Today marks the 4th anniversary since Zach’s
passing.Where has the time
gone???!!!!
I well remember the day like it was yesterday~obviously, it
is a day I will remember for the duration of my mortal life.As I have been pondering the events of that
day and time, I recall many telling me “no one should have to lose a child,” or
“no one should have to bury their child.”I had some letters written to me from people, I do not know, telling me I
need to be mad at God or mad when people tell me Zach is in a “better
place.”
The interesting thing about that time in my life is that I
found myself in a much different place~sorting through grief, lifting my
husband sorting through his grief, lifting my children sorting through their grief,
lifting Zach’s friends, and eventually turning it all over to God.He is, after all, in charge, you know?!
I prayed with an intensity I never had before.I read the scriptures.I attended the temple.I attended all my church meetings.I served with all my heart, might, mind, and
strength.(P.S.~ALL of which, I continue
to do today).And by making all those
things a part of my daily life coupled with looking to my Savior and my loving
Father in Heaven, my life has been deeply blessed.I have been able to feel my Savior succor me,
lift me, and simply love me through this time.
We live in a world where people are forgetting God and
forgetting our Savior.And with that,
there is turmoil, confusion, contention, dishonesty, and the list goes on.We are becoming a very divided country.How do we get back to “one nation under
God?”I simply think we need to look to
Him in every aspect of our lives.Trials
will always be a part of our mortal lives; there is just no way of getting
around it.Instead of bitterness, look
for what we can learn.Instead of
turning into ourselves, look for how we can give.Instead of turning away from God, look to Him
with gratitude for giving you your life, and for those precious feelings of
being able to love.When I think about
how much I dearly love my family, I feel as if I have been afforded a mere
“glimpse” of how much our Father in Heaven and Savior love me.
This beautiful Christmas Season, choose to take your time
and not be in a rush.Especially, choose
to be kind.Choose to find forgiveness in your hearts for
those who may have hurt you.This will
personally bring you the much-needed peace in your life.Choose to find the joy in Christmas.Each of us has been given the greatest gift
of all, our Savior.His life, His love,
His atoning sacrifice are blessings eternal.Yes, with all the “No one should have to’s,” each of us can choose to
turn our hearts to Him.It is Him, who
can help to conquer anything.
P.S.A few months
ago, I attended a funeral for a sweet little girl who passed away at the age of
five.The funeral was absolutely
beautiful and an incredible tribute to this little angel.A song that was written and sung by Lyndsi
Houskeeper, at the funeral, touched me and I wanted to share it with you.It is titled, “A Moment.”
Zach~you are missed each and everyday and will be until we
see you again.I love you and miss
everything that was “freaking awesome” to you.Love~Mom
Make sure to put your cursor over the link so you can hear this beautiful song below:
The past few months have truly taken me out of my comfort zone as far as
adventures go. As Mark and I spend
“quality” time together, he has found different things for us to experience and
do. Understand, I am SUPER outgoing and
love to do fun things… that are relatively safe. Mark, however, is SUPER shy and loves to push
the limits of adventure. Let me share
some of what I am talking about.
Back at the beginning of September, we headed to Hawaii.Most people think (me included), you go and
relax at the beach with a great book, nap a little, swim a little, read a
little… you get the picture.But, when
you are with Mark, get ready, you will investigate every nook and cranny and
use every ounce of daylight to do so.Before we even arrived in Hawaii, Mark had already planned out what we would
do… everyday… every minute!I won’t
share all the details, but I will share two experiences.
The first was that we had to awake at 1:45am, picked up by 2:15am by the tour guide, and
then taken to the top of Haleakala (which is the top of the volcano in Maui) to
watch the sunrise.We went from 85
degrees to about 45 degrees… it was COLD (especially with the wind chill)!We were to watch the magnificent sun rise in
the wee hours of the morning.We caught
a few glimpses.However, due to the
heavy cloud cover, we did not get the full experience of that.Directly after, we met back up with our group
and headed to our launch point.Instead
of riding back down in the van, we were going BIKE down, 26.2 miles, bounding
around hairpin curves down the steep slope of Haleakala.Remember, my adventuresome nature is very
limited.
