Ten - dash - dash - dash

Minutes turn to hours to days, and then to years.  Ten, to be exact.  While time seems to be fleeting, it feels like only yesterday when our Zachy boy left this earth and earned his angel wings.  

 

How does a parent survive the pain of losing a child?  How does a parent find their way through that pain?  How does a parent process the grief?  Or, wade through the guilt of not being able to save their child?  How can a parent escape the grasp of despair and find their way on the path of life and actually live again?

 

For me, the path to finding the joy in life again has been a unique journey.  Has it been an easy ten years?  Hmmm… easy?  Progression through grief and pain is never an easy road to travel.  I found I had one of two choices to make.  One-I can stay “stuck” and wallow in a timeless grief.  Two-I can press forward with faith, serving, doing, being active, simply living.  When reviewing the two choices, choice number two spoke to my heart, much more than number one.  In my deepest of sorrows two days after Zach’s passing, I made a conscious choice to follow the path that would stretch me and mold me.  I continue to be stretched and molded, even today.

 

I spoke of my faith and how that has been integral in progressing along my path.  I have come to know and understand what it means to “look to God and live.”  I have also come to understand and believe that those “mists of darkness” are my trials.  And it is through those trials I have come to understand what it means to “hold to the iron rod.”  “Line upon line, precept upon precept.”  I found the breadcrumbs left on my path, and I followed them.  Those breadcrumbs are what have nourished my soul.  From scriptures, to hymns, to inspirational music, to temple worship, to attending church, and of course praying, these are all the glorious things that have nourished my soul.  They have led me to a peaceful existence full of faith, serving, and yes, even joyful living.

 

Zach’s short life was from 1998 “-“ 2011.  The dash represents his life.  He truly was the cutest baby, investigative little boy, busy, innocent, full of love, and left his mark not only here on earth, but an indelible impression in the depths of my mother heart.  I have the fondest memories of him, of his life, and what his “-,” dash, meant to me and those he met.

 

I heard a poem today that I want to share:

 

The Dash Poem by Linda Ellis

 

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on his tombstone

From the beginning to the end.

 

He noted that first came the date of his birth

And spoke of the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years.

 

For that dash represents all the time

That he spent alive on earth

And now only those who love him

Know what that little line is worth.

 

For it matters not, how much we own,

The cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

 

So think about this long and hard;

Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

That can still be rearranged.

 

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what’s true and real

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

 

And be less quick to anger

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we’ve never loved before.

 

If we treat each other with respect

And more often wear a smile,

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

 

So when your eulogy is being read

With your life’s actions to rehash

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

 

After hearing this poem, I realize I have so many things I have yet to accomplish.  I have to do better when it comes to serving.  I need to better show and express my gratitude.  I want to be able to better express love for the people in my life.  I want to be a better human in that everyone knows they are respected and feels safe in my company, in my home.  I need my smile.  A smile is a window into your soul.  A smile can change not only how you feel, but also can brighten someone else’s day.  I want to be that person.  I need to be more intentional in “doing” those things to be that human.  I feel these Christ-like attributes are key ingredients in the recipe for a beautiful, peaceful, and fruitful life.

 

At the end of my life, I hope and pray that those I love can say that I lived my “dash” well.  When I see Zach again, I hope he says “Mom, I know that what you faced was hard, but I am so proud of you and how you lived your life.”  I hope that each of my children and grandchildren can say the same.

Enjoy this song

A Bike, A Burial, and A Birthday

Two months before Christmas, Zach managed to talk Mark into giving him his Christmas present early, a bike.  Zach’s bike became a memorial of sorts after he passed.  Although it hung on it’s bike rack in the garage, there was just something so “happy” about that bike.  Maybe because it represented something Zach really wanted.  Maybe because I could watch him from the back patio as he would ride around empty lots and do jumps off little cliffs making my heart skip beats on occasion.  And maybe just maybe because that bike brought Zach “joy.”  How could I not look at that bike without smiling and feeling a morsel of joy myself?  And then, there was this one time when I was out of town and Mark had a flat tire.  Mark was on call at the hospital and needed a ride.  He pumped up those tires on that bike and rode Zach’s bike to work.  I imagine that Zach got quite a kick out of watching his Dad ride his bike to work… a bike that was much too short for Mark.

