For days turn into weeks and the weeks have turned into months and now we are at a year...There is a Reason to Celebrate the Season

As many of you know, December 11^th will mark a year to the date that Zach has been gone.  Truly, it is difficult to think back to this time last year.  I well remember sitting at the counter working on my final paper.  Mark was cooking dinner and had just finished setting the table when he went downstairs to get Zach to come eat with us.  He usually would call him for supper, but he felt impressed to go down and get him.  Little did he know that he would find that our sweet son’s spirit had left this mortal existence.  Shock, horror, grief coupled with intense pain are words that could probably begin to describe the feelings and emotions felt at that moment in time.  I don’t believe that the realities of that evening will ever leave my mind or heart in this life.  It is the night and the time in my life that has forever changed me.

This year, Thanksgiving was very quiet.  A year ago, Zach ate with us, and how he loved his turkey and mashed potatoes.  A year ago, he was flaunting his rock hard abs and flexing his biceps and just being a typical 13 year-old young man.  As with the sweet nostalgic memories of him in the past, the future seems to carry our lives forward with many sweet and beautiful things to see, to look forward to, and to be a part of.  Of recent, our daughter Rachel was able to go to the temple to receive her endowment.  It was a beautiful evening, and to watch her absorb and love every moment brought joy to my heart.  We know that Zach was with us that evening.

Christmas this year will be quiet—just Rachel, Mark, and me.  Although it will be quiet, we have something to look forward to.  The day after Christmas the other kids along with Mom will arrive, and we will head to the St. George Temple to do Zach’s work.  Our entire family will have the opportunity to be there in this beautiful edifice of the Lord.  I envision that day to be an incredibly joyous one—perhaps greater than my mere mortal mind can even begin to comprehend.  Contrast those feelings of peace, joy, happiness, and comfort to the feelings of the night he passed away and you have a person who is progressing forward and beginning to find the joy in the journey again.

I have often pondered those last few weeks of Zach’s life and reflected on the many cherished things that transpired.  In those last weeks, Zach would fall asleep with the light on in his room.  I would go into his room and I distinctly remember looking at him, while he was sleeping, and remember thinking how handsome he was.  I would then rub my hand on his head and kiss his forehead and whisper, “I love you.”  After doing such, I would turn the light out.  I have often wondered if he knew I was there and heard me.  On one occasion, Zach and I went to DI to tie quilts for service project hours that he needed for a merit badge.  After tying quilts for six hours he said, “Mom, we need to go do that again because that was fun.”  Amazing!  He truly found joy in service.  We had Thanksgiving together with his sisters who were able to spend time with him.  His last Scout Court of Honor, he advanced in rank and I have a picture of him pinning me~the last to be taken with him before his passing.  The night before he passed, we had gone to dinner with his good friend Andy, and he had dared Andy to eat a teaspoonful of wasabi.  He videoed the entire event on his ipod—he was laughing all the way through.  His laugh was infectious.  Perhaps one of my sweetest memories is when I had gone into his room, the day before he passed, to put some of his laundry away.  He was sitting at his desk and turned to me as I came out of his closet and said, “Mom, I love you.”  He then got up and came over to me.  He put his arm around me and again said, “I really do love you Mom.”  Those were such sweet and comforting words from a 13 year-old young man~my son.

I have many memories of him that truly bring me comfort, strength, and most certainly a smile.  A year ago, I did not think I would be able to move forward as moving forward seemed to be a process of letting go.  For me, letting go seemed to equate forgetting.  The good news is that I can move forward without forgetting, with the gift of recalling every sweet memory of my son.  For, "God gave us memories so that there would be roses in December."

On one occasion this past year, I considered giving up working with the Special Needs Mutual when I felt a prompting, as clear as the blue sky, that that is where I am needed.  I contemplated not decorating for Christmas but then felt as if Zach would really want me to.  When I have found myself finding ways to be homebound, promptings have come to extricate and thrust me into situations where I am serving—I believe with all my heart this is what the Lord would have me do—this is what Zach expects of his mother.  I love serving and for me serving is healing.

