer that we may have the opportunity to return and live with Him, His Son, and our families, eternally, again one day.  Our Savior is our own personal Gift from God.  I am ever grateful that through my trials, I may turn to Him and He can calm and lift my weary heart. 

At this Christmas season, I invite you to share what is good, wonderful, and right in your life.  The world and media would like for us to focus on the opposite.  However, be the answer to someone’s prayer.  Be the quiet miracle who gave without recognition.  Be the smile to an over worked cashier.  Be gentle.  Be kind.  And most of all, be loving.  These are but a few of the qualities and character attributes the Savior exemplified.  I want to be better, to improve, but I need to make better choices in order to accomplish a more Christ-like attitude and life.  I want Zach to be happy and proud of my good decisions.  I want him to say, “Way to go Mom!”

Here is a link to a talk Elder Uchtdorf gave at the April 2014 General Conference:

And...as always...I have to give you a song <3

Gone, but not forgotten <3













Thursday, October 9, 2014

“Getting over it” versus “Coping with our new reality”

I have wanted to write about this topic MANY times since Zach’s passing.  My hope is to express “my” opinions, experiences, and feelings in such a way that helps others to understand that “coping,” faith, and family has been our way to progress through the loss of Zach.  In truth, losing a child is simply not something you “get over.”

Since Zach’s passing, I have had a doctor give me a time frame for the grieving process.  I have had doctors want to prescribe me something to help me maneuver through the grieving process.  I have had numerous people ask, “Are you getting over it?”  I have listened to a woman tell a group about a young lady who “needs to get over her loss, it’s been a year… it’s time!”  (As a side-note, I happened to be listening to this the day after the anniversary of Zach’s death).  I have had several people show up to my home or send me letters telling me that we should sell our house as that will help us to “get over it.”  I could recount numerous stories that would curl your toenails!  Be that as it may, I am more than sure that many thought they had our best interest at heart.

Giving you all the juicy details of the variety of things people have said or done is not my purpose, I just wanted to give you a small sample of some things that have been said so that you may gain a tiny glimpse of understanding.  I also want to note that I in no way hold ANY sort of a grudge~a grudge is a pile of bricks you lug around…and I don’t need that!!!

Back to the matter at hand…

How can any one ever expect a parent to “get over” the loss of a child?  We brought these sweet little human beings into the world.  We were up all night with feedings.  We nursed them through times of being sick.  We kissed their bruises and bandaged their scrapes.  We played chase and pushed them in swings.  We laughed as they splashed us while bathing in the tub.  Their giggle would make us giggle.  We held them as they sweetly fell asleep in our arms.  And in those moments, the world was right.  Our world was perfectly blessed by these wonderful people we call our children.  Zach most certainly blessed my life and through his passing, I have been humbled and tutored, and I have developed a deeper faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.

The loss of a child is perhaps the single most devastating event a parent could ever be presented with.  It is NOT something we can simply “get over,” or “move on” from.  The night Zach died was so incredibly traumatic-in every possible way.  Cliché as it may sound, as long as I live; I will never forget the events of that night.  With that said, I believe with all my heart that our Father in Heaven wants us to progress…to press forward.  In order to do this, we had to learn to “cope” with the loss of Zach.  We had to learn how to “cope” with our new reality…an earthly existence without Zach physically here with us.

Coping meant that we had to take those steps toward progression. We needed to begin to draw from things that were uplifting and comforting, things that would indeed help us to progress.  I have met some who have not been able to progress from grief to coping.  I have also met many who are years down the road in their progression of the loss of their child who have valiantly managed to cope.  I want to be on that same road of “progression,” as that road brings comfort, peace, and healing.

I look at learning to cope as learning survival skills.  What can I do to survive this tragedy in my life~emotionally and spiritually?  If you have been following my blog, then you know what I do in order to cope/survive.  And, there are many things that have blessed my life and truly have helped me in coping with the loss of Zach.  I want to be engaged in those things that make me feel as if I am making a small difference somewhere in this world. 

