The StRaW That Broke The Camels BaCk and then some….

 Hello from Sunny St. George!  I have not written in a while, as… well… there has not been much to write about.  That really is not entirely true, but I have needed to have time to gather my thoughts in order to put my heart out there in words.

 

The world seems to be spinning out of control with plagues, pestilence, and violence.  We watch the news and are shown many instances of how people are negative, angry, and even depressed.  We go to the grocery store where many of the shelves are emptied of the essential needed items.  I see many of my friends on social media who are struggling with life threatening illnesses.  These are hard and heart heavy times both in our world and for many of us in our personal lives.  The likes which I have never before seen in my lifetime.

 

H.O.P.E!!

Here are some awesome acronyms for HOPE:

Helping Other People Everyday

Hold On, Peace Exists

Helping Other People Enthusiastically 

Have Only Positive Expectations

Hold Onto Prayer Everyday

He Offers Peace Eternally

 

I believe you know where I am headed.  Each and everyday each of us is faced with some sort of trial.  The trial can be from some one simply cutting you off while driving, to losing a job, to having familial difficulties, or to having health trials.  Whatever our trials, we must not lose our “HOPE!”  I believe “hope” is a very real part of our soul’s make up.  Hope is the very reason we can press on.  Hope is knowing that life will be better tomorrow.  Hope is the very essence of my faith. 

 

Life has thrown Mark and me many trials the past few months.  It has been both stressful and depressing, and yet we seem to see many blessings that have offered us the “hope” we have needed to cling to.  Back in May, Mark had an esophagram to see if his esophagus still had a leak.  And yes, it did.  The physician decided to put a G-tube into his stomach where he would feed himself for the next two months.  He was to be “strict NPO,” meaning no food or fluids via his mouth.  This makes me think of a Monty Python line with the Black Night when he said, “None shall pass!”  In two months, the physician would order another esophagram to see if the leak had gotten smaller or had closed off.

 

Two months later, the leak had decreased significantly.  Significantly enough, Mark has been able to begin eating again.  He is on trial for a few weeks with food to make sure 1) he can tolerate eating and 2) his blood work stays stable.  During the past two months because of Mark’s nutrition, he has had a couple of physical trials.  The first trial is the tendon in Mark’s shoulder has completely detached.  This is the same shoulder that had a FULL replacement back in November. UGH!  The second physical trial happened a few weeks ago when Mark felt something crack in his back-this would be the STRAW that broke the camel’s back!  UGH!  After an MRI it was found that he had not ONE, but had TWO compression fractures at T8 and T9.  He was in a lot of pain and yet he still pressed on and went to work.  Mark really gives meaning to “he takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”

 

Mark had a really tough 5-6 hour case this past week.  After he finished, he realized he needed to get his back fixed asap.  On Thursday, he had a procedure called Kyphoplasty (Google it or YouTube it) done.  Basically, they inject cement into those spaces offering him much relief.  He still has some pain, but it is post-procedural pain.  HOPEfully, he will be feeling much better by Monday.  I am so grateful for modern day medicine and the things that can be done to improve our everyday quality of life.  We continue to see the light at the end of the tunnel-HOPE.  That is the latest update on Mark.

 

Monday, July 27^th, would be Zach’s 22^nd birthday.  As I was walking out of the hospital on Thursday after Mark’s procedure, I walked past the Narrows Conference Room where a plaque says “In celebration of Zachary Thomas Pulsipher” hangs.  As I stared at that for a moment, I got choked up.   It truly brings both Mark and I so much joy to see that sign hanging there.  We not only remember Zach on his birthday or other holidays, but we remember him, think about him, and deeply miss him each and every day.  However, we focus on the joy he brought us while he was here.  We remember his laugh, his hugs, and his love.  Our biggest hopes and dreams are to see him and be with him again in the eternities.  It is up to Mark and I to try and earn that privilege and blessing.  Happy Birthday big boy!!!  Our Zachy boy.