I did not think I would be able to listen to Christmas music, but I have felt great comfort in doing so.  In particular, songs that pertain to our Savior and his birth speak to the very depths of my soul.  They bring me joy.  They bring me comfort.  They bring me peace.  For our Savior came into this world and bore all things that we may have the opportunity to live with our Father in Heaven, with Him, and with our families again one day.  I rejoice in that knowledge with an even deeper appreciation for the Reason we celebrate this season. 

To all of my family, friends, and Zach’s friends~I hope you find the “reason” we celebrate this season.  For in John 3:16-17 states,

“16 For ^aGod so ^bloved the ^cworld, that he ^dgave his ^eonly begotten ^fSon, that whosoever ^gbelieveth in him should not perish, but have ^heverlasting ⁱlife.

 17 For God ^asent not his Son into the world to ^bcondemn the world; but that the world through him might be ^csaved.”

I celebrate Christmas because I indeed do celebrate the birth of our Savior.  I would be remiss if I did not express my gratitude to and for my Savior.  I am grateful for His life, His example, His teachings, and most of all for His great atoning sacrifice.  It is through Him, by Him, and for Him that I am able to journey forward.  In facing my trial, the magnitude of which is vaster than myself, I have never felt abandoned or alone.  In my heartsick moments, He carries me, He holds me, and most of all He loves me.  Furthermore, I have many blessings to be grateful for.  I am grateful for prayer, for my testimony, for incredible leaders who have accepted the call to lead and guide, for scriptures, for hymns, for beautiful friends, and for my incredible family that continues to bless my life each and every day. 

Since the Christmas season is about giving, I want to end with a quote from President Thomas S. Monson:

“He who gives money gives much,

he who gives time gives more,

but he who gives of himself gives all.”

I hope to find myself at all times and in all places~giving my all.  For, I believe this is a path that will help to lead me home.  I wish each of you a very Merry Christmas with a Happy New Year!  I pray the warmth and the blessings of this Christmas season will fill your hearts and homes with love.

PS...I have attached a few videos

Enjoy this song by Hilary Weeks... "Christmastime"

If you would like, here is the video a friend of ours made for Zach's funeral...just a reminder that it is 30+ minutes in length of the young man--our son--that could bring a smile to anyone's face :)

Also, here is the short clip of his banana chair video he made~we found this after he passed and it is an example of his never ending love for adventure and life

And in Zach's words..."Thanks for watching!"  Or in this case... reading.

So…WHAT exactly do I have to be thankful for~huh????

I decided that I needed to write this LONG before Thanksgiving and have this particular blog posted by 11/11 (November 11^th), which marks the 11^th month to the day that Zach departed this earthly life.

I know…you just might be thinking, “with that title…she has finally CRACKED!”  Just so that you know, that could not be farther from the truth concerning my life.  But “for reals”…what do I have to be thankful for?  The reality is that I have everything to be grateful for!

This time of year, each of us usually sums up what we are grateful for with a “gratitude list.”  In the past, my gratitude list has consisted of the same things…year in and year out.  The list usually has included gratitude for my family, a roof over my head, food on the table, my husband being employed, and so on.  Please do not get me wrong, I am still ever grateful for all those blessings.

But, this year in particular, I am grateful for my family and friends.  As for you my friends~your friendship has buoyed me up, inspired me, and has even carried me through stormy days.  Many of you have been prompted to call, text, email, FB message, and have even persuaded me to go to lunch or dinner with you.  Each of your friendships are treasured and I have deep gratitude for each one of you ~ you KNOW who you are!

From and through Zach’s passing, our family has united.  Many people told us over and over again how something as devastating as losing a child usually destroys marriages and tears the family apart.   Mark and I decided at the beginning of this journey that we would do everything we can “together” to be with our son again~to be with our family again one day.  We are very much like a teeter-totter~when he is up…I am down and when he is down…I am up.  Each of us helps one another to find the balance ~ the peace ~ the strength to endure.  Our children are our pride and joy.  We speak with them often and love and appreciate our relationships with each one of them.  We feel of their love and concern for us and in turn we have that same love and concern for them.  I am blessed with an incredible family and have deep gratitude for them.

