For days turn into weeks and the weeks have turned into months and now we are at a year...There is a Reason to Celebrate the Season

As many of you know, December 11^th will mark a year to the date that Zach has been gone.  Truly, it is difficult to think back to this time last year.  I well remember sitting at the counter working on my final paper.  Mark was cooking dinner and had just finished setting the table when he went downstairs to get Zach to come eat with us.  He usually would call him for supper, but he felt impressed to go down and get him.  Little did he know that he would find that our sweet son’s spirit had left this mortal existence.  Shock, horror, grief coupled with intense pain are words that could probably begin to describe the feelings and emotions felt at that moment in time.  I don’t believe that the realities of that evening will ever leave my mind or heart in this life.  It is the night and the time in my life that has forever changed me.

This year, Thanksgiving was very quiet.  A year ago, Zach ate with us, and how he loved his turkey and mashed potatoes.  A year ago, he was flaunting his rock hard abs and flexing his biceps and just being a typical 13 year-old young man.  As with the sweet nostalgic memories of him in the past, the future seems to carry our lives forward with many sweet and beautiful things to see, to look forward to, and to be a part of.  Of recent, our daughter Rachel was able to go to the temple to receive her endowment.  It was a beautiful evening, and to watch her absorb and love every moment brought joy to my heart.  We know that Zach was with us that evening.

Christmas this year will be quiet—just Rachel, Mark, and me.  Although it will be quiet, we have something to look forward to.  The day after Christmas the other kids along with Mom will arrive, and we will head to the St. George Temple to do Zach’s work.  Our entire family will have the opportunity to be there in this beautiful edifice of the Lord.  I envision that day to be an incredibly joyous one—perhaps greater than my mere mortal mind can even begin to comprehend.  Contrast those feelings of peace, joy, happiness, and comfort to the feelings of the night he passed away and you have a person who is progressing forward and beginning to find the joy in the journey again.

I have often pondered those last few weeks of Zach’s life and reflected on the many cherished things that transpired.  In those last weeks, Zach would fall asleep with the light on in his room.  I would go into his room and I distinctly remember looking at him, while he was sleeping, and remember thinking how handsome he was.  I would then rub my hand on his head and kiss his forehead and whisper, “I love you.”  After doing such, I would turn the light out.  I have often wondered if he knew I was there and heard me.  On one occasion, Zach and I went to DI to tie quilts for service project hours that he needed for a merit badge.  After tying quilts for six hours he said, “Mom, we need to go do that again because that was fun.”  Amazing!  He truly found joy in service.  We had Thanksgiving together with his sisters who were able to spend time with him.  His last Scout Court of Honor, he advanced in rank and I have a picture of him pinning me~the last to be taken with him before his passing.  The night before he passed, we had gone to dinner with his good friend Andy, and he had dared Andy to eat a teaspoonful of wasabi.  He videoed the entire event on his ipod—he was laughing all the way through.  His laugh was infectious.  Perhaps one of my sweetest memories is when I had gone into his room, the day before he passed, to put some of his laundry away.  He was sitting at his desk and turned to me as I came out of his closet and said, “Mom, I love you.”  He then got up and came over to me.  He put his arm around me and again said, “I really do love you Mom.”  Those were such sweet and comforting words from a 13 year-old young man~my son.

I have many memories of him that truly bring me comfort, strength, and most certainly a smile.  A year ago, I did not think I would be able to move forward as moving forward seemed to be a process of letting go.  For me, letting go seemed to equate forgetting.  The good news is that I can move forward without forgetting, with the gift of recalling every sweet memory of my son.  For, "God gave us memories so that there would be roses in December."

On one occasion this past year, I considered giving up working with the Special Needs Mutual when I felt a prompting, as clear as the blue sky, that that is where I am needed.  I contemplated not decorating for Christmas but then felt as if Zach would really want me to.  When I have found myself finding ways to be homebound, promptings have come to extricate and thrust me into situations where I am serving—I believe with all my heart this is what the Lord would have me do—this is what Zach expects of his mother.  I love serving and for me serving is healing.

I did not think I would be able to listen to Christmas music, but I have felt great comfort in doing so.  In particular, songs that pertain to our Savior and his birth speak to the very depths of my soul.  They bring me joy.  They bring me comfort.  They bring me peace.  For our Savior came into this world and bore all things that we may have the opportunity to live with our Father in Heaven, with Him, and with our families again one day.  I rejoice in that knowledge with an even deeper appreciation for the Reason we celebrate this season. 

To all of my family, friends, and Zach’s friends~I hope you find the “reason” we celebrate this season.  For in John 3:16-17 states,

“16 For ^aGod so ^bloved the ^cworld, that he ^dgave his ^eonly begotten ^fSon, that whosoever ^gbelieveth in him should not perish, but have ^heverlasting ⁱlife.

 17 For God ^asent not his Son into the world to ^bcondemn the world; but that the world through him might be ^csaved.”

I celebrate Christmas because I indeed do celebrate the birth of our Savior.  I would be remiss if I did not express my gratitude to and for my Savior.  I am grateful for His life, His example, His teachings, and most of all for His great atoning sacrifice.  It is through Him, by Him, and for Him that I am able to journey forward.  In facing my trial, the magnitude of which is vaster than myself, I have never felt abandoned or alone.  In my heartsick moments, He carries me, He holds me, and most of all He loves me.  Furthermore, I have many blessings to be grateful for.  I am grateful for prayer, for my testimony, for incredible leaders who have accepted the call to lead and guide, for scriptures, for hymns, for beautiful friends, and for my incredible family that continues to bless my life each and every day. 

Since the Christmas season is about giving, I want to end with a quote from President Thomas S. Monson:

“He who gives money gives much,

he who gives time gives more,

but he who gives of himself gives all.”

I hope to find myself at all times and in all places~giving my all.  For, I believe this is a path that will help to lead me home.  I wish each of you a very Merry Christmas with a Happy New Year!  I pray the warmth and the blessings of this Christmas season will fill your hearts and homes with love.

PS...I have attached a few videos

Enjoy this song by Hilary Weeks... "Christmastime"

If you would like, here is the video a friend of ours made for Zach's funeral...just a reminder that it is 30+ minutes in length of the young man--our son--that could bring a smile to anyone's face :)

Also, here is the short clip of his banana chair video he made~we found this after he passed and it is an example of his never ending love for adventure and life

And in Zach's words..."Thanks for watching!"  Or in this case... reading.