 

Zach’s famous banana chair video

Zach videoing Andy after putting a teaspoonful of Wasabi in his mouth

I LOVE hearing Zach’s laugh... even still

I want to close with these two acronyms for H.O.P.E:

Hold Onto Prayer Everyday

            Just pray!  Everyday pray!  Not only pray for the things you are in need of, but pray for those who need your prayers as well.  I feel I have been deeply blessed and given many calm reassurances (hope) that “things will be alright.”  Heavenly Father wants to hear from you.  Prayer is your way to call home and communicate your heart.

 

He Offers Peace Eternally

            When I see this particular acronym, I think of this scripture:

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:26–27).

 

Be kind.  Be caring.  Be loving.  Be prayerful.  Be Christlike.

And, keep the light of H.O.P.E shining bright in your heart. 

It is when you think you “can’t,” you find you can

Three and a half weeks ago, Mark underwent surgery for his esophageal perforation.  Three and a half weeks!!!  After his surgery, I well remember his surgeon tell me that day three through day eight were going to be “critical” days.  

Day three came in with a vengeance!  When Dr. Manwaring came in to round on Mark, Mark asked him, “Am I going to make it?”  I think this question stunned Dr. Manwaring and he told Mark with great assurances, he would.  One thing you have to know about Mark is that he is not the dramatic type.  He is a no nonsense, let’s get to the point kind of person, and most always has a level head in any given situation.  And yet, he married his polar opposite, me!

Not more than an hour later after Dr. Manwaring’s visit,  Mark looked at me and told me, “I don’t know if I am going to make it.”  He also told a friend of ours, Kelly Taysom, “I know something is wrong, and I am not sure I’m going to make it.”  I went out of the room and tearfully told Kelly, “I can’t do this again!  I can’t bury another member of my family.”  After receiving a priesthood blessing, I remember the impression I received.  “I can do this.  I can do hard things.  No matter what, I have the faith to march through the toughest situations.  Have faith in the plan.”  I felt a calm reassurance that “whatever happens,” everything will be alright.  “I can” do all things through my faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.

Obviously, Mark made it through those days.  We have also come to learn that what Mark was feeling that day was most likely a post-surgical leak from his repair.  Dr. Gardner explained that one of the post-surgery complications would be a leak and that he may have to go back in one to two more times to adjust the drain.  However, Mark’s symptoms began to subside, and slowly he began to improve each day.  Then, he was finally released from the hospital with his feed tube, his PICC line, and his Penrose drain to allow residual infection to drain from his neck.  ALL of his medical needs were now going to fall on me!  He does have “Home Health.”  But, guess what?  They only come twice a week!!  How dare them!!!!!  I looked at him and said, “I can’t do all that!!!”  I am not a fan of needles, blood, or guts.  As a matter of fact, I get quite woozy when I have to even have a shot.  Placing the care of someone’s life, my husband, in my hands, is daunting to say the least.

For you medical people reading this, I am sorry!  Just remember, I did not get a degree in medicine!  

Now, let me explain some of Mark’s medical needs with my minuscule medical knowledge.  Mark has to have his feed bag and flush bag changed once a day, aka his “Joey pack.”  He has to have his delicious liquid food replenished twice a day.  He has to have his medications crushed, liquified, and then flushed down his feed tube.  We can’t forget the pump that has to have the tubes installed just so, flushed, run, and repeat.  Then, there is his Penrose drain.  The dressing has to be changed, and the wound cared for.  Did you know underneath his dressing is a hole in his neck with a drain coming out?  Wound care is also part of Mark’s medical necessities.  I put gloves on, remove the dressing with alcohol wipes, irrigate the wound site with hydrogen peroxide, change gloves, rub barrier film on his skin before I apply new gauze with tape.  Let’s move on to the PICC line.  Taking care of the PICC line causes me serious anxiety.  He has three lumens for his particular PICC line.  He has a white, gray, and a red one.  For each lumen, I must remove the light blue cap, clean with an alcohol wipe, flush the line, heparin lock the line, and then put a new light blue cap on.  He also requires having antibiotics infused once every day through the gray line.  For this, I need to remove the antibiotics from the fridge to warm it up just a bit.  When it is ready, I must remove the light blue cap, clean with an alcohol wipe, flush the line,  then attach the antibiotics.  Before flushing ANY of the lines I must always remember to unclamp the clamp, and clamp when done.  The good news is that I have not caused any harm to Mark.  I am the best he has, poor man!