 

When we moved to our new home two years ago, I asked Mark what he wanted to do with Zach’s bike.  He said “Let’s bring it.”  And so, we did.  We stored it in our new roomy storage room in the garage.  After our daughter and her family (who lived with us for a little over 6 months) left, I went to clean up and clean out our storage room.  I again asked Mark, “what should we do with Zach’s bike?”  He said, “it’s time to give it to DI.”  I packed up his bike and headed to DI.  That was somewhat difficult.  But with that “hard,” I knew I was now giving Zach’s bike to another young boy who needed to find jumps and find “joy.”  I knew Zach’s bike would bring a smile and adventure to some young man.  As fate or luck would have it, I happened to get behind a car that had a bike on a rack on the rear of their car as I was headed to DI.  It actually made me smile.

 

Some may say I buried a memory by giving the bike away.  That is not the case at all.  Timing is everything when you bury someone you love, especially a child.  

 

You need time to process.

You need time to grieve.

You need time to smile.

You need time to cry.

You need time to remember every beautiful and wonderful thing about their life.

You need time to be grateful.

You need time to be sad.

You need time to laugh.

You need time to find your “joy” again.

You need time to find healing.

You need time to serve.

You need time to celebrate.

You just need time.

 

It has been said “time heals all wounds.”  I disagree.  It takes time for a wound to heal.  Some wounds heal quickly, while others take time.  And after the healing, you are left with a scar.  Some scars heal over nicely while others are sensitive and can be painful.  My belief is that it is what we learned through the course of our healing.  Did we take care of our wound?  Did we put the necessary medicines on it?  Did we change our dressing daily?  

 

What did I learn from dressing my wounds?

I learned and came to understand that I have a Father in Heaven who hears my prayers.

I learned and came to understand that my Savior can succor my wounds.

I learned that prayer, serving, and going to the temple were the necessary salve for my wounds.

I learned that healing takes time.

I learned to never take time for granted.

 

Don’t go through life feeling you need to bury the past.  Remember how you passed through the storms of life.  Remember how strong you really are.  Remember you can do all things with the help of our Savior and our Father in Heaven.  Remember, time is on your side.  

 

Happy Birthday Zach!!  I miss you each and every day!!  In time, I will see you again.

Here’s a little video to bring you some “joy”

When you think you have failed at being a mother, Mother’s Day comes

The greatest blessing afforded to me in this life has been four amazing humans who call me “Mother.”  

I have some random thoughts about Mothers and Motherhood I feel like sharing.

 

Many mothers would rather not celebrate this day.  Many mothers feel they have failed in their mothering.  Many mothers may feel they have been forgotten.  Many mothers are parenting alone.  Many mothers have children suffering from physical illness, mental illness, drug addiction, or children in trouble with the law.  Many mothers work to help make ends meet, and some even work two to three jobs on top of being a mother.  The list of trials mothers may have and may be trying to endure is endless and not one of us endures any of them exactly the same.

 

WARNING:  Do NOT fall into the pit of feeling like a failure.

 

REMEMBER:

1)     Remember your “why” you wanted to be a mother.  Most women have a sincere desire to become a mother.  They want the opportunity to birth, cradle, cuddle, and love their precious little human.

2)     Remember the little hands on your face, the sweet little kisses, the little hand sliding into to your hand, little feet, and the love swelling in your heart with these beautiful moments.

3)     Remember when they needed stitches, when they scraped their knees, or when they bruised a body part.  And remember, the ONLY person they wanted was “Mommy.”  Mommy knows how to make everything better because she has a “Mother’s love.”

4)     Remember teaching them to cook or to bake a cake.  Their creation may not have tasted very good or turned out, BUT you were there cheering them on.  WHY?  Because.  Because, you have a caring nature that has a desire to teach and nurture.  Because, you possess the Mother’s love.

5)     Remember watching them grow into adulthood and begin to make decisions of their own.  Remember when they left home for college, then married themselves, and began to have a family of their own.  Whilst letting go was difficult to do, you could let go and watch their wings spread and take flight.  WHY?  Because, you love them with every part of your being.

 

The key ingredient each mother has is “love.”  We love unconditionally.  We love through the hard times.  We love through the good.  We love through their successes and even when they may fail.  That is just what we do.  And for those of us mothers who have had children pass on early in life, we love those special angels with all our heart.  We oft times feel that hole in our heart aching, and I believe it is because they took that piece of our heart/love with them.  When we feel that piece of our heart missing, I think our angels hold that special piece of our love right next to their angel hearts and give it an angelic hug.  

 

What a blessing it is to be a mother and a Nana!  I have incredible children who are doing their best to make the world a better place.  I have seven grandchildren and one on the way.  Grandchildren make my heart swell.  If you have grandchildren, I am sure they make your heart swell too!

 

When you think you have failed at being a mother, Mother’s Day comes and is a beautiful reminder of “WHY” we do what we do… LOVE.

 

Happy Mother’s Day

                                                  More Than Enough by Shawna Edwards