Recently, I met a woman who not only lost her husband, but also two children.  One of her children passed away several years ago and the other just recently.  As I was talking with her, and because I needed to know for myself, I asked her, “Do you still mourn the loss of your son?”  Her reply was, “you never get over the loss of a child.”  I understand her thoughts on this completely, and was validated! 

Instead of asking “are you getting over it?” ask “how are you coping?”  The “coping” question can open many doors of profound and meaningful conversation.  There seems to be something much more positive with coping.  Coping means surviving.  Coping means you are finding the tools to help you survive.  Coping means you are learning.  Coping means you are looking for the sunrise, yet have come to fully appreciate the sunset.  Coping means you have found strength~your inner strength. Coping means you are progressing.  Cope does in fact rhyme with hope.  When we are coping, we are hoping for brighter tomorrows.  And, they do come.

I love this talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin: (just click on the link)
"Sunday Will Come"

I also love this message on eternal families:
Mountains to Climb

Sunday, July 27, 2014

A Simple Birthday Wish...

I went into a store the other day and saw some powdered sugar doughnuts!  Those doughnuts reminded me of how much Zach LOVED to eat them and would chow them in no time flat!!!  This memory made me smile.

I was driving home with Mark after his marathon on Thursday.  As I was driving, I remembered when we were driving to Virginia to visit my parents, many years ago.  We had to make a potty stop.  Zach would have been about 3 at the time and was in the process of “potty training.”  Mark took him to the men’s room.  As I was waiting for Mark and Zach to come out, several men came out of the men’s room smiling and laughing.  When Mark and Zach came out, Mark was laughing.  Zach went to the bathroom first and Mark said, “Good job Zach!”  We were doing our best to encourage him ha!  It was Mark’s turn and just as Mark finished, Zach yelled, “Good job Dad!”  I guess he brought the house down with his comment.  This memory made me smile.

Zach has come to me in my dreams.  When he does, I am filled beyond joy.  And, this warms my heart and makes me smile!

I had a lot of help decorating your headstone this time.  I decided I wanted to decorate it with lots of butterflies.  Butterflies, for some reason, make me smile...they are happy and beautiful.

Aunt Pam, your cousins, & Brooklynn & Brielle
Putting the butterflies on...


Brielle with front row seating
The finished product :)

Nana, Papa, Chelsea, Brook, & Brielle <3

Can you tell we are seestas???




The butterflies have hatched!

Isn't this happy???


Happy Birthday Zach!  You would be 16 today.  We would be at the DMV on Monday so that you could receive your license.  You would be ordained to the office of a Priest and blessing the Sacrament next Sunday.  And…you would be dating!  While I am missing you and missing ALL the things you would be getting to do, I know you are not missing any of it!  I know you are happy.  You have the Melchizedek Priesthood and you are serving our Savior by teaching all those who never had the opportunity to learn of Jesus Christ.  I know you are busy, and this brings me peace.  However, you are dearly missed!  Your Dad & I will be sending you your annual birthday balloons with our messages of love to you.  I know you know how much we love you and we, too, know how much you love us!

Happy Birthday Zach <3

These are sent to you with ALL our love <3
Up, up, up...


Almost a spec in the big blue sky...


Off into the big blue yonder...  We love and miss you...
ALWAYS & FOREVER <3

P.S.  I really need to thank ALL your friends who remembered that today is your birthday!  Makaylie posted a quote I have heard many times before, and I wanted to share it in my blog.

“When you have someone you love in heaven, you have a little bit of heaven in your home.” 

I believe we do have a little bit of heaven in our home with Zach being our guardian angel.  Happy Birthday my sweet angel son!  Until we meet again… <3

Life...it can be an endurance race for sure

Mark has been preparing for the St. George Marathon in October of this year.  He then had the thought, “I think I should run the SLC Marathon to help prepare me for the St. George Marathon.”  He wanted to place in his age group and dedicate his efforts to Zach~for Zach’s birthday.
This past Wednesday, we drove up to SLC in order for Mark to run the SLC Marathon on Thursday.  Thursday 3AM came and I delivered Mark to the buses to be hauled up Emigration Canyon.  I came home and went back to bed, ha!

