It is when you think you “can’t,” you find you can

Three and a half weeks ago, Mark underwent surgery for his esophageal perforation.  Three and a half weeks!!!  After his surgery, I well remember his surgeon tell me that day three through day eight were going to be “critical” days.  

Day three came in with a vengeance!  When Dr. Manwaring came in to round on Mark, Mark asked him, “Am I going to make it?”  I think this question stunned Dr. Manwaring and he told Mark with great assurances, he would.  One thing you have to know about Mark is that he is not the dramatic type.  He is a no nonsense, let’s get to the point kind of person, and most always has a level head in any given situation.  And yet, he married his polar opposite, me!

Not more than an hour later after Dr. Manwaring’s visit,  Mark looked at me and told me, “I don’t know if I am going to make it.”  He also told a friend of ours, Kelly Taysom, “I know something is wrong, and I am not sure I’m going to make it.”  I went out of the room and tearfully told Kelly, “I can’t do this again!  I can’t bury another member of my family.”  After receiving a priesthood blessing, I remember the impression I received.  “I can do this.  I can do hard things.  No matter what, I have the faith to march through the toughest situations.  Have faith in the plan.”  I felt a calm reassurance that “whatever happens,” everything will be alright.  “I can” do all things through my faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.

Obviously, Mark made it through those days.  We have also come to learn that what Mark was feeling that day was most likely a post-surgical leak from his repair.  Dr. Gardner explained that one of the post-surgery complications would be a leak and that he may have to go back in one to two more times to adjust the drain.  However, Mark’s symptoms began to subside, and slowly he began to improve each day.  Then, he was finally released from the hospital with his feed tube, his PICC line, and his Penrose drain to allow residual infection to drain from his neck.  ALL of his medical needs were now going to fall on me!  He does have “Home Health.”  But, guess what?  They only come twice a week!!  How dare them!!!!!  I looked at him and said, “I can’t do all that!!!”  I am not a fan of needles, blood, or guts.  As a matter of fact, I get quite woozy when I have to even have a shot.  Placing the care of someone’s life, my husband, in my hands, is daunting to say the least.

For you medical people reading this, I am sorry!  Just remember, I did not get a degree in medicine!  

Now, let me explain some of Mark’s medical needs with my minuscule medical knowledge.  Mark has to have his feed bag and flush bag changed once a day, aka his “Joey pack.”  He has to have his delicious liquid food replenished twice a day.  He has to have his medications crushed, liquified, and then flushed down his feed tube.  We can’t forget the pump that has to have the tubes installed just so, flushed, run, and repeat.  Then, there is his Penrose drain.  The dressing has to be changed, and the wound cared for.  Did you know underneath his dressing is a hole in his neck with a drain coming out?  Wound care is also part of Mark’s medical necessities.  I put gloves on, remove the dressing with alcohol wipes, irrigate the wound site with hydrogen peroxide, change gloves, rub barrier film on his skin before I apply new gauze with tape.  Let’s move on to the PICC line.  Taking care of the PICC line causes me serious anxiety.  He has three lumens for his particular PICC line.  He has a white, gray, and a red one.  For each lumen, I must remove the light blue cap, clean with an alcohol wipe, flush the line, heparin lock the line, and then put a new light blue cap on.  He also requires having antibiotics infused once every day through the gray line.  For this, I need to remove the antibiotics from the fridge to warm it up just a bit.  When it is ready, I must remove the light blue cap, clean with an alcohol wipe, flush the line,  then attach the antibiotics.  Before flushing ANY of the lines I must always remember to unclamp the clamp, and clamp when done.  The good news is that I have not caused any harm to Mark.  I am the best he has, poor man!

HOW did I learn this stuff??  Our angel daughter, Rachel, came down to care for her Dad.  Rachel has a degree in nursing and her specialty is “critical care.”  She literally did everything to care for her Dad and more. I must say she is light years better than I ever could dream(but, I really do not dream of being a nurse-remember that I dislike needles…), but she does have a degree in nursing after all!  She got up in the middle of the night to administer meds when he needed them.  When he needed anything, she knew exactly what to do.  Me, I was on the sidelines taking care of the grandkids.  I am a professional Nana and know how to take care of the babies~easy peasy!