Things I learned:
Whatever
you do, do NOT squeeze your left hand brake.I am glad I had to watch the safety video before embarking, as I am a
visual person.I made a BIG mental note,
keep left hand on the handle bar, no where near that left brake.
When going
around a right hairpin curve, make sure your right pedal and leg are down.If your forget to do this, no worries.The guide will yell, “RIGHT LEG DOWN!”You will then begin to talk to yourself and
tell yourself, “right leg down, right leg down.”
When going
around a left hairpin curve, make sure your left pedal and leg are down.If you forget to do this, no worries.The guide will yell, “LEFT LEG DOWN!”Again, you will begin to tell yourself, “left
leg down, left leg down.”
Fear of
going to fast, BRAKE!I had a very sore
hand from squeezing the right brake.
Enjoy the
ride.This took a few minutes until I
could trust the bike, the guide, and myself.Once we descended below the cloud cover, the views were
spectacular.I was grateful we could
stop a few times to take pictures and revel in the beauty all around us.
Courage.Find courage to enjoy the adventure.For me, this is always a huge leap to
take.Once I do, I am always glad I
found that courage.
View from one of our stops
Our Ride
They made the old couple pose like the young ones...
The next adventure was our snorkeling
adventure.I really do enjoy
snorkeling.Being able to have your face
in the water and being able to breath while you discover the ocean floor’s gems
is always enjoyable.When we began our
boat ride out to Molokini, one of the shipmates came up to tell us about
“Snuba.”Snuba is a combination of Snorkel and Scuba.The furthest you can descend is 12 feet.A tube that supplies your oxygen is strapped
to your person and tethers you from a little dingy that floats up top.
Mark had not heard of this before, but he signed
both of us up right there!I began
saying all kinds of prayers as I was a little (UNDER exaggerated) frightened
about the whole breathing through the tube, pressurizing your head, blowing
water out of your mask thing.We entered
the water and Mark went straight down.Me, I hung on to the dingy with a death grip.After the third time of the guide asking me
how I was doing, I decided to descend.Now mind you, I descended holding my air tube all the way down.Ha!
Guess what??It was spectacular!Even when the
3+ foot white tip reef shark came bolting out of nowhere, the views were
incredible.Why was I so afraid?I have no idea other than the adventure was
taking me out of my comfort zone, being in control, and the unknown.Courage.I mustered my courage and it paid off with spectacular scenery I would
not have seen skimming the top snorkeling.Is scuba diving in my future…I
don’t know that I have gotten THAT brave yet!
I am FINALLY coming down
hanging on to my tube, of course!
Finally down with Mark, I did finally
let go of my tube :)
An eel peeking out at us
Sea urchin
The next adventure happened this past weekend when
Mark signed me up to hike with him, his brother, niece, and nephew.The hike was to Orderville Canyon.Twelve+ miles.Hardest.hike.I.ever.have.taken!
It was a somewhat “rocky” trail, hiking mostly
downhill, using ropes to get down to the next level (that usually landed us in
some VERY cold water), traversing the mud, and ending up in Zion’s Narrows and
hiking about 2 miles through the Virgin River (50+ degree water).
We saw some incredibly beautiful slot canyons
(fortunately NO RAIN!!!).At one point,
everyone asked if I wanted to stop and rest.My answer was an emphatic “No!”I
just wanted the exhaustion and pain to end!The final mile was on a paved path that led to the buses to take us back
to the main parking lot.Every part of
me ached~seriously!!!
Happy Hikers
At the trail head
Of course we are happy!
First time going down a rock like this...
I was SO nervous!!!