I have to admit, there are times I think that my heart just may not be able to endure this journey.  This is NOT the road I wanted to travel.  And, at vulnerable and weak moments, I have asked myself, “Do I have it in me to press on?”  In Ether 12:27 it states:

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their ^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them.”

Faith.  My faith coupled with family and good friends is the source that gives me the will and the power to move forward.  This Thanksgiving, I have much to be grateful for.  I am grateful for my beautiful family and incredible friends.  I am grateful for my faith~for all that I have learned and continue to learn.  I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who suffered all~even my pain~so that each of us may have the opportunity to live with our family, Him, and God once more.

From me…to you…Happy Thanksgiving!

I am attaching a video that explains a few things about my faith that we call “The Great Plan of Happiness.”  Also, I am attaching a couple of songs that bring my heart comfort and peace.  Enjoy!

The Great Plan of Happiness

This song is Every Breath by Jenny Phillips--beautiful

Because I Believe by Jenny Phillips

Adorable--aren't they??!!!

Getting ready for Christmas...

No...Rachel is NOT making ANY announcements...but she will go through the Temple this month so that she can be with us when we do the work for Zach in December :)

Brooklynn wanted to join in on the fun for trying on dresses for baptism :)

Seasons Do Bring “Change”

Last week was the 10 month marker for Zach ~ it happened to fall on October 11, 2012 OR 10/11/12.  I decided to take a trip North to Provo for a few days as Mark was going to be “on-call” and I simply craved seeing my Mom, my kids and my granddaughters.

Since Zach’s passing, I have experienced many changes in my life.  The most obvious, of course, is Zach’s death.  Through his death, I have been able to examine my faith, my priorities, and my goals in life.

As far as my faith goes, I am hopeful that you who read this understand that my faith is my rock.  My faith is the one sure thing that brings me hope, comfort, and peace.  I have never questioned “why” Zach’s time on earth was short and as hard as it was to lose him—I have accepted what I cannot change.  Upon Zach’s death, I told Mark, “we have to do everything we can here in this life in order to see our son again.”  For, it is up to us to prove ourselves worthy to return to God and be with our family once more.  With this goal in mind, I have been working to change how I live my life—quite honestly, change can be VERY challenging.  A quote I found recently, states, “your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.”  My father always told me, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Thus, I take one day at a time and work on pruning (changing) out the old to allow for the new blossoms.  With that picture in mind, change can be beautiful—if we work for it.

Priorities…my priorities have definitely changed.  Maybe even more so, my focal points have been adjusted.  While my family has always been and will always be my priority, they have become the focal point of my life.  I have begun a journey into my genealogy and working on locating ancestors.  I have found one line clear back to 300 A.D. along with fascinating stories of some of their lives.  I devote “X” amount of time everyday in either searching or indexing.  I am trying to “use everyday as an opportunity to make tomorrow even better” ~author unknown.  It has been fun to go up to the Salt Lake Family History Center and work on my genealogy along side of my mother (who just happens to be pretty pro at this!).  Changing my priorities has helped me to actually see that there is so much to look forward to and to better appreciate the here and now.

As for the goals in my life…they are too numerous to mention and really irrelevant to anyone else.  Suffice it to say, goals are a necessity in life in order to progress to the desired end result.  Some have goals to purchase that new car, new home, or new big screen TV.  Some have goals of simply getting out of debt—to own rather than to be owned.  And for most of us, we have the goal to marry and have children and live happily forever after…this is one goal that will never change.  While all the material goals will change as with the ebbs and flows of life, the family never will.  Personally, my family is the source of ALL that brings joy and happiness into my life.  Yes, Zach’s death caused many of the leaves on my tree to fall…and fall with many tears.  This was an unexpected change in my life, my husband’s life, and our family’s lives.  This was a change that was to test the very roots of my faith.  As new leaves blossom, I understand and know that the roots of my faith have depth.

I will end this post with a quote by William “Harvey” Jett:

“Doubt sees the obstacles. Faith sees the way. Doubt sees the darkest night. Faith sees the day. Doubt dreads to take a step. Faith soars high. Doubt questions "Who believes?" Faith answers "I"”

Also, here is a link to a song that I love

Live Like You Believe

Natalie, Rachel, & Alyssa after church

Sisterly love--adorable

They just make me smile

The girls

Now...if this doesn't make you smile, I don't know what will!