HOW did I learn this stuff??  Our angel daughter, Rachel, came down to care for her Dad.  Rachel has a degree in nursing and her specialty is “critical care.”  She literally did everything to care for her Dad and more. I must say she is light years better than I ever could dream(but, I really do not dream of being a nurse-remember that I dislike needles…), but she does have a degree in nursing after all!  She got up in the middle of the night to administer meds when he needed them.  When he needed anything, she knew exactly what to do.  Me, I was on the sidelines taking care of the grandkids.  I am a professional Nana and know how to take care of the babies~easy peasy!

However, it became apparent that Mark was not going to lose his feed tube any time soon, nor his PICC line, nor his Penrose drain.  We could not expect Rach to stay down here for the duration of Mark’s medical care.  So, Rachel patiently taught me how to care for Mark, my husband, her father.  I probably was not her best trainee, but I tried my best to learn what I need to do.  I still get freaked out when there is a baby bubble in the syringe, or “thinking” that I accidentally touched the hub to one of his port lines (there goes another alcohol wipe), or looking at the drain and having to clean it (my stomach is a little off even thinking about it).  Rachel was the angel we needed to get us through Mark’s first week and a half home.

While I wished Rachel was still here to take care of Mark, I have faced my “I can’t” and have found “I can.”  I did tell Mark, “I hope I never have to do this again!”  Perspective… he said, “I hope I never have to do this again.”  When you love someone, it is remarkable to see what you “can” do during those crisis moments in time.  In finding my “I can,” I have found how my faith has grown and has been refined.  

Mark’s update:

He still has his tube feed.  I call his IV poll with his Joey bags and pump his girlfriend.  Mark has told me that he is NOT fond of her.

He still has his PICC line.  He will have this for probably three to four more weeks as he has to have his antibiotics infused through the line once a day to treat any residual infection, and blood drawn from it twice a week.  I will be glad to see that thing GONE!!!  

He still has the Penrose drain in his neck.  He goes tomorrow to have the drain advanced.  We are hoping that when Dr. Gardner advances the drain that it actually comes the rest of the way out.  If it does, Mark will then have another esophagram.  If the esophagram shows no leak (and we are praying vigilantly for that), they will do a swallow study.  And from there, the sky is the limit, right?!!

Mark’s Penrose drain (he would kill me, but thought you all need to see what this is)

My handy dandy ultimate  pill crusher

When all you can do is to: “Have Faith in the Plan”

I have actually started and restarted this post countless times, and finally decided to get this posted today, Sunday.  Since this post has a lot to do with Mark, he wanted to read it and approve it.  But, he does not have the energy nor focus to do so.

So today...  I am writing from the hospital room of my best friend, sweetheart, husband, Mark.  I find writing and sharing my feelings therapeutic.  The message that has come to me nearly everyday through the past few weeks is: Have Faith in the Plan.  I hope I am able to convey this message well, and that maybe just maybe, this message will help at least one of you to find your faith and “Have Faith in the Plan.”

Without going into ALL the details that have lead to this point, I will just give a summary of what is going on.  In 2008, Mark had a four level C-spine fusion of C3-C7.  In 2010, the titanium plate fractured.  At that point, we traveled to Duke University for more surgery.  Where the plate had fractured, the broken screws acted like windshield wipers and eroded away the vertebral body at C5-C6.  The surgeon removed the lower portion of the fractured plate, inserted a bone plug, and put a plate on to overlap where the plate had broken, then fusing him from C3-T1.  He then rolled him over and placed two rods in his neck from C5-T1.  That was an extremely difficult surgery for Mark to recover from.  But remember… he is a marathon runner.

In 2011, Zach passed away.  I have written many blog posts about my feelings of loss.  But most of all, I feel I have written much about “hope.”  I hope those of you who read this will feel of my deep sense of hope and “faith in the plan.”