As I was riding the bus back to the parking lot, I truly was overcome with emotions.Yes.I began to cry (as privately as I could).The exhaustion from the hike really tapped into those protected heartstrings.I recalled Zach’s last pictures taken at Zion, just a few months before he died.As I looked at Observation Point, I remembered how much he loved that hike.He hiked with Mark, Rachel, and her BYU roommates.In that moment, I really missed him, his infectious laugh, and his love for life.Coupled with that, I also felt his reassurance that he is alright and happy.With the warm sun in my face, the beautiful scenery surrounding us, and being with the people I love, my heart felt peace. Upon arriving at the parking lot, I hopped off the
bus and headed for this stone wall.I
sat on it and removed my long sleeve wet shirt, my wet leggings, my wet shoes,
and my wet socks.At which point, I
carefully laid down on the warm stone wall.I opened my eyes because I could hear people talking about me, only to
see them taking a picture of me… just great! Ha! I somehow cracked my elbow(probably when I was swinging back and
forth~not intentionally) as I was using a tether to get down a section of
rock.I remember Jeremy asking, “What
are you doing Wendy?”And me replying,
“I am just trying to get down!”The
problem was that I did not want to land too deep in the frigid water.I think you can guess the outcome of that!
So, why share all of this? Simply, because… Because, if it were not for Mark’s adventurous
spirit, I would probably NEVER try any of this! If I opted to stay home, I wouldn’t ride a
bike down a volcano going 18-30mph, OR Snuba, OR have sharks circle me, OR
stingrays climbing on me, OR hiking twelve+ miles in challenging conditions
(for me that is). But the truth of the
matter is, I like being wherever Mark is or involved in whatever he likes
doing. I don’t know if I could do
Orderville Canyon again, but I am sure he will come up with some other adventure
for us to try. And yes, he has signed us
up to swim with the sharks once again in Tahiti. And, as Joseph B. Wirthlin once said, “Come
what may and love it!” Life really is a
rollercoaster, I just need to relax and enjoy the ride.
Instead of sending this to many of you, my friends, I decided to post the talk I have been giving in Ward Conferences in our Stake. Some of the stories, you have heard or read before. I used several of them for examples of how the "Atonement" has blessed my life.
Each of us face trials, that is one of the facts of life. I hope what I share below will bless and help you in some small way. Look to our Savior for His love, guidance, and assurance that all will be well. For, in time, peace can be found.
My
message to you today is one of hope in brighter tomorrows.
In Luke chapter 4:18 it reads:
18 The aSpirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath banointed me to cpreach the dgospel to the
epoor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to fpreachgdeliverance to the hcaptives, and
recovering of sight to the blind, to set at iliberty them that are bruised,
I would like to take a moment to share my testimony of the
divine gift of the Atonement.It is
through the Atonement that our Savior can succor our wounds to heal the
brokenhearted, the bruised, and the afflicted.It is my prayer that I can share with you my testimony that through the
power of the Atonement, I, personally, have been comforted and blessed with
healing from the loss of our sweet son Zach.
I am going to share some photos that are very personal to me. Unbeknownst to us, a dear friend took many
photos of the second saddest day in my life, the day we buried our son
Zach.I would like to share a few of
those photos with you.
A.
As I look at these photos and retrace that time in life, I feel
the crashing waves of sadness, grief, and intense pain.It was a difficult time to be sure.
Now, I would like to show you some happy pictures.
B.
How do we get from A to B?
I want to testify that through the Atonement, anything is
possible.Each of us has or is
navigating through some trial or perhaps a tragedy. As we look to our Savior, He can bless and
help each of us safely navigate through the most difficult of times.
As Sister Carolyn J. Rasmus stated in an address given at a BYU
Women’s Conference in 2006, she said, “Christ stands ready with outstretched
arms as He waits for us to come unto Him and be encircled in the arms of His
love.It is here that we can be healed,
nourished, loved, enabled, strengthened, and made whole.Although the trial may be hard and the relief
may not be immediate, we need to learn to allow God to help carry our
burdens.We can do this by turning to
Him regularly to seek His enabling power.”
