It is when you think you “can’t,” you find you can

Three and a half weeks ago, Mark underwent surgery for his esophageal perforation.  Three and a half weeks!!!  After his surgery, I well remember his surgeon tell me that day three through day eight were going to be “critical” days.  

Day three came in with a vengeance!  When Dr. Manwaring came in to round on Mark, Mark asked him, “Am I going to make it?”  I think this question stunned Dr. Manwaring and he told Mark with great assurances, he would.  One thing you have to know about Mark is that he is not the dramatic type.  He is a no nonsense, let’s get to the point kind of person, and most always has a level head in any given situation.  And yet, he married his polar opposite, me!

Not more than an hour later after Dr. Manwaring’s visit,  Mark looked at me and told me, “I don’t know if I am going to make it.”  He also told a friend of ours, Kelly Taysom, “I know something is wrong, and I am not sure I’m going to make it.”  I went out of the room and tearfully told Kelly, “I can’t do this again!  I can’t bury another member of my family.”  After receiving a priesthood blessing, I remember the impression I received.  “I can do this.  I can do hard things.  No matter what, I have the faith to march through the toughest situations.  Have faith in the plan.”  I felt a calm reassurance that “whatever happens,” everything will be alright.  “I can” do all things through my faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.

Obviously, Mark made it through those days.  We have also come to learn that what Mark was feeling that day was most likely a post-surgical leak from his repair.  Dr. Gardner explained that one of the post-surgery complications would be a leak and that he may have to go back in one to two more times to adjust the drain.  However, Mark’s symptoms began to subside, and slowly he began to improve each day.  Then, he was finally released from the hospital with his feed tube, his PICC line, and his Penrose drain to allow residual infection to drain from his neck.  ALL of his medical needs were now going to fall on me!  He does have “Home Health.”  But, guess what?  They only come twice a week!!  How dare them!!!!!  I looked at him and said, “I can’t do all that!!!”  I am not a fan of needles, blood, or guts.  As a matter of fact, I get quite woozy when I have to even have a shot.  Placing the care of someone’s life, my husband, in my hands, is daunting to say the least.

For you medical people reading this, I am sorry!  Just remember, I did not get a degree in medicine!  

Now, let me explain some of Mark’s medical needs with my minuscule medical knowledge.  Mark has to have his feed bag and flush bag changed once a day, aka his “Joey pack.”  He has to have his delicious liquid food replenished twice a day.  He has to have his medications crushed, liquified, and then flushed down his feed tube.  We can’t forget the pump that has to have the tubes installed just so, flushed, run, and repeat.  Then, there is his Penrose drain.  The dressing has to be changed, and the wound cared for.  Did you know underneath his dressing is a hole in his neck with a drain coming out?  Wound care is also part of Mark’s medical necessities.  I put gloves on, remove the dressing with alcohol wipes, irrigate the wound site with hydrogen peroxide, change gloves, rub barrier film on his skin before I apply new gauze with tape.  Let’s move on to the PICC line.  Taking care of the PICC line causes me serious anxiety.  He has three lumens for his particular PICC line.  He has a white, gray, and a red one.  For each lumen, I must remove the light blue cap, clean with an alcohol wipe, flush the line, heparin lock the line, and then put a new light blue cap on.  He also requires having antibiotics infused once every day through the gray line.  For this, I need to remove the antibiotics from the fridge to warm it up just a bit.  When it is ready, I must remove the light blue cap, clean with an alcohol wipe, flush the line,  then attach the antibiotics.  Before flushing ANY of the lines I must always remember to unclamp the clamp, and clamp when done.  The good news is that I have not caused any harm to Mark.  I am the best he has, poor man!

HOW did I learn this stuff??  Our angel daughter, Rachel, came down to care for her Dad.  Rachel has a degree in nursing and her specialty is “critical care.”  She literally did everything to care for her Dad and more. I must say she is light years better than I ever could dream(but, I really do not dream of being a nurse-remember that I dislike needles…), but she does have a degree in nursing after all!  She got up in the middle of the night to administer meds when he needed them.  When he needed anything, she knew exactly what to do.  Me, I was on the sidelines taking care of the grandkids.  I am a professional Nana and know how to take care of the babies~easy peasy!

However, it became apparent that Mark was not going to lose his feed tube any time soon, nor his PICC line, nor his Penrose drain.  We could not expect Rach to stay down here for the duration of Mark’s medical care.  So, Rachel patiently taught me how to care for Mark, my husband, her father.  I probably was not her best trainee, but I tried my best to learn what I need to do.  I still get freaked out when there is a baby bubble in the syringe, or “thinking” that I accidentally touched the hub to one of his port lines (there goes another alcohol wipe), or looking at the drain and having to clean it (my stomach is a little off even thinking about it).  Rachel was the angel we needed to get us through Mark’s first week and a half home.

While I wished Rachel was still here to take care of Mark, I have faced my “I can’t” and have found “I can.”  I did tell Mark, “I hope I never have to do this again!”  Perspective… he said, “I hope I never have to do this again.”  When you love someone, it is remarkable to see what you “can” do during those crisis moments in time.  In finding my “I can,” I have found how my faith has grown and has been refined.  

Mark’s update:

He still has his tube feed.  I call his IV poll with his Joey bags and pump his girlfriend.  Mark has told me that he is NOT fond of her.

He still has his PICC line.  He will have this for probably three to four more weeks as he has to have his antibiotics infused through the line once a day to treat any residual infection, and blood drawn from it twice a week.  I will be glad to see that thing GONE!!!  

He still has the Penrose drain in his neck.  He goes tomorrow to have the drain advanced.  We are hoping that when Dr. Gardner advances the drain that it actually comes the rest of the way out.  If it does, Mark will then have another esophagram.  If the esophagram shows no leak (and we are praying vigilantly for that), they will do a swallow study.  And from there, the sky is the limit, right?!!

Mark’s Penrose drain (he would kill me, but thought you all need to see what this is)

My handy dandy ultimate  pill crusher