Several months ago, Mark began to have some serious symptoms.  This led to having an esophogram, which revealed a few concerning things.  We found this out a few days prior to a speaking engagement I had at a Women’s Conference for the Pineview Stake.  My topic… “Women are that they might have joy.”  With all my given stress, I prayed vigilantly for the spirit take over and for me to deliver the message I was directed to give.  The Lord did not fail me, He never does.  I found so much joy in sharing.  I found so much joy in feeling the spirit from these incredible women, and from feeling a part of their great sisterhood.  I felt lifted.  I felt hope.  I felt of their love.  Thank you Pineview Stake for that sweet invitation as you truly blessed my life that day.

The next week while walking my puppy Gus one day, I was pondering the seriousness of Mark’s situation while having a tearful conversation with our Heavenly Father.  I just wanted the heavens to open and for Heavenly Father to tell me “everything is going to be just fine my child.”  Instead, I received this inspiration:

a)     Continue being a true disciple of Jesus Christ, a stalwart follower

b)     Always stand for truth and righteousness

c)     And, be a witness and testify of our Savior, Jesus Christ

I admit I was puzzled by this particular revelation.  WHY would I receive “this” particular inspiration.  I suppose the answer is in my title: Have Faith in the Plan.  As I relayed my particular inspiration to Mark, he reminded me that we need to keep the eternal perspective.  “Whatever happens,” we need to have faith in the plan, faith in our Father in Heaven, and faith in our Savior Jesus Christ.  From everything we have been taught to everything we believe and hold near and dear in our hearts, it truly is those humbling, life altering, drop you to your knees kind of trials when our faith is tested.  The only way to pass through the portals of trials is to make sure our testimonies are fueled with the necessary oils that can sustain us, carry us, and bring us that sweet calm assurance of peace.  We need to have faith in the plan, in God’s plan.

Saturday, the 22^nd of February, we found ourselves in the ER.  Mark was showing some symptoms that were concerning and was admitted to the hospital.  Sunday afternoon, he was taken to the OR around 4.  We had the cutest young lady who transported Mark to the OR, her name is Pam.  As Pam was wheeling us to the OR, she began to ask us about us.  I then began to ask her some questions.  How long have you been in St. George?  About 10 years.  Where did you go to high school?  Desert Hills.  What year did you graduate?  201x.  I then asked her, do you remember a student named Zachary Pulsipher.  She paused and said yes!  She began to talk about Zach as she had a class with him.  She spoke about when he died and how the school brought in extra counselors for those students who were struggling.  She continued to share many sweet things with us.  She was one of the many angels who blessed us that day.  I do not believe it was any coincidence that we met Pam.  From meeting Pam, and the fact that Pam knew Zach, we knew our angel Zach would be around during the course of this trial.  She gave us a gift, the very real sense that Zach was there with us.  Mark and I both felt as if we received a heavenly message from Zach, delivered by an earthly angel, Pam.

Surgery began around 5:30pm and finished around 11:30.   I have to say Mark has been under the care of incredibly skilled surgeons.  From the Neurosurgeon, Dr. Manwaring who carefully removed the plates, to the ENT surgeon, Dr. Gardner who carefully and most skillfully repaired a hole in Mark’s esophagus – 3cm hole to be exact.   And, I can’t forget forget to mention all the other key personnel from the anesthesiologist, to the nurses, to the techs, and for anyone else I may have forgotten to mention.  I have eternal gratitude for the team that was put together to help Mark.  I also need to thank these caregiver’s families who sacrificed their time with their loved ones to help my dear husband.  I well understand what those sacrifices are and have been in their shoes countless times as Mark has run to the hospital to care for someone in need.  

Tomorrow is D-day.  Mark will have a swallowing study done to assess a couple of things.  First and foremost, we need to be sure his esophagus is not leaking.  Next, we will be assessing his swallowing capabilities.  These are two major hurdles, and our hope and prayers are to see some miracles with both assessments.

