As many of you
know, December 11th will mark a year to the date that Zach has been
gone. Truly, it is difficult to think
back to this time last year. I well
remember sitting at the counter working on my final paper. Mark was cooking dinner and had just finished
setting the table when he went downstairs to get Zach to come eat with us. He usually would call him for supper, but he
felt impressed to go down and get him.
Little did he know that he would find that our sweet son’s spirit had left
this mortal existence. Shock, horror,
grief coupled with intense pain are words that could probably begin to describe
the feelings and emotions felt at that moment in time. I don’t believe that the realities of that
evening will ever leave my mind or heart in this life.
It is the night and the time in my life that has forever changed me.
This year, Thanksgiving
was very quiet. A year ago, Zach ate
with us, and how he loved his turkey and mashed potatoes. A year ago, he was flaunting his rock hard
abs and flexing his biceps and just being a typical 13 year-old young man. As with the sweet nostalgic memories of him
in the past, the future seems to carry our lives forward with many sweet and
beautiful things to see, to look forward to, and to be a part of. Of recent, our daughter Rachel was able to go
to the temple to receive her endowment.
It was a beautiful evening, and to watch her absorb and love every
moment brought joy to my heart. We know
that Zach was with us that evening.
Christmas this
year will be quiet—just Rachel, Mark, and me.
Although it will be quiet, we have something to look forward to. The day after Christmas the other kids along
with Mom will arrive, and we will head to the St. George Temple to do Zach’s
work. Our entire family will have the
opportunity to be there in this beautiful edifice of the Lord. I envision that day to be an incredibly
joyous one—perhaps greater than my mere mortal mind can even begin to comprehend. Contrast those feelings of peace, joy,
happiness, and comfort to the feelings of the night he passed away and you have
a person who is progressing forward and beginning to find the joy in the
journey again.
I have often pondered those last few weeks of Zach’s life and reflected on the many
cherished things that transpired. In
those last weeks, Zach would fall asleep with the light on in his room. I would go into his room and I distinctly
remember looking at him, while he was sleeping, and remember thinking how
handsome he was. I would then rub my
hand on his head and kiss his forehead and whisper, “I love you.” After doing such, I would turn the light out. I have often wondered if he knew I was there and heard me. On one occasion, Zach and I went to DI to tie
quilts for service project hours that he needed for a merit badge. After tying quilts for six hours he said, “Mom,
we need to go do that again because that was fun.” Amazing!
He truly found joy in service. We
had Thanksgiving together with his sisters who were able to spend time with
him. His last Scout Court of Honor, he advanced
in rank and I have a picture of him pinning me~the last to be taken with him
before his passing. The night before he
passed, we had gone to dinner with his good friend Andy, and he had dared Andy
to eat a teaspoonful of wasabi. He
videoed the entire event on his ipod—he was laughing all the way through. His laugh was infectious. Perhaps one of my sweetest memories is when I
had gone into his room, the day before he passed, to put some of his laundry
away. He was sitting at his desk and
turned to me as I came out of his closet and said, “Mom, I love you.” He then got up and came over to me. He put his arm around me and again said, “I
really do love you Mom.” Those were such
sweet and comforting words from a 13 year-old young man~my son.
I have many
memories of him that truly bring me comfort, strength, and most certainly a
smile. A year ago, I did not think I
would be able to move forward as moving forward seemed to be a process of letting
go. For me, letting go seemed to equate
forgetting. The good news is that I can
move forward without forgetting, with the gift of recalling every sweet memory of my son. For, "God gave us memories so that there would be roses in December."
On one occasion this past year, I
considered giving up working with the Special Needs Mutual when I felt a prompting, as clear as the blue sky, that that is where I am needed. I
contemplated not decorating for Christmas but then felt as if Zach would really
want me to. When I have found myself
finding ways to be homebound, promptings have come to extricate and thrust me
into situations where I am serving—I believe with all my heart this is what the
Lord would have me do—this is what Zach expects of his mother. I love serving and for me serving is healing.
I did not think I
would be able to listen to Christmas music, but I have felt great comfort in
doing so. In particular, songs that
pertain to our Savior and his birth speak to the very depths of my soul. They bring me joy. They bring me comfort. They bring me peace. For our Savior came into this world and bore
all things that we may have the opportunity to live with our Father in Heaven,
with Him, and with our families again one day.
I rejoice in that knowledge with an even deeper appreciation for the Reason
we celebrate this season.
To all of my
family, friends, and Zach’s friends~I hope you find the “reason” we celebrate
this season. For in John 3:16-17 states,
“16 For aGod so bloved the cworld, that he dgave his eonly begotten fSon, that whosoever gbelieveth in him
should not perish, but have heverlasting ilife.
17 For God asent not his Son into the world
to bcondemn the world; but that the
world through him might be csaved.”
I
celebrate Christmas because I indeed do celebrate the birth of our Savior. I would be remiss if I did not express my
gratitude to and for my Savior. I am
grateful for His life, His example, His teachings, and most of all for His
great atoning sacrifice. It is through
Him, by Him, and for Him that I am able to journey forward. In facing my trial, the magnitude of which is
vaster than myself, I have never felt abandoned or alone. In my heartsick moments, He carries me, He holds
me, and most of all He loves me. Furthermore,
I have many blessings to be grateful for.
I am grateful for prayer, for my testimony, for incredible leaders who
have accepted the call to lead and guide, for scriptures, for hymns, for
beautiful friends, and for my incredible family that continues to bless my life each and every day.
Since
the Christmas season is about giving, I want to end with a quote from President
Thomas S. Monson:
“He
who gives money gives much,
he
who gives time gives more,
but
he who gives of himself gives all.”
PS...I have attached a few videos
Enjoy this song by Hilary Weeks... "Christmastime"
If you would like, here is the video a friend of ours made for Zach's funeral...just a reminder that it is 30+ minutes in length of the young man--our son--that could bring a smile to anyone's face :)
Also, here is the short clip of his banana chair video he made~we found this after he passed and it is an example of his never ending love for adventure and life
And in Zach's words..."Thanks for watching!" Or in this case... reading.
