There seems to be a first time for everything lately…

I once read a blog post of a woman who had lost a child and the only thing she felt people needed to know about her was that she lost a child. I find myself in that category many times. That fact is simply part of me now. That particular part of me feels, knows and understands great loss. BUT coupled with that, I also want people to know that I am a woman of great faith~even more important, I want my family to know that I am a woman of great faith. My faith is my rock, and even in my tearful moments, my faith is what seems to carry me through my sorrows and tears.

It seems as if Zach’s birthday came and went as in the blink of an eye (cliché…I know). I worked at the Temple Friday morning, and Friday afternoon, Aaron and I went and purchased the balloon bouquet for the send off at the tree lighting. I owe thanks to Denise, a friend of mine who has also lost a son, for the idea of launching the birthday balloons. I also cut up cardstock for anyone, who wanted to, to write Zach a note and they attached their notes to the balloons. The bouquet was LOADED with notes from so many of our friends that it truly warmed my heart. It warmed my heart to SEE how MANY came to the tree lighting!!! I am grateful to all who did come.

Around 9ish, the tree lit up. When it did, everyone was silent and admiring the beauty of the tree with all its different lights. After a few minutes, Mark went up and thanked everyone for coming. He also told everyone that it is still hard as we miss Zach each and every day. However, we know he is happy and truly know that he is engaged in a far greater work~he was needed back in Paradise to do a far greater work.

After that, we gave everyone last minute chances to write notes before we let the balloons go. Rachel let the balloons go with all our messages to Zach. It seems as if the balloons hung in the air and then very slowly floated away. At that moment, I had the distinct impression that Zach was looking at us smiling while holding onto his balloons and then he carried them away. That was such a great moment and still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. He is and will always be missed in our home…a simple fact of life.

A friend who lost her husband many years ago came to visit me this past weekend. She told me that the first year IS full of firsts without your loved one. First Christmas. First Birthday. First Mother’s Day. First Father’s Day…and the list goes on. I think I would also like to include in the list of first’s: the first time I held him after he was born. The first time he smiled then giggled. The first time he wrapped his little arms around my neck to hug me and then kiss me with sweet slobbery lips! J The first time he crawled and his first step. His first word. Then on to his later years…the first Karate lesson~the first time he got his first belt advancement. The first time he played golf. The first time he BANGED on his drums…we were so worried about the investment we had made after that! Then, the first time he made sweet rhythmic beats on those drums~music to our ears.

While there is a year of firsts without him, I have ALL the memories of the FIRST’s with him. They are sweet memories, near and dear to my heart and as in Peter Pan…they are my happy thoughts!