Mark and I have been surrounded by your prayers, our family, dear friends who are our earthly angels (you know who your are), our wonderful Ward family, priesthood blessings, Mark’s colleagues, texts, calls, and the list goes on.  How blessed we are for those friendships, how blessed we are from your prayers (please keep them coming), and how blessed we feel to be lifted and loved by each of you. 

Life has been… a rollercoaster.  While the past few days have been full of ups and full of downs, we are now into day 7 post-op and today is a good day.  Mark is stable at the present time and slowly improving each day, he still has a few milestones to reach.  This is a very different type of marathon for Mark.  Dr. Gardner is pleased with Mark’s progress.  There is still the possibility of some bumps or hurdles.  However, we are cautiously optimistic.  Have faith in the plan.

PS… I have taken some pictures of Mark.  But if I post them, it may cause some marital strife.  For now, they are safely filed away in the “cloud.”

PPSS... We also have a new grandson amidst all this turmoil.  He is just darling and a beautiful reminder of “the plan.”  Each of our grandchildren fills Mark’s heart and mine.  

Ruby getting up close and personal with “Little Dude”

Daddy & Little Dude

He Knows by Shawna Edwards

Certain Women by Shawna Edwards

Sometimes You Just Need Wonder Woman Bracelets

Everyone has insanely busy lives, me included.  Mine has become a little out of control.  Without boring you with details, it has begun to wear on me. And it has worn on me in such a way, that the rock had begun to crack.

Ever since Zach’s passing, I have felt the need to try and ensure that everyone has been lifted and happy.   While the loss of Zach certainly weighs heavily on everyone in our family, especially this time of year, I have always felt it essential to at least get Mark, my children, or Zach’s friends to smile.  I try to recall some memory of Zach that usually invokes smiles or laughter or “he was so cute!”

This year…this year was different for me.  I have been SO busy!  Yesterday, I baked ALL day for a youth activity, as I really wanted it to be memorable for the youth and time worthy.  I was so busy that I actually was not prepared for today, the day that Zach died.   I didn’t have his flowers made.  I didn’t go to the temple.  I missed a lunch date with a special friend.  You can play the world’s smallest violin now! 

I got so caught up in my own emotions, my own grief, even feeling sorry for myself!  WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY??  Why eight years?  Duh!  I know the answer to the “why.”  It is as simple as this…  I let myself get caught up in “me” instead of looking around me.  This is where I need those “Wonder Woman bracelets” to thwart off those bullets of self-pity, of blinding myself to others needs, of not finding time for the spiritual essentials, and the list of bullets I need to thwart goes on.  

I was in Costco today to get a few necessities.  I am a “people watcher.”  As I looked around, I saw an elderly woman out on a Costco excursion with her nurse and a family member.  She was severely stooped, pushing a cart, yet I do not think she could hold her head up to see where she was going.  My heart opened up for her as I watched her maneuver through the aisle past me. Then, I recalled being at the care center last night and seeing some of the elderly residents who just needed to hear some Christmas carols and have their doors decorated.  For some of these elderly residents, it is a very lonely time of year.  My heart opened up thinking about these youth singing to these sweet people and having a moment of joy brought into their lives.  One woman came up and asked if we could decorate her daughter’s door that is in the rehab section.  She shared the story about how her daughter had just graduated from high school this past summer with a full ride scholarship to a university.  Her daughter had the world in front of her.  And then, she was in an accident in the latter part of the summer that caused a traumatic brain injury.  My heart opened up quite a bit for this mother and daughter.   

Life is hard, and not just for me.  Everyone has trials, and everyone’s trials are different.  We need to cling to our faith.  We must nurture our souls.  We must find a love for our fellowman, and serve them.  Surely, each of us must follow our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He led the way, and he said, “Come Follow Me.”  It is through Him that we can find peace and joy again in this life.

As for me, I simply just need to be better.  I need to DO better.  I do not need to look too far to extend my helping hand.  And when those spray of bullets begin to thwart my vision, I need to remember I have powerful Wonder Woman bracelets made with faith and hope.

