Do You Believe?

As I was walking this morning and pondering a talk I just listened to, the question that came to my mind was “Do you believe?”  I began to think about Santa and how wholeheartedly I believed in him as a child. I then recalled teaching my children “if you always believe in Santa, you will always get the best Christmas gifts.”  Of course, now, there is the “Elf on the Shelf” who helps Santa every year in bringing joy by doing all the outrageous things to make all the children, who believe, smile. Christmas truly is one of the most magical times of year.  

Fifty years ago on Christmas Day in 1975, I was baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  This was a magical day for me and my family as we each entered the waters of baptism.  The entire Korea Seoul Mission was there to witness our family being baptized.  This was the day that began my journey as a member of Jesus Christ’s church. 

Little did I know, back then, that I would need the gospel in my life to endure the many trials that would line my life’s road.  Of course, the most difficult of trials was exactly two weeks before Christmas when our beautiful boy Zach ended his life. Is there life after death?  Will I see my loved ones again? Zach? Can families really be together forever?  Is Zach our angel now?  Can the Savior truly heal my wounds and carry me through the storms of life?  Is the temple a place where we can find peace, solace, healing, and even joy?

If you know me at all, you will know how I would answer these questions.  In the twinkling of an eye, Zach was gone.  The loss and pain that fractured my soul, in that moment, cannot be adequately described.  But, here is my “how” and “why” I can press on.  There IS life after death.  I believe that with the entirety of my soul.  This offers “hope.”  I know with my most motherly heart of hearts that I WILL see Zach again.  This brings “peace.”  Families CAN be together forever.  This is “the plan.”  I have felt the Savior’s love and comfort as I traversed this particularly challenging time in my life.  For truly, I understand how “His yoke is easy” to lighten my burdens.  When I am in the temple, I feel like I have come “home.”  The temple helps me understand “the plan,” to find “peace,” and to make my “hope” burn brighter than the noonday sun.

Who knew, back on December 25, 1975, that a young, immature, and inexperienced young girl would “need” to know, understand, and believe what those missionaries valiantly taught?  This girl, now “older woman,” that’s who.  For, I do believe. 

The magic of Christmas is not just in believing in Santa, the gifts, or that Elf of the Shelf.  The magic of Christmas lies within each of our hearts, the light of Christ.  May your light burn bright for the world to see with the “Light of Christ” this Christmas season.  May you find your comfort and peace through following Him, each and everyday.

**We miss you Zach and think of you every day.**  Zach is our angel.  Of course, I believe he is!

An “Angelversary” message 💙

Where there’s life, there’s death, where there’s sorrow, there’s grief, and where there’s love, there’s gratitude

 Obviously if I am writing a little blog piece, it must either be Zach’s birthday or his angelversary.  It is Zach’s birthday. He would be 27. We live in a time stamped world while Zach’s existence is neither marked by time nor naps nor bruises nor hurt nor pain.  I believe the world Zach exists in now is filled with joy, with love, with peace. I believe Zach is with our Savior and that is certainly the best place, the safest place he can exist.

When Zach came into this world, he became part of our world, as each of our children and grandchildren are a part of our world. The joy that comes from bringing these beautiful souls into this world cannot be adequately described. But suffice it to say, “there was joy in all the land!”  We had hopes and we had dreams for Zach. Hopes and dreams that are never to be realized, in this life anyway.

Zach’s short life brought us joy. His smile. His laugh. His hugs. His zest for life. His desire for friends. His desire to do well in school. His desire to share the gospel, especially when he collected fast offerings. His heart was pure. His soul, beautiful. All these memories, these moments, these incredible treasures of his life, I hold near and dear to my heart. They bless me. They carry me. And they teach me. What have I learned?

Where there is life, there is also death. The death of a child is oh so crushing and is intensely painful. And yet, somehow, we can surface from those crushing waves of sorrow and grief. While we begin to take those deep calming breaths, we realize, “we are going to survive this tragedy.” Like any wound, time has a way of mending our hearts while leaving scars that offer perspective, offer vision, and give us a brighter outlook for tomorrow.

Love. Oh how grateful I am to know love. To know it has no boundaries. To know the depths of love. To understand that love is a big part, perhaps the biggest part, of each of our souls. Love enables us to feel and embrace an infinite number of emotions. Compassion, concern, empathy, sympathy, joy, happiness, sorrow, grief, to name a few.

How grateful I am for all of it! I recently watched an excerpt from a podcast with Anderson Cooper and Steven Colbert on “Loss.”  Steven Colbert said this: “With existence comes suffering. There’s no escaping that. If you are grateful for your life, then you have to be grateful for all of it. You can’t pick and choose what you are grateful for.”  He went on to say, “what do you get from loss? You get awareness of other people’s loss-which allows you to connect with that other person-which allows you to love more deeply. And, to understand what it is like to be a human being.”

Is it possible to be grateful for “all of it?”  I believe so. I believe so because I am grateful for Zach. I am grateful for his short life. I am grateful to love that young man with all my heart. And while I wished he was still here, I am grateful for the many things I have been blessed with and the many lessons I have learned from his passing. I am, indeed, grateful for all of it.

Happy Birthday Zach! You are missed each and everyday. But today, we celebrate the day you came into this world and forever stole our hearts.

Love you forever,

Mom 

https://www.threads.com/@andersoncooper360/post/DMO5wztPki4?xmt=AQF07daVyeRkoYz9IAMdI-RvxISL9fjXxzzr4Aqbf5XTIw

“You’ve got all my love!”