My little leopard girl

For an ounce of kindness…

Well, September has come and is just about gone!  September 11^th not only marked the 11^th year since 9-1-1, but also was a 9-month marker for Zach being gone.  When I think about 9-1-1, I think about how much hate that was built up inside of those who attacked America that day.  A hate so strong, it destroyed lives and in turn devastated the families of those who lost their loved ones that grave day.  9-1-1 is a moment in history America will never forget. 

It seems the media had story after story of the heroic efforts of those who died in attempts to try and save others.  Ground Zero is an incredible memorial to all those who lost their lives that day.  If you have not had the opportunity to visit Ground Zero—YOU NEED TO GO!!!

From 9-1-1, I have pondered those who did not think twice about helping and rescuing someone else—even if it put their own lives in jeopardy.  From an incredibly hateful and destructive act, Americans rallied together from search and rescue to cleaning up the seemingly endless devastation.  In witnessing those charitable acts, I believe each of us possesses that Christ-like attribute—charity.

I have been the recipient of many charitable acts after Zach’s passing.  From phone calls, emails, cinnamon rolls, hugs, visits, to simply listening—my family and I benefited and were uplifted from these charitable acts.  My heart seems to overflow with gratitude when I contemplate these blessings.

I was in the grocery store a couple of days ago and I was standing in the “check-out” line.  There was a woman waiting her turn standing in front of me.  All of a sudden, I heard a big crash only to turn around and find that an elderly woman in her rider/wheelchair had crashed into a display—knocking many things over.  I witnessed her embarrassment.  After finishing looking at her, I painfully confess that I turned back around—facing the checkout stand.  As I did so, I noticed the woman in front of me.  She was glaring and muttering an almost loathing for what had happened to the woman in the wheelchair.  I do not share this next part to pat myself on the back, but I share this with you as a “call to action.” 

Upon witnessing an almost hatred from the woman in front of me, I felt as if I was being called to action—to diffuse a situation and lift someone who was struggling.  I turned back around, left my cart in line, and went over to help this woman in the wheelchair.  I started picking up the items that fell from the display and putting them back on the rack.  This poor woman was so embarrassed and apologized over and over.  I told her that it was all right, “accidents happen.”  After I finished helping her, she thanked me and I went back to my place in line. 

The entire time I was helping this wheelchair bound woman, the woman in front of me in line was watching me—I only know this as I looked up a few times to check on my cart and observed her staring at me.  When I went back to the line, the woman’s (in the check-out line) countenance had changed and softened.  The situation had been diffused and I personally was grateful that I listened to a prompting to help someone in need.

Have you ever turned into a monster when you get in your car and begin driving?  Have you ever tried to hurry and beat someone to a checkout line and cut him or her off?  Have you ever said, “that’s my husband’s job and I am not going to do that?”  Have you ever said, “I am just too busy to help?”  Have you ever had a prompting to help someone only to ignore it and later find that you could have helped that person? 

Because we are human, we are not perfect!  My motto used to be “I am a work in progress.”  I have since changed my motto to, “I must work to progress!”  I have been busily engaged in many wonderful things—serving is healing and helps to bring peace in my life.  This past Wednesday, I was working at the temple and was asked to help a wheelchair bound woman who was exceptionally debilitated.  Upon finishing my work in helping her, she leaned toward me and said, “thank you for helping me today.”  To which I replied, “thank you for letting me help you—it was a treat for me.”  And at that point, she touched her head to mine.  This woman brought me more joy, sweetness, and peace to my soul than she will ever know. 

Most certainly, by our offering an ounce of kindness through helping, serving, and being patient with others will transform our very souls.

  

Ground Zero

Ground Zero and you can see the engraved names of those who died.

Zach's drumsticks in a shadow box.  The sticks on the left are engraved from Metcalf Mortuary.  The sticks in the middle are his beat up and wonderful sticks he used all the time.  The sticks on the right are the sticks ALL his friends signed and gave to us.  And, of course, that beautiful quote to help us recall EVERY sweet memory of him.

Being a Nana is the one of the BEST gigs...ever :)