First, listen to this song.
Then if you desire, continue reading.
Recently, I have had several people come to me for help in
regards to friends who have lost children.
More specifically, I have been asked to help friends who have lost
children to suicide, and parents who have children contemplating suicide. Mark and I were also asked to consider
sharing our story in an even more public forum.
However, we declined for numerous personal reasons.
I decided, for Valentine’s Day, to share what is in my heart
in regards to Zach’s death and the topic of suicide. I share it specifically for those who have
lost a loved one to suicide and pray that my words will somehow lift and
encourage you. I also share our story
from a heart that is in a good place at this time in my life.
On December 11, 2011, our sweet Zach hanged himself. Mark found him and together we took him
down. Mark desperately tried CPR, but
has seen death enough to know that Zach had been gone for more than an
hour. Most of that horrific night is
still yet a blur. The police came. The ambulance came. They put our son’s body in a body bag and
left it open at his face where I could kiss his head.
As you may well imagine, we were left with the ever-pressing
question of “why.” Zach left us no
note. We had noticed some changes in
Zach’s behavior, but attributed most of it to teenage hormones. A few months passed and we discovered the reason
that led to Zach doing what he thought was his only way to relieve his
suffering. I won’t go into all the
particulars, but suffice it to say, someone we trusted hurt him in a way that
could not be remedied. His soul was in
utter anguish, and he obviously felt he had no one to turn to for help.
As Mark and I have done a “play by play” playback of the
last six months of his life, we each have recalled various times of those “red
flag moments.” “Why didn’t I see this?” “Why didn’t I do something when he said that?” All this coupled with the could haves, should
haves, and would haves, had we known what was going on in his head and
heart. Sadly, we didn’t.
As far as my knowledge of suicide goes, I will leave that to
the professionals to better assist in those situations. They have the knowledge and skillset, and are
equipped to address and aid those who may be contemplating suicide. With
that said, suicide is becoming a problem amongst our young people. There is an urgency to help with this
incredibly deadly disease. There is an
urgency for making people aware. This is
probably the reason Mark and I were sought out.
This is the sole reason for this post. We decided to share our journey through grief in the hopes that it may offer some sort of help.
We cannot change what Zach did. We cannot bring him back. Bad things happen. And as we have learned, our personal response
to trials is paramount in our healing process.
Perhaps the most important decision that Mark and I made was to turn our
hearts to our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ. We cannot go through this storm without faith
that everything will be made right in the end.
We cannot go through this trial finding blame or letting anger control
our actions or thoughts. We cannot go
through this trial without our loved ones.
But, we had to go through this trial with every ounce of faith we could
muster. This was going to take an
immense amount of work and effort on our part to pass through this incredibly
difficult storm.
This trial brought us to our knees. Our prayers were heard and have been answered
in many ways over time. We have looked
to each other for comfort and help. We
study our church doctrine and have faith in the eternal nature of
families. We firmly believe we will see
Zach again, along with other loved ones who have passed on.
We faithfully serve in our church assignments. Shortly after Zach’s passing, I was asked to
serve in the Special Needs Mutual. It was
an incredible blessing to work with these beautiful Celestial people. I have always felt that Heavenly Father knew
that I had “special needs” and gave me these very special friends who greatly
blessed my life.
We attend the temple often.
The temple is where we bind families for time and all eternity. My experiences there are too sacred to share
in this venue. But those experiences
have taught me, lifted me, and let me know often that our Father in Heaven is
ever aware of my every heartache and need.
I can honestly say I would go through those doors with the heaviest of
heart, and leave having the strength to continue on.
We serve in our community.
We exercise. Mark much more so
than me! He is our marathon man as he #runswithourangel.
These are but a few of the things we do to “progress.” We cannot sit idly by hoping that we will get
a simple fix, that it will all go away, or that we will wake up from this
nightmare and it will all have disappeared.
We need to get up everyday.
Pray. Study. Work.
Serve. Love. Exercise. Find gratitude. Get ready for the day. And then, start
all over again the next day. If we could
only see ALL the angels cheering us on each and every minute of the day… that particular thought makes me smile and
brings me peace. Especially since one of
those angels is our Zach.
For you dear parents who have lost a child through suicide
or other ways, I say to you that days do get brighter. You can smile again. You can laugh again. You can find joy again. And the most important thing to know is that
your child wants you to be happy. We
know Zach is happy.
Through all this, the word that has continually come to my
mind is gratitude. I am grateful for the
things I have learned through this trial.
I am grateful for Mark, his friendship, his love, and his kind and
forgiving heart. I am grateful for a
heart that believes that this life is not the end. I am grateful for my eternal family. I am grateful for my journey through
grief. I am grateful for Zach. I love him and miss him, each and every
day. Remembering the beautiful and
wonderful things about his life brings me joy, brings me comfort, and brings me
peace. Remembering his awesome drumming
and how much he enjoyed drumming makes me smile… pretty big.
And now... watch the video again!
Below is a link to a beautiful talk Elder Holland gave that addresses mental health.
Like a Broken Vessel by Elder Holland
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