Today marks 11 years since Zach passed away on the 11th of December, 2011. I think of Zach often, and this time of year I have had many thoughts and feelings stirring in my soul. This blog post, I felt prompted to share some of my most personal of challenges, aka “trials.” While each of our challenges and trials are different, my hope and prayer is that you will feel, you are not alone. I pray you can put your faith and trust in our Savior. For He is the one and only one who can carry you through those difficult storms.
When Zach passed away, I told God that that was my trial. That was it. The end. Done.
Not so.
A few years later, another trial arrived. Mark underwent a surgery for a 3cm hole in his esophagus. It was touch and go, coupled with a long recovery and some long term “minor” issues. He passed through that portal of misery, with a little help from me, and has been trying to “run” ever since. I once again told God, ok, no more trials.
Not so.
Little did I know that yet another trial was lurking in my genetic make-up. Another trial. I had been having various medical issues over the years with “unexplained” causes/diagnoses. A few months ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, the culprit. In part, it causes chronic pain and enlists other diseases to attack my body. One of which causes crystals to develop in my body that in turn may cause tendon tears and possible tendon ruptures. I sometimes feel like Frankenstein when I walk…arms out and a side to side stiff legged walk. The medications I have been put on leave me immunosuppressed coupled with other side effects. Yes, I wear a mask when out of my house! My physician and I are still working on figuring out meds that will help, all the while I am doing all things to stay active and moving. As you might have guessed, I stopped telling God “no more trials!” Please understand, I do not share this for sympathy. I simply desire to express how important it is in this life to stay focused on the “eternal” aspects of life. Our Father in Heaven and our Savior Jesus Christ can and will guide us through these storms to bring us safely home.
Faith.
I do not believe God points his finger and says, “let Me give her this trial and see how she does,” nor do I believe that we hand picked our trials before coming to Earth. The God I believe in is kind. He is loving. He is merciful. He is forgiving. I have great faith in my Father in Heaven and in our Savior Jesus Christ. Looking to our Savior, I can see how He suffered incredibly difficult trials, far greater than anything I could ever imagine. Most certainly, He suffered and endured more than any and every pain I feel now. Enduring our trials with faith will most certainly lead to a “spiritual” calm and a peace only our Savior can offer.
Imperfections. Gratitude.
For me, what I have come to understand is that we chose to come to Earth to have an “Earthly” experience. We knew we would have trials when we came and we were able to “joyfully” accept that fact. We chose to have imperfect bodies, live in an imperfect world, and live amongst imperfect people. This life, albeit an imperfect one, is most certainly a blessing. Learning to maneuver through our imperfections is perhaps the greatest of opportunities we can have to grow closer to our Savior Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. As I am learning how to maneuver through my physical challenges, I realize more each day that my imperfect body is a gift. The body, my body, is truly a marvelous work and a wonder, and our Grand Creator gave me mine. Even when it does not work as well as I would like and sometimes fails me, I am eternally grateful for this gift.
Zach.
Eleven years ago today, on a Sunday, you left this world, our world. I miss your “So, How’s it been doing?” I miss going with you to get you a Baconator at Wendy’s, and having your Dad (the cardiologist) scold us every time. I miss your infectious smile. I miss watching you do Karate and you screaming the loudest when your Karate teacher, Aaron Reis, would get you to yell. I miss hearing you play the drums. I miss having you come up and randomly give me a hug. I just… miss ALL things Zach… I miss you! I will always miss you!
I have thought about you every day since your passing. I have wondered if you realize how much I do think about you. I have actually pondered if you are still near and involved in our lives from the other side of the veil. Then this past week, out of the blue, I had an experience that let me know you are still involved in my life. I was checking out at Kneaders, and after this young woman rang me up, she asks me my name. I told her Wendy, and then she asked if my last name was Pulsipher. I told her yes. Of course, I had the question written all over my face, “how do you know me?” She then shared how her brother had Karate lessons with Zach and that they received their black belts together. She also shared with me that she still has Zach’s “RIP” bracelets along with sharing a few other things. I had to give her a hug and then thanked her with grateful tears. I do not know if she will ever know how she was an answer to my pressing thoughts about Zach. For me, you see, she was my little angel, Zach’s messenger, to let me know he is still around. Zach is our beautifully missed angel.
If you made it this far, I am grateful for your time. Instead of saying, “thanks for watching” as Zach used to say, I will say “thanks for reading.” Wishing each of you a Merry Christmas and a very Hopeful Happy New Year.