However, it became apparent that Mark was not going to lose his feed tube any time soon, nor his PICC line, nor his Penrose drain.  We could not expect Rach to stay down here for the duration of Mark’s medical care.  So, Rachel patiently taught me how to care for Mark, my husband, her father.  I probably was not her best trainee, but I tried my best to learn what I need to do.  I still get freaked out when there is a baby bubble in the syringe, or “thinking” that I accidentally touched the hub to one of his port lines (there goes another alcohol wipe), or looking at the drain and having to clean it (my stomach is a little off even thinking about it).  Rachel was the angel we needed to get us through Mark’s first week and a half home.

While I wished Rachel was still here to take care of Mark, I have faced my “I can’t” and have found “I can.”  I did tell Mark, “I hope I never have to do this again!”  Perspective… he said, “I hope I never have to do this again.”  When you love someone, it is remarkable to see what you “can” do during those crisis moments in time.  In finding my “I can,” I have found how my faith has grown and has been refined.  

Mark’s update:

He still has his tube feed.  I call his IV poll with his Joey bags and pump his girlfriend.  Mark has told me that he is NOT fond of her.

He still has his PICC line.  He will have this for probably three to four more weeks as he has to have his antibiotics infused through the line once a day to treat any residual infection, and blood drawn from it twice a week.  I will be glad to see that thing GONE!!!  

He still has the Penrose drain in his neck.  He goes tomorrow to have the drain advanced.  We are hoping that when Dr. Gardner advances the drain that it actually comes the rest of the way out.  If it does, Mark will then have another esophagram.  If the esophagram shows no leak (and we are praying vigilantly for that), they will do a swallow study.  And from there, the sky is the limit, right?!!

Mark’s Penrose drain (he would kill me, but thought you all need to see what this is)

My handy dandy ultimate  pill crusher

When all you can do is to: “Have Faith in the Plan”

I have actually started and restarted this post countless times, and finally decided to get this posted today, Sunday.  Since this post has a lot to do with Mark, he wanted to read it and approve it.  But, he does not have the energy nor focus to do so.

So today...  I am writing from the hospital room of my best friend, sweetheart, husband, Mark.  I find writing and sharing my feelings therapeutic.  The message that has come to me nearly everyday through the past few weeks is: Have Faith in the Plan.  I hope I am able to convey this message well, and that maybe just maybe, this message will help at least one of you to find your faith and “Have Faith in the Plan.”

Without going into ALL the details that have lead to this point, I will just give a summary of what is going on.  In 2008, Mark had a four level C-spine fusion of C3-C7.  In 2010, the titanium plate fractured.  At that point, we traveled to Duke University for more surgery.  Where the plate had fractured, the broken screws acted like windshield wipers and eroded away the vertebral body at C5-C6.  The surgeon removed the lower portion of the fractured plate, inserted a bone plug, and put a plate on to overlap where the plate had broken, then fusing him from C3-T1.  He then rolled him over and placed two rods in his neck from C5-T1.  That was an extremely difficult surgery for Mark to recover from.  But remember… he is a marathon runner.

In 2011, Zach passed away.  I have written many blog posts about my feelings of loss.  But most of all, I feel I have written much about “hope.”  I hope those of you who read this will feel of my deep sense of hope and “faith in the plan.”

Several months ago, Mark began to have some serious symptoms.  This led to having an esophogram, which revealed a few concerning things.  We found this out a few days prior to a speaking engagement I had at a Women’s Conference for the Pineview Stake.  My topic… “Women are that they might have joy.”  With all my given stress, I prayed vigilantly for the spirit take over and for me to deliver the message I was directed to give.  The Lord did not fail me, He never does.  I found so much joy in sharing.  I found so much joy in feeling the spirit from these incredible women, and from feeling a part of their great sisterhood.  I felt lifted.  I felt hope.  I felt of their love.  Thank you Pineview Stake for that sweet invitation as you truly blessed my life that day.

