“Getting over it” versus “Coping with our new reality”

I have wanted to write about this topic MANY times since Zach’s passing.  My hope is to express “my” opinions, experiences, and feelings in such a way that helps others to understand that “coping,” faith, and family has been our way to progress through the loss of Zach.  In truth, losing a child is simply not something you “get over.”

Since Zach’s passing, I have had a doctor give me a time frame for the grieving process.  I have had doctors want to prescribe me something to help me maneuver through the grieving process.  I have had numerous people ask, “Are you getting over it?”  I have listened to a woman tell a group about a young lady who “needs to get over her loss, it’s been a year… it’s time!”  (As a side-note, I happened to be listening to this the day after the anniversary of Zach’s death).  I have had several people show up to my home or send me letters telling me that we should sell our house as that will help us to “get over it.”  I could recount numerous stories that would curl your toenails!  Be that as it may, I am more than sure that many thought they had our best interest at heart.

Giving you all the juicy details of the variety of things people have said or done is not my purpose, I just wanted to give you a small sample of some things that have been said so that you may gain a tiny glimpse of understanding.  I also want to note that I in no way hold ANY sort of a grudge~a grudge is a pile of bricks you lug around…and I don’t need that!!!

Back to the matter at hand…

How can any one ever expect a parent to “get over” the loss of a child?  We brought these sweet little human beings into the world.  We were up all night with feedings.  We nursed them through times of being sick.  We kissed their bruises and bandaged their scrapes.  We played chase and pushed them in swings.  We laughed as they splashed us while bathing in the tub.  Their giggle would make us giggle.  We held them as they sweetly fell asleep in our arms.  And in those moments, the world was right.  Our world was perfectly blessed by these wonderful people we call our children.  Zach most certainly blessed my life and through his passing, I have been humbled and tutored, and I have developed a deeper faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ.

The loss of a child is perhaps the single most devastating event a parent could ever be presented with.  It is NOT something we can simply “get over,” or “move on” from.  The night Zach died was so incredibly traumatic-in every possible way.  Cliché as it may sound, as long as I live; I will never forget the events of that night.  With that said, I believe with all my heart that our Father in Heaven wants us to progress…to press forward.  In order to do this, we had to learn to “cope” with the loss of Zach.  We had to learn how to “cope” with our new reality…an earthly existence without Zach physically here with us.

Coping meant that we had to take those steps toward progression. We needed to begin to draw from things that were uplifting and comforting, things that would indeed help us to progress.  I have met some who have not been able to progress from grief to coping.  I have also met many who are years down the road in their progression of the loss of their child who have valiantly managed to cope.  I want to be on that same road of “progression,” as that road brings comfort, peace, and healing.

I look at learning to cope as learning survival skills.  What can I do to survive this tragedy in my life~emotionally and spiritually?  If you have been following my blog, then you know what I do in order to cope/survive.  And, there are many things that have blessed my life and truly have helped me in coping with the loss of Zach.  I want to be engaged in those things that make me feel as if I am making a small difference somewhere in this world. 

Recently, I met a woman who not only lost her husband, but also two children.  One of her children passed away several years ago and the other just recently.  As I was talking with her, and because I needed to know for myself, I asked her, “Do you still mourn the loss of your son?”  Her reply was, “you never get over the loss of a child.”  I understand her thoughts on this completely, and was validated! 

Instead of asking “are you getting over it?” ask “how are you coping?”  The “coping” question can open many doors of profound and meaningful conversation.  There seems to be something much more positive with coping.  Coping means surviving.  Coping means you are finding the tools to help you survive.  Coping means you are learning.  Coping means you are looking for the sunrise, yet have come to fully appreciate the sunset.  Coping means you have found strength~your inner strength. Coping means you are progressing.  Cope does in fact rhyme with hope.  When we are coping, we are hoping for brighter tomorrows.  And, they do come.

I love this talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin: (just click on the link)
"Sunday Will Come"

I also love this message on eternal families:
Mountains to Climb