I have so many “feels” this year as I ponder yet another year, nine to be exact, without our Zachy boy. As I go back to that moment in time of when we found Zach’s lifeless body, there are so many emotions that surface from that incredibly heartbreaking experience. I well remember calling 9-1-1, the ambulance coming, the police arriving, the coroner to pronounce Zach dead giving us an approximate time of death, and then his lifeless body in a black body bag. I kissed that young man of mine’s forehead before they zipped up the bag and wheeled him out of our home, his home. For me, there truly could not have been a more difficult experience to go through and endure.
As I ponder that moment in time with all the deep feelings that go with losing a child to death, I have found my journey through grief has proven to teach me countless lessons. I draw immense strength through those lessons and I have deep gratitude for what I have learned.
I have learned that tears are my friend. They are cleansing. My tears let me know I can feel deeply and that I loved Zach unwaveringly. Tears, they quietly speak what my heart is feeling.
I have learned that prayer is essential. Pray in the morning, to ask for help with your day. Pray at night, to offer your thanks for your day. And simply, have a prayer in your heart all day. I have found help with the simplest to the most difficult of things through prayer.
I have learned reading the scriptures offers understanding, comfort, and peace. I listened to an interview of a politician who is under scrutiny in regards to our recent election. What impressed me most was toward the end of his interview. He spoke of losing his son to drug addiction and how his faith in God has carried him through that trial. He also shared how reading the scriptures helps him not only with the loss of his son, but also with all the threats and chaos surrounding him. When asked if he could share a favorite scripture, he said he has been reading from the book of Psalms and that Chapter 37 in particular has been bringing him comfort. His story truly resonated with me. Because, there have been countless times when I have been reading the scriptures, or guided to read certain passages of scripture, or having a particular scripture come to mind, are when answers, comfort, and peace have come.
I have learned and come to appreciate how each and every one of us has trials. I have also learned and seen how the gospel makes a difference, offering hope. By having Jesus Christ in my life, the very foundation of my beliefs, peace and comfort have come. “Perspective.” Each personal experience I have had as I have journeyed through my grief has given me perspective, has elevated my faith with a promise for a brighter tomorrow.
I have learned that while life may not always be fair, God always is, because He is God! For every disappointment, suffering, pain, or heartache, He offers hope, He offers comfort, He offers peace. Those assurances can sustain and bless, if you will but turn your heart to Him.
I have learned to deeply appreciate life. To appreciate moments. To appreciate the ups as well as the downs. I have learned to appreciate the gift of family, the gift of friends, the gift of love. While my heart may ache when recalling a memory of Zach or by looking at a picture of Zach, I am grateful to know what a “Mother’s love” is. I am grateful for that son of mine. For all that he taught me in life and for all I have been taught and continue to learn through his death, I am grateful and blessed to have had thirteen and a half beautiful years with this incredible young man. Love is a gift.
Happy Angelversary Zach! You are loved. You are missed. And, I cherish each and every memory of you. Everyday.
