Thursday, November 9, 2017

If I Can Find My Smile…

Since Zach’s passing nearly six years ago, I have found myself working on finding my smile.  How can I smile?  Why smile?  What’s behind a smile?  And, how can my smile help someone who may need “just a smile?”

After the many bleak days and long nights following Zach’s passing, how could I smile?  There were so many reasons NOT to smile.  And, the thought that was foremost on my mind and in my heart was that I would not properly be grieving Zach’s loss… if I did, in fact, smile.   As I began sorting through his room just days after his passing, I found myself holding his Karate clothes and weapons and recalled Zach shouting his Karate grunts.  I then visualized Coach Reis getting Zach to yell SO loud.  When Zach would yell, Coach Reis would get so tickled.  That memory brought on a big smile combined with a few nostalgic tears.  As I recovered his drumsticks, his favorite shirt, his golf clubs… basically I found numerous beautiful memories, pieces of him and his life that not only made me miss him, but also helped me to smile at those sweet memories.   I often wonder if Zach was sitting right by me saying, “remember this…  remember when…  just remember.”  When I go to those sweet moments in time, it is impossible NOT to smile.

 

 

I confess, those first few months, I would often think why would I even want to smile.  I lost my son in a tragic and traumatic way, why should I smile?  Those thoughts right there are what lead many people down a dark, unforgiving, and hopeless road.  The religious part of me also recognizes that that particular road is one the adversary not only wants me on, but also anyone he can trap in his snare.  Do I really want to let him have that much power over me?  Over my life?  Simple answer~NO! 

Whatever journey we may be on, we need to find joy.  For me, attending the temple has been my lifeline for “why” I want to smile and where I find joy.  I can walk through those doors with the heaviest of heart and literally feel the Savior gather my woes and tell me, “Go to work and be happy.”  Miraculously, I could every time.  In the temple, I am surrounded by angels.  These angels may seem as ordinary as you and me, but they are extraordinary human beings.  Their smiles come from the depths of their souls infusing them with love and compassion for everyone.  They smile.  They are happy.  It is a very special light they carry, the kind of light I would like to acquire and share.  Their smiles are genuine, warm, and most of all contagious. 

In a dream of sorts, Zach came to me.  He told me to remember him the way he was from a silly video he made before he died.  After watching that video, I just smiled.  I well remember at his viewing when SO many of his friends came through the line…heartbroken and sobbing.  I told them the story about this particular video and they would smile and laugh.  I also remember asking them, “doesn’t it feel better to smile and laugh a little?  Zach would want it that way.”  Sister Hinckley said, “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it.  You either have to laugh or cry.  I prefer to laugh.  Crying gives me a headache.”  There really is no truer statement!

  This is the video of how Zach wanted me (and all his friends) to remember him 

                                               
What’s behind a smile? And, how can my smile possibly help someone?  As I listen to various friends share their life’s journey, I have come to understand that oft times their smile is sometimes masking their pain.  I have come to appreciate and admire their choice to smile.  When they get ready for the day, their smile is part of their dress routine.  They pick out their outfit and put on their smile.  They say their prayers and put on their smile.  They do not want to leave home without their smile.  Their choice not only blesses them, but also others whom they may come in contact with.  I truly believe a smile helps to open gates and tear down walls.  It becomes a bridge that can help connect and bless human beings with one another. 


A quote I found most helpful (with no author listed), “Be the reason someone smiles today.”  I am grateful for my life and the many journeys I have experienced.  I am grateful for when the Holy Ghost tutors me and comforts me.  I am grateful for eternal families, and in particular, for my eternal family.  I also have a deep love and appreciation for our Savior Jesus Christ.  He has lifted me, blessed me, and helps to give me a reason to smile everyday.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father whose guiding hand is felt every day of my life.  With ALL these wonderful blessings, I have a heart full of gratitude and I can most certainly find my smile.

Sharing some contagious smiles with each of you