The next week while walking my puppy Gus one day, I was pondering the seriousness of Mark’s situation while having a tearful conversation with our Heavenly Father.  I just wanted the heavens to open and for Heavenly Father to tell me “everything is going to be just fine my child.”  Instead, I received this inspiration:

a)     Continue being a true disciple of Jesus Christ, a stalwart follower

b)     Always stand for truth and righteousness

c)     And, be a witness and testify of our Savior, Jesus Christ

I admit I was puzzled by this particular revelation.  WHY would I receive “this” particular inspiration.  I suppose the answer is in my title: Have Faith in the Plan.  As I relayed my particular inspiration to Mark, he reminded me that we need to keep the eternal perspective.  “Whatever happens,” we need to have faith in the plan, faith in our Father in Heaven, and faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.  From everything we have been taught to everything we believe and hold near and dear in our hearts, it truly is those humbling, life altering, drop you to your knees kind of trials when our faith is tested.  The only way to pass through the portals of trials is to make sure our testimonies are fueled with the necessary oils that can sustain us, carry us, and bring us that sweet calm assurance of peace.  We need to have faith in the plan, in God’s plan.

Saturday, the 22^nd of February, we found ourselves in the ER.  Mark was showing some symptoms that were concerning and was admitted to the hospital.  Sunday afternoon, he was taken to the OR around 4.  We had the cutest young lady who transported Mark to the OR, her name is Pam.  As Pam was wheeling us to the OR, she began to ask us about us.  I then began to ask her some questions.  How long have you been in St. George?  About 10 years.  Where did you go to high school?  Desert Hills.  What year did you graduate?  201x.  I then asked her, do you remember a student named Zachary Pulsipher.  She paused and said yes!  She began to talk about Zach as she had a class with him.  She spoke about when he died and how the school brought in extra counselors for those students who were struggling.  She continued to share many sweet things with us.  She was one of the many angels who blessed us that day.  I do not believe it was any coincidence that we met Pam.  From meeting Pam, and the fact that Pam knew Zach, we knew our angel Zach would be around during the course of this trial.  She gave us a gift, the very real sense that Zach was there with us.  Mark and I both felt as if we received a heavenly message from Zach, delivered by an earthly angel, Pam.

Surgery began around 5:30pm and finished around 11:30.   I have to say Mark has been under the care of incredibly skilled surgeons.  From the Neurosurgeon, Dr. Manwaring who carefully removed the plates, to the ENT surgeon, Dr. Gardner who carefully and most skillfully repaired a hole in Mark’s esophagus – 3cm hole to be exact.   And, I can’t forget forget to mention all the other key personnel from the anesthesiologist, to the nurses, to the techs, and for anyone else I may have forgotten to mention.  I have eternal gratitude for the team that was put together to help Mark.  I also need to thank these caregiver’s families who sacrificed their time with their loved ones to help my dear husband.  I well understand what those sacrifices are and have been in their shoes countless times as Mark has run to the hospital to care for someone in need.  

Tomorrow is D-day.  Mark will have a swallowing study done to assess a couple of things.  First and foremost, we need to be sure his esophagus is not leaking.  Next, we will be assessing his swallowing capabilities.  These are two major hurdles, and our hope and prayers are to see some miracles with both assessments.

Mark and I have been surrounded by your prayers, our family, dear friends who are our earthly angels (you know who your are), our wonderful Ward family, priesthood blessings, Mark’s colleagues, texts, calls, and the list goes on.  How blessed we are for those friendships, how blessed we are from your prayers (please keep them coming), and how blessed we feel to be lifted and loved by each of you. 

Life has been… a rollercoaster.  While the past few days have been full of ups and full of downs, we are now into day 7 post-op and today is a good day.  Mark is stable at the present time and slowly improving each day, he still has a few milestones to reach.  This is a very different type of marathon for Mark.  Dr. Gardner is pleased with Mark’s progress.  There is still the possibility of some bumps or hurdles.  However, we are cautiously optimistic.  Have faith in the plan.

PS… I have taken some pictures of Mark.  But if I post them, it may cause some marital strife.  For now, they are safely filed away in the “cloud.”

PPSS... We also have a new grandson amidst all this turmoil.  He is just darling and a beautiful reminder of “the plan.”  Each of our grandchildren fills Mark’s heart and mine.  

Ruby getting up close and personal with “Little Dude”

Daddy & Little Dude

He Knows by Shawna Edwards

Certain Women by Shawna Edwards