After Zach’s passing, the only place I knew to turn was to my
Father in Heaven and our Savior, Jesus Christ.I have been so richly blessed, sustained, lifted, and loved through this
trial.Enabling the Atonement to work in
my life has required my faith, personal scripture study, constant prayer,
attending all my church meetings, going to and experiencing the temple, and
especially serving.
I must say that from the beginning of my trial, our Father in
Heaven has not left me comfortless. As I
have done those necessary things to enable the Atonement to work in my life, I
have come to think of each of them as the necessary drops of oil for my lamp to
keep burning.I have had many beautiful
sacred experiences. Each one of us needs
to do those things, to enable the Atonement in our lives to keep our lamps
burning bright.When trials or tragedy
may strike, your testimony will be your rock because you kept your lamps
trimmed and filled with the oil that will fuel you through difficult journeys.
When I think of the parable of those prepared virgins, I think
about what they did to trim their lamps to keep them prepared and burning
bright.I’d like to think of them
filling their lamps with the oil of prayer, the oil of scripture study, the oil
of attending their church meetings, the oil of attending the temple, the oil of
service, and many other oils that are pure and good for the soul.
The night Zach passed away, I remember laying in bed and staring
into the abyss of darkness.At that
moment, three blessings, the first of many that have come my way, came.First, a scripture came to mind from Proverbs
3:5-6:“Lean not to thine own
understanding,” and “trust in the Lord.”Then a hymn came to my mind, “Sweet is the Peace the Gospel
Brings.”And third, I literally felt the
many prayers in my behalf envelope me in a blanket of comfort.This, of course, strengthened my faith.My faith is oil for my lamp.
The second day after Zach’s passing, it was apparent that the
weight of everything was going to fall on me.From preparing the funeral, to dressing Zach, lifting my husband,
children, and all Zach’s friends, I was feeling a heavy burden. In a prayer I offered that day, I pleaded with
my Father for strength and faith to carry out all that was going to be required
of me.I will never forget standing and
feeling His arm around me telling me, “you can do this.”Prayer has been essential to my healing
process.Prayer is oil for my lamp.
Studying and pondering the scriptures has been essential in my
life.For throughout my trial, countless
times a scripture has come to my mind and it usually has been one that has
taught me and brought me comfort.And
where I may have heard that passage of scripture before, there has been new
light that has come forth from it.The
scriptures give oil to my lamp.
Serving adds purpose and meaning to your life.As I was sitting with my husband in a Sacrament
meeting several months ago, I recalled an event that happened shortly after
Zach’s passing.We were actually in
Sacrament meeting and the Bishop had stood to begin the meeting.All of a sudden, Mark, my husband, got up and
walked to where the Deacons were sitting.That particular day, there weren’t quite enough Deacons to pass the
Sacrament. Mark took a seat where Zach would have been sitting, if he were
here, to help pass the Sacrament.It was
humbling to watch to be sure.I remember
watching Mark humbly and reverently passing the Sacrament.And to this day, I feel as if Zach was
walking along side his father to help.Performing that particular act of service blessed Mark’s life that day,
as well as blessing mine, and all those who received the Sacrament from him
that day.Serving is oil for our lamp.
Attending my meetings, no matter how I was feeling, has been
essential to keeping the faith and putting oil in my lamp.Paying attention to the messages and
listening with the intent to learn has blessed my life.And on many occasions, there has been a
message just for me.
One such message came at our Stake Conference last December,
just for me.For whatever reason, in
December, I had been struggling with the third anniversary of Zach’s death.I was not going to be at Stake Conference as
our daughter was scheduled for a c-section that same week.While I wanted to help my daughter, I had
this incredible feeling that I needed to be at Stake Conference.
I cannot even describe my inner most desire to attend Stake
Conference, but my daughter needed my help and I needed to be there to help
her.Little miracles began to
happen.Chelsea went into pre-term labor
5 weeks early and delivered this beautiful sweet piece of heaven.I ended up going up in November to help
Chelsea out as the baby needed to be in the hospital for almost 2 weeks.Baby and Mom came home and both are doing
well.And, my prayer/desire to attend Stake
Conference was granted.