Zach…  another angelversary has come, eight to be exact. I think about you everyday. I think of your infectious smile and your laugh that was so contagious it would make me laugh.  I miss your hugs and chats in the car as I drove you to school or picked you up.  And, I really miss our Little Drummer Boy.  I picture you spreading all sorts of your goodness all over heaven with your bright and sparkling soul.  This is my beautiful and perfect impression of you now.  I send you special hugs and pray that I can feel an occasional hug from my angel.

Zach happy to hug his niece-Brookie

Thanks Heather for this song!!!  I love it too <3

When the heart needs a hug…

A sunset full of hugs

I was looking out at the sky the other night and saw the most beautiful sunset.  As I looked to that beautiful horizon, I felt as if the sky reached out and wrapped the distant land in a graceful warm beautiful hug.  I felt as if Zach was giving me an angelic hug through this picturesque scene.  This was an incredibly beautiful feeling.  I love those special moments that pierce my heart with love and gratitude.

Today is certainly a day to reflect on the sweet life of our son Zach.  Today, he would be 21.  Today, he would have already completed a mission for our church.  Today, he would probably be holding to his promise to his father and attending college at the University of Utah.   Today, he would be excited to celebrate another birthday.  Today, I would see a young man whose smile, personality, and incredible spirit bless all he knows and loves.

But Zach’s “today,” his birthday, will be celebrated differently than the rest of us here on earth. We do celebrate Zach’s life and the magic he brought into our family and the lives of those he knew in his short life. We celebrate by remembering the moments in time of the things he did that continue to bring us joy, even today. There is not a day that goes by that thoughts or memories of Zach surface and today those floodgates are open. 

While I miss Zach each and every day, I am eternally grateful for that “Great Plan,” the Plan of Salvation. This plan offers me comfort, peace, and an opportunity to work at being worthy of seeing our sweet Zach again. For I truly believe there is life after this life, eternal life.  I believe that a loving Savior lived, died and rose from the grave, breaking the bonds of death, to give us this incredible gift.  How grateful I am to Him for giving me this hope, for my greatest desire is to see Zach again.  Because of my faith, I can press forward with confidence being optimistic in my pursuit of eternal happiness.

So “today,” I say, “Happy Birthday Zach!”  While you are dearly missed, I love that you are my angel, our family’s angel.  Thank you for hugging me through those beautiful sunsets of life.

When One Door Closes, Another Always Opens

The newest member to join our family sooooooooon!

Mark and I have made many changes in our lives over the past few months.  The biggest change is that we moved.  We moved eight houses down from our old home.  We decided it was time to rid ourselves of the stairs/two-story home and build a one level home.  We started the process last June and we were able to finally move in on April 15^th-Tax Day!

As I did the final walk-through of our old home, I found myself downstairs where Zach passed away. With all the fun, beautiful, awesome memories of living in our old home, there is one memory that is still heartbreaking, Zach’s death.  I actually kissed my hand and touched all the places where his last moments were in that house.  I then looked around that mostly empty room and said my final good-bye.  That home served us well and another family will make their beautiful memories in it, and truly, that makes me smile.

I came home, opened the door, and thought, “I love our new home.”  We have beautiful views of Pine Valley Mountain and various vistas.  I love watching storms roll in.  I love planting my garden and my flowerpots, and even weeding.  I love to cook in my dream kitchen and to grill outside in 100+ degree weather.  I love doing the dishes and even laundry.  I love to sit outside by our water feature and meditate.  I often ponder as to how many dogs I can talk Mark into letting me have-hahaha!  I love that we were able to help create this house and now we can enjoy the fruits of those labors.

As the door of the old closes, we take with us many beautiful, sweet, and fun memories. Those memories will stay tucked warmly and safely in my heart, never to forget.  “We don’t remember days…we remember moments.” (Author Unknown) “Today’s little moments become tomorrow’s precious memories.” (Author Unknown)

Here are a few pictures of our new home where we hope to make many new memories, especially with our new addition to the family coming on July 8^th~Gus!

This is the old home

Kitchen which is part of the "Great Room"

Great Room

The Great Room's view... it really is a "great" room!