Mark began this grueling marathon by having to run downhill.  The first 16 miles the elevation dropped from 7400 feet to 4600 feet, which included a 440 feet rise from about mile 6 to mile 8.  The final 10 miles were a lot of ups and downs winding through the city until the finish at Liberty Park.  It was very windy for the first several miles, but then got quit hot once he came out of the canyon.  At around the 10-mile mark, he began to feel as if he had rocks in his shoes.  So, he stopped twice, took his shoes and socks off, shook them out, put them back on and returned to the race.  The pain in his feet persisted, but he was not going to let that stop him.  At about mile 21, Mark hit a wall, but he pushed on and persevered and finished the race.


I was anxiously awaiting his arrival at the finish line!!!  I saw Mark round the corner and I was so overcome with emotion.  As I carefully watched him, I knew he was physically in trouble.  But with Mark, where there is a will, there is a way.  I took a couple of photos as he approached the finish.  Seeing his ashen face, I knew he was going to need some medical attention.  Despite drinking at least 2cups of Powerade or water at every aid station, he was so dehydrated he had to be infused with 2 liters of fluid, via an IV.  I left Mom with Mark while I went to get my car.  Upon my return, Mark took his shoes and socks off to find out “why” his feet were hurting.  Upon taking his socks off, he discovered that he not only had severe blisters on the pads and heels of his feet, but also that he lost his entire right heel to a blister. 



Mark was truly disappointed as he took 5th in his age bracket (even though the 4 that finished ahead of him were all younger than him) and 63rd overall out of 329 marathon runners with a time 3 hours and 47 minutes.  Honestly, there is NO shame in these results.  As a matter of fact, every one of us is so proud of him…especially Zach.

Several scriptures come to mind in reflecting Mark’s particular journey on Thursday.

Psalms 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”
I think Mark probably felt as if he was in the “valley of the shadow of death,” yet he persevered and conquered.


3 Nephi 15:9:
“Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me, and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life.”
The sky was a beautiful blue, yet it was searing hot in the sun.  Mark traversed those roads despite the elements and endured to the end…to the end of the race.



And as in 3 Nephi 31:20:
 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.”     
Mark pressed forward through dehydration, shin splints, and blisters bigger than the state of Texas (okay… a little exaggeration there).  He had hope that there was an end to that race and it was with that hope he endured to the bitter end.   And at the end of his race, there was relief, there was nourishment, and there was the love of his family~who was cheering him every step of the way.




Family, isn’t that what this life is all about?  I am truly grateful for my family~they ARE my heart.  You DID it Mark!!! 

Life’s A Beach~Especially With Family



We recently took a trip to Emerald Isle, NC.  One of the prettiest beaches and it is quiet there.  We took the entire family and it was a wonderful trip.  The weather was perfect, except when Hurricane Arthur visited.  The shelling was wonderful.  The water was warm.  The waves were just right.  Our granddaughters were adorable as they discovered how to build sandcastles, find the good shells, and learn to boogie board.  We had family pictures taken, but we were just missing one young man.  At sweet and special moments, we knew he was there with us.  There is nothing sweeter than being together with our family.  They are our joy.  They are our hearts.

I have attached two old videos that has Zach in them from our Emerald Isle trip the summer before he passed away.  That summer, for no apparent reason, I took my camcorder with me to the beach.  I was videoing everything.  Little did I know that I would be capturing some "last" sweet moments in time of Zach~memories I am able to watch again with a smile!


The fam at Emerald Isle



We missed Zach skim boarding


One of my favorite videos of Aaron throwing Zach into the waves...
such brotherly love going on there <3

The McCleve's


Papa & Nana


Dr. & Dr.

Performing for the camera

Brielle & Brooklynn <3

Shelling...


The Dunes

The Boys

The Girls



The Wells'
"I'm not so sure about this..."






"Nana!"
Posing

"isss yucky Nana!"

Posing
Playing in the emerald green water <3


Sand time

More...

<3


Feeling the love <3

relaxing

Making sand potions
getting used to the gentle waves


Just cute

"Run before the wave gets us!