At the Sunday session of Stake Conference, when Amy began to share her conversion story, I just knew I wanted to hear it.As you may recall, Amy is one of twelve
children, raised in a Catholic family.Her brother Kris had come to live with Amy and her family for what would
be the last two years of his life.He
was tragically killed in a motorcycle accident.His funeral left her with no hope of ever seeing her brother again, and
this is where Amy’s journey began.She
had a wonderful family, the Kiel family, take her in and unbeknownst to Amy,
she had all the missionary discussions.She decided to take the discussions for herself, but just could not
commit to being baptized.
Her daughter, Lindsay, came home from school one day, and told Amy that
she wanted to attend the funeral of one of her friends.Amy’s first response was no as she
remembered how traumatic her brother’s funeral was.However, she had a feeling that she needed to come.Imagine my surprise to hear her say Zach’s
name and that it was Zach’s funeral she came to.
Amy recalls that the moment she came through the doors of this
very building, she felt something different, something that enveloped her.She then pointed where she sat and for two
hours she cried.She said, “these were
different tears, these were happy tears.”At the conclusion of the funeral, she then knew that she would see her
brother Kris again.She said she
“thanked her missionary on the other side of the veil” as she left.She was baptized nearly a month later on a day that just happens to be my birthday.
Amy also shared that Zach had been with her for three years to
share this particular part of her story that day.She had never shared this particular part of
her story before, until Stake Conference.She didn’t understand “why” Zach kept at her
to share this part of her story until she met me that day.I knew that Zach wanted me to know that he is
near.Also, I received a mini mission
report from Zach of what he is doing now on the other side of the veil, through
Amy that day.We most certainly have a
merciful Father in Heaven who is aware of each and every one of us.Three years down this journey, I was blessed
to hear words that brought me great comfort and an insurmountable amount of
peace.I am so grateful that Amy
listened to the Spirit that day.Attending our meetings most certainly can put oil in our lamps.
**(I actually posted her talk on my blog post on 3/10/15~you will have to request permission to view it, if you want to hear her talk~she IS wonderful!!!!)
I want to close with a personal story.About 8 years ago, a sister who was in
the Stake Young Women presidency, at that time, asked me if our family would be
willing to participate in a Stake Youth Temple Fireside—to be held at the St.
George Temple.Mark, Rachel, Zach, and I
were asked to all dress in white.Mark,
Rachel, & I were to be standing by the temple as if we were waiting for
Zach to come back to us on the other side of the veil.
The youth were seated on the patio facing away from us.Standing in front of the youth, Zach
sang“Families Are Forever.”After our family finished singing the chorus,
he crossed the bushes and came running into our arms and we lovingly and
excitedly embraced him-welcoming him home.I had completely forgotten about this experience.It wasn’t until a brother and his
daughter performed a musical number, almost a year after Zach passed away, that
I was given the recollection of it.As they
began their musical number, I well remember feeling as if someone was sitting
next to me and whispered, “Do you remember when…,” giving me that particular
memory back.At which point, I turned to
Mark and asked “Do you remember when our family performed at the temple and
Zach sang, ‘I have a family here on earth?”We both began to cry as we remembered this sweet and tender experience.Zach does, in fact, have a family here on
earth and we will see him again one day.
I testify that by doing these small and simple things, by
exercising your faith, each of you will be able to access the power of the
Atonement.I am grateful to a Father in
Heaven who hears and answers my prayers.I am grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His infinite atoning
sacrifice that has succored me through one of the most difficult times in my
life.While I still shed tears over the
loss of Zach, there is healing.And
several years down the road, we cantake pictures that show joy, happiness, and even peace.
Zach's birthday at the
Tree of Life lighting
Another birthday balloon send-off
My marathon man
Goofy picture, but it is...
our favorite place~Emerald Isle