The view can be seen right through the front doors

Pano of the front

These doors!  I am obsessed!  Shout out to Urban Iron Doors for the design  :)

Mark's man cave-beautiful office

View from the Master Suite

A little video of the water feature our builder Dave created :)  Shout out to DAVE!!!!

Gorgeous fire pit that Dave also created :)  Another shout out to DAVE!!!!

Ahhhh... the pool!  When the beach is unavailable...

Another pool view - shout out to Oasis for creating this refreshing scene :)

Back patio pano

And then...  Gus!

He has even captured Dr. Mark's heart :)

Seven in Heaven

It has been a LONG while since I have written anything!  This time of year always brings Zach’s passing to the forefront of my thoughts and deepest feelings.  I had a sweet friend ask me recently if I relive those moments in time seven years ago. I replied, “every year!”

There is so much to try and comprehend, to try and overcome, all the while remembering to always look up and keep the faith.  Recalling Zach’s death is at times extremely difficult.  And yet, I feel I can see him filled with a joy I completely have no understanding of.

In reading the Book of Mormon, I have pondered Ammon’s “joy.”  What would that be like to have that kind of joy?  What would that be like to be filled with that kind of joy? To the point of laying prostrate on the ground?

When in my life have I been “filled” with joy?  

When I was baptized, I was filled with joy.  While it was a special day and moment, it cannot be compared to Ammon’s joy.

When my family was sealed in the temple, I was filled with joy.  That moment in time was sacred and beautiful, but still cannot be compared to Ammon’s joy.

When I was married in the temple, I was filled with immense joy.  That was an incredibly happy day.  I remember smiling so much that my face began to hurt.  Nevertheless, I feel it falls just short of that joy Ammon felt.

When I had each of my children, my joy thermometer was off the charts.  As I held each one of these precious little beings fresh from heaven, my feelings of joy were so intense, so pure, and really beyond description.  I think that those beautiful moments are probably the closest times in my life of feeling the joy Ammon must have felt.

Being an empty nester, with a child on the other side of the veil, and a Nana, how can I feel that joy I have tasted at various times in my life?  Each of us NEEDS to have some sort of joy in our lives.  Each of us should seek to find joy in our lives.  And most of the time, we do not have to look far to find and feel it.

I think the biggest secret to finding joy is simply serving someone in need.  Serving brings those desired droplets of joy to my soul.  They fuel me to want to do more and to have more of those particularly sweet moments.  Serving can be as simple as putting someone’s shopping cart away for them. Or, it can be purchasing someone’s groceries for them.  It can be calling your eighty-one year old mother.  It can be visiting family members.  Serving can be taking a treat to someone who may be shut in.  It can be showing up to clean someone’s home, and even making them dinner.

Where does the joy come from any of those suggestions?  It comes from the woman with five children who is so grateful you are putting her grocery cart away as she tries to multitask loading children and groceries into her car.  Joy comes from seeing a person’s face light up with immense gratitude as you help pay the difference she is short in the grocery check-out line.  Joy comes from calling my mother, asking about her day, and letting her know how much I love her.  And in turn, I feel my mother’s gratitude and love from making a simple phone call.  Joy comes from visiting my children and playing with my grandchildren.  I am always excited to see them, to feel of their love, and to spend time making special memories for all to remember.

As I have pondered Ammon’s joy lately, I have given deep thought as to how I will feel when I see Zach again.  Joy. And I actually believe, it will be the kind of joy that Ammon felt.  I do not think I will be laying prostrate on the ground, but I will be hugging him, kissing him, and crying big crocodile tears of joy when that blessed day comes.

Our angel Zach has had seven years in heaven.  Oh how we miss him.  I believe my job on earth is to serve and find ways to bring joy to others.  And in turn, this brings my soul joy.  I like to picture Zach smiling his big beautiful smile, full of joy, and busily serving.  As we continue our journey joyfully here on earth, may each of us share our “joy” and “Light the World” this Christmas season. 

Listen to this beautiful song "The Sweetest Gift"

This is a beautiful talk about service.  Click link below
The Joy of Unselfish Service

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