Monday, February 12, 2018

“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again…”

First, listen to this song.  Then if you desire, continue reading.




Recently, I have had several people come to me for help in regards to friends who have lost children.  More specifically, I have been asked to help friends who have lost children to suicide, and parents who have children contemplating suicide.  Mark and I were also asked to consider sharing our story in an even more public forum.  However, we declined for numerous personal reasons.

I decided, for Valentine’s Day, to share what is in my heart in regards to Zach’s death and the topic of suicide.  I share it specifically for those who have lost a loved one to suicide and pray that my words will somehow lift and encourage you.  I also share our story from a heart that is in a good place at this time in my life. 

On December 11, 2011, our sweet Zach hanged himself.  Mark found him and together we took him down.  Mark desperately tried CPR, but has seen death enough to know that Zach had been gone for more than an hour.  Most of that horrific night is still yet a blur.  The police came.  The ambulance came.  They put our son’s body in a body bag and left it open at his face where I could kiss his head.

As you may well imagine, we were left with the ever-pressing question of “why.”  Zach left us no note.  We had noticed some changes in Zach’s behavior, but attributed most of it to teenage hormones.  A few months passed and we discovered the reason that led to Zach doing what he thought was his only way to relieve his suffering.  I won’t go into all the particulars, but suffice it to say, someone we trusted hurt him in a way that could not be remedied.  His soul was in utter anguish, and he obviously felt he had no one to turn to for help.

As Mark and I have done a “play by play” playback of the last six months of his life, we each have recalled various times of those “red flag moments.”  “Why didn’t I see this?”  “Why didn’t I do something when he said that?”  All this coupled with the could haves, should haves, and would haves, had we known what was going on in his head and heart.  Sadly, we didn’t.

As far as my knowledge of suicide goes, I will leave that to the professionals to better assist in those situations.  They have the knowledge and skillset, and are equipped to address and aid those who may be contemplating suicide.   With that said, suicide is becoming a problem amongst our young people.  There is an urgency to help with this incredibly deadly disease.  There is an urgency for making people aware.  This is probably the reason Mark and I were sought out.  This is the sole reason for this post.  We decided to share our journey through grief in the hopes that it may offer some sort of help.

We cannot change what Zach did.  We cannot bring him back.  Bad things happen.  And as we have learned, our personal response to trials is paramount in our healing process.  Perhaps the most important decision that Mark and I made was to turn our hearts to our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ.  We cannot go through this storm without faith that everything will be made right in the end.  We cannot go through this trial finding blame or letting anger control our actions or thoughts.  We cannot go through this trial without our loved ones.  But, we had to go through this trial with every ounce of faith we could muster.  This was going to take an immense amount of work and effort on our part to pass through this incredibly difficult storm.

This trial brought us to our knees.  Our prayers were heard and have been answered in many ways over time.  We have looked to each other for comfort and help.  We study our church doctrine and have faith in the eternal nature of families.  We firmly believe we will see Zach again, along with other loved ones who have passed on. 

We faithfully serve in our church assignments.  Shortly after Zach’s passing, I was asked to serve in the Special Needs Mutual.  It was an incredible blessing to work with these beautiful Celestial people.  I have always felt that Heavenly Father knew that I had “special needs” and gave me these very special friends who greatly blessed my life.

We attend the temple often.  The temple is where we bind families for time and all eternity.  My experiences there are too sacred to share in this venue.  But those experiences have taught me, lifted me, and let me know often that our Father in Heaven is ever aware of my every heartache and need.  I can honestly say I would go through those doors with the heaviest of heart, and leave having the strength to continue on.  

We serve in our community.  We exercise.  Mark much more so than me!  He is our marathon man as he #runswithourangel. 

These are but a few of the things we do to “progress.”  We cannot sit idly by hoping that we will get a simple fix, that it will all go away, or that we will wake up from this nightmare and it will all have disappeared. 

We need to get up everyday.  Pray.  Study.  Work.  Serve.  Love.  Exercise.  Find gratitude.  Get ready for the day.  And then, start all over again the next day.  If we could only see ALL the angels cheering us on each and every minute of the day…  that particular thought makes me smile and brings me peace.  Especially since one of those angels is our Zach.

For you dear parents who have lost a child through suicide or other ways, I say to you that days do get brighter.  You can smile again.  You can laugh again.  You can find joy again.  And the most important thing to know is that your child wants you to be happy.  We know Zach is happy.

Through all this, the word that has continually come to my mind is gratitude.  I am grateful for the things I have learned through this trial.  I am grateful for Mark, his friendship, his love, and his kind and forgiving heart.  I am grateful for a heart that believes that this life is not the end.  I am grateful for my eternal family.  I am grateful for my journey through grief.  I am grateful for Zach.  I love him and miss him, each and every day.  Remembering the beautiful and wonderful things about his life brings me joy, brings me comfort, and brings me peace.  Remembering his awesome drumming and how much he enjoyed drumming makes me smile… pretty big.

I love the song “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.”  A friend posted it on his wall and I have listened to it over and over and over again.  I hope those of you who have found yourself in the same shoes as Mark and I can begin to “feel the sun,” because “your journey’s just begun.”  And remember, “In this moment, heaven’s working everything for your good.”

And now... watch the video again!

Below is a link to a beautiful talk Elder Holland gave that addresses mental health.

Like a Broken Vessel by Elder Holland