Holding On Through the Mists of Grief and Pain

 It truly is hard to imagine that Zach has been gone as many years as he lived, 13.  Each year at this time, I have written things my heart desires to share with each of you… each of you, that is, who know me and read the writings from my heart. I suppose I share 1) to remember and 2) to lift and offer hope…. Quite possibly, to someone out in the universe who may need to read the thoughts of an old lady’s heart.

Quite honestly, “remembering” Zach’s death anniversary usually carries a “mix” of emotions. I have a routine I typically carry out this time of year. I buy floral from Michaels. Every time I do, my eyes begin to water as I carefully choose those precious pieces to form the bouquets to place at his headstone. The floral arrangements are nothing spectacular but made with “all my love.”  Mark & I head to the Cemetary at Thanksgiving and lovingly place the flowers in the urns. There are friends who remember him, visit him, and send me their pictures standing by his headstone. An angel always leaves drumsticks for him, signed with love.

In our religion, we have been taught how to hang on when traversing through the mists of grief and pain-aka “mists of darkness.”  The iron rod. We consider “the iron rod,” to be the “word of God.”  “How” exactly does this help, you may wonder. This takes effort.

My “iron rod” has become very personal. I begin each day working out, walking my sweet dog Gus while listening to General Conference talks. I read and study the scriptures, attend the Temple, and of course pray. I know my Savior is reaching for me, and through doing those very things, I am reaching back for him. He is the One who has carried me and steadied me as I traversed through those mists of grief and pain. I believe, the one requirement is for me to simply hold on to that precious iron rod. Faith. Hope. We can do everything, even the most difficult of things, in and through Him, our Savior.

As I have come through those particularly challenging times, I am always in awe of the peace and comfort I personally feel. I understand how “His yoke is easy, and He has made my burdens light.”  Though Zach left this world by taking his life, Zach has been embraced by our Savior. He is whole. He is happy. He is busy. Zach is loved and missed every day, but I know he is more than okay. Zach is our angel; he is my angel and is watching over me and his family. “A Savior born, that we might live, He is The Gift.” He IS the Gift. I believe.

All My Love by Coldplay

I love this with Dick Van Dyke

It’s about family and friends, those we have come to love so much

He Is the Gift

Gone, But Not Forgotten

The one thing that is a constant for both Mark and I is that Zach may be gone from this life, but he is never far from our everyday thoughts of him, thus he will never be forgotten.  Never.

Today would be Zach’s 26th birthday.  26. 

Today he has been gone from this earthly existence nearly thirteen years.  He died when he was thirteen.

 

The day Zach was born was one of joy, as it was when each of my children were born.  His cute little cherub face, the baby hands, the baby snuggles, the dark hair, the blue blue eyes, the baby giggles, the baby smiles are all and more that make my Momma heart happy.  Memories.

When I was a “Diet Cokeaholic,” I poured myself a glass each and every morning.  Right after, I would take a big sip.  One morning when Zach was in his high chair, probably 18 months old, he was grinning the biggest smile while I did my morning routine while getting his breakfast ready.  Right after I took a big sip of that delicious Diet Coke, I hear the biggest “Ahhhhh” of a sigh.  I looked over at him, only to see the biggest smile as he was “ahhhh sighing” with me to help me enjoy that first morning sip.  Memories.  Beautiful memories.

 

Zach was busy.  He loved fishing.  He loved riding his bike.  He loved to play basketball.  He loved having friends.  He loved Karate and always made Coach Reis laugh with his LOUD Karate screams.  He loved golf and having lessons with Coach Averitt.  He loved playing golf with his brother, brother in law, and Dad.  He loved Go-Cart racing, especially at the Golphin’ Dolphin in Emerald Isle.  He loved boogie boarding and skim boarding.  He was pretty impressive on a skim board.  Zach embraced life and loved it.  Memories.

 

Pictures.  Videos.  Videos with your voice and laugh. Trophies.  Scout paraphernalia.  Your scriptures.  A book you wrote in elementary school.  More pictures.  The love you gave, and we embraced.  Memories.

Zach lived.  Zach loved.  Zach was a gift from our Father in Heaven.  A beautiful wonderful precious gift. 

 

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." -Richard Puz

 

You may be gone here, but you will never be forgotten.  For, my memories of you and your short life are embedded and written in the depths of my soul.  They are mine.  My memories of you.

 

Happy Birthday Zach!  I love you with all my heart.

To whomever brought these beautiful drumsticks, THANK YOU!!  Thank you for remembering our Zach!

Who You’d Be Today

When you are 65, you have wisdom of the ages… or do you really??

 First and foremost, thank you for ALL the birthday wishes via cards, text, emails, phone calls, and of course FB.  When you are in your twenties, you never think it could ever happen to you… you become a “Senior Citizen.”  Well, I am officially a 65yo Senior Citizen.  So… show some respect for the age!!!!  

                                          Morning bed head. 

The good news is that I have been waking up this side of dirt!  

   I walk Gus, my adorable fur baby.  

 

                                      I workout.

 

I take my prescription drugs, day and night.  It seems like every time I go to a doctor they want to add something new to my regimen. 😂. 

I have cataract surgery coming up in a few weeks.  The good news is that I will not have to wear glasses with the exception of at night for driving only.

 

 I had my eyebrows micro bladed as they no longer are showing up on my face.

 I have lots of wrinkles.  Those are my “life well lived” lines.  I am keeping them, FOREVER!

I love sitting in my mushroom chair to play on my iPad, or read, or face time with my kids and grandkids.

I still have my eternal companion, Mark.  I love taking vacations with him.  I love making him laugh, a LOT.  I love finding new series to watch with him and finish it out as soon as possible.  I can’t handle all the cliff hangers.  I even sometimes go to the “spoilers” to know what is going to happen!  I love our time together, it is always a fun place to be.

I am going to start serving at the Red Cliffs Temple for one shift a week.  I look forward to serving there.

My life, thus far, has been filled with incredible joy as well as heartbreak.  I have learned to enjoy the fresh air and the beautiful moments that lie within the mountain tops of life, my children, my grandchildren, my family.  And yet, I have learned to cope with the disappointments in life and the tragic loss of loved ones as I have journeyed through the valleys of death.  I have mourned those who have departed this life, those whom I dearly love.  And, I have especially mourned the loss of my Zach.

 

When we reach this “Senior Citizen” age, we simply do not know how much time we have left on this Earth.  I will try my best to be kind, gracious, loving, and continue to enjoy this life.  Goals.  I always need to have goals and work on them.  After all, I am a “work in progress,” even at